Confessions

Well I have to get this all out but I know what I am going to do. My son relapased about two weeks ago he called me last Monday said he was going to detox could I bring him I said fine. We have been talking but I have not asked what his palns are. It's up to him. During this time his old boss called wanting him to work. Of course! I told him he was in Florida for a week. I needed to buy some time. My thought was (even though it was lying have my son call him (block the #) and tell he has a landscaping job there for a while and was staying could he call him when he got back? I just don't want that door to shut on him.

I told my son and said think about what to do.Didn't tell him what to do. Well yestrday he moved from detox to an aftercare program. He will be there about 10 days. I asked to him last nite what did you decide to do about getting in touch with your old boss. Here it comes.....

He said well that will depend on you and Dad. I said how are we involved. He said well if you will let me come back and help me out. I said what about your recovery he said I have decided to go on suboxone. I said you have tried that before with no sucess you abuse it and you sell it. He said that is why you are going to be keeping them. I said what else are you going to do he said a couple of meetings a week I won't lie and say everyday becasue I know I won't.

So what do I say... I said well we have been that route it didn't work if you are doing any other treatment I would want it to be the Vivitrol shot with counseling (Don't shoot me people). He said I don't really like that idea. I ended the conversationq uickly.

So what am I going to do. I am going to tell him that in my head I wanted him to finish aftercare and appy to another program and live in a sober house. And take this time to work on him. Then I will say since that is far from what you are thniking then I would consider my other option of the shot if I brought you and you did counseling. As far as him being here the hard part is when he has been here he is helpful,polite etc. And as soon as we knew he was using he packed himself up without a word from us. He just knew he couldn't stay.

So I know I'm crazy, but at least if he chooses my option then it's my plan not his. There I got it all out as crazy as it sounds!

And I will end as I began...UGH!

Now that my 25 yr. old daughter is adjusting to life after 90 days in the county women's jail, I have to relay this: She's my daughter & I love her, but I don't trust her as fas as I can throw her. Today we went shopping for a few items like new underwear, hygiene products, etc. She of course thinks money grows on trees, smokes all my cigarettes, sheds clothes & leaves them on the floor, & uses Wads of toilet paper. (Try 8 rolls in 2 days!) It's just a nervous habit that she goes every few minutes. But you'd think she was gonna' tp a house with all she uses. I told her that county paid for the tp before, but I'm not gonna' go broke doing it. So we bought some things, including the aforementioned toilet paper. And of course, she left that @ the bus stop or in the store restroom, or wherever. So, when we got home there wasn't any tp. She took off her pajamas & went down to 7-11 for some. Before she left, I said "You know I don't trust you". She said "Don't say things like that".

 Now, the last time she went to 7-ll (5 doors down), she returned a day later! Oh, & did I mention she said she was "bored & wanted to go downtown"? Now, San Diego isn't NYC, but "owntown" only means one thing...seeking-procuring-using- drugs. I was ready to say "If you're determined to be a junkie jailbird all your life, there's nothing I can do about it" (Harsh, huh?). So, I stewed awhile & then thought I'd half *** look for her @ 7-11. I then went to the 24 hr. pharmacy to get my prescription.Waiting for the bus, I was trying to use my Recovery International slogans ("Peace, order, balance", "This is a triviality compared to my mental health", etc. I  also said some prayers, including asking God to "give me a sign". On my return to my block, a voice in the dark behind me said, "Mom, where are you coming from?". She wasn't high. She then put on her pj's & went to bed! Tomorrow I'm making an intake appt. with a pretty hardcore rehab. program. It's tough. So is she. But I bet since 1970, she's not the toughest they've seen. Thanks for letting me vent.

Friends, what is the best book you have ever read on addiction? On surviving life with a child with addiction?

I am not doing so well in totally detaching from my AD.  Somedays, especially weekends, the grief from so much loss ,lost hope, lost daughter, overwhelms me.

I dont even know what to pray for.  I have stopped praying for her, as asking for her to seek sobriety requires desire on her part, and I just dont think she desires to be sober. She has had so many chances, so many miracles, so many times she was given the opportunity to choose life. She didnt want it bad enough. I just ask for guidance for me and the rest of my family.

I am trying to learn how to live without her, and it is excruciatingly sad.

Thank you

My mom had been asking me to post and I really could not find the time. I do feel that it is very important that you here from a daughter and an addict the things that helped me. My mom saved my life. She was always trying to find a way to get me sober or help me until she realized that until she let go of me and stopped enabling me I was never going to hit my bottom. When it comes down to it no parent, no spouse, no boyfriend of mine could have ever got me sober. THE ONLY TIME I GOT SOBER IS WHEN I WANTED TO. I made that decision for myself 5 months ago. The willingness is the key to my 12 step program. Although my mom did help me hit my bottom alot faster. She stopped enabling me... giving me money... letting me live in her house. Although it hurt she realized that as an addict I WAS going to do whatever I WANTED to do. AaA IS AWESEOME but for all you normies who are dealing with addicts you need to help yourself before you try to SAVE your addict. Al Anon is the solution.... I feel like a lot of normies try to push there loved ones to get involved in AA but when it comes down to it  YOU NEED a 12 step program just as much as they do. Just like an addict you need a sponsor .. you need to go to meetings.. and you need living breathing experience strength and hope. STOP trying to control there addiction and help yourself first. Build a network and use the tools that your telling your addicts to.

So next time you asking your addict "Why dont you wanna be happy and live life without the drug?"

Just think to your self, why dont I DO THE SAME THING.

Because your addict is your drug.

I am really in need of a kick in the pants right now.

Another day off work, playing the GAME with the AS. Stomach in knots and hands shaking along with the shaking of my insides. Cant barely concentrate.

But hey this is my fault, I let this happen to me. Somebody please shake me!

Just earlier this week I was at a good place. If you can call numb good. But numb was better than feeling this way.

Let me get off this pity pot.

(((HUGS)))

My son lost his job last week because his uncles (family business) found out that he brought a joint to work and some of the guys would smoke in the park at lunch break... SOOOOO, now to add to the no car, no friends, no girlfriend, no hobbies, we have no job, no insurance, no money (dwindling on cigarettes and probably pot). This makes my life a living hell.. I am so angry with him and at the same time I feel totally sorry for him. But he is keeping his cool he says he is calling it like he "hit the pause button" and "he will make it and he will be fine". So far he has painted the garage for us and starting on the bathroom. ... I so desperately want him to get help or at least talk to me or my husband about it but he cant and wont, everytime I try to calmy speak he gets really upset and Im afraid he will start drinking again. He is alone at home every day I do go home for lunch and he has not touched any of the ready available alcohol at all. So I say to myself it could  be worse, but I worry and I am consumed by him.

OK, the pink cloud effect was short lived around here. My daughter went to 7-ll (five doors down) this morning & still isn't back. Oh well, she's an adult, with an adult sized addiction. If she is determined to be a junkie jailbird for the rest of her life, there's really nothing I can do about it. The books, photos, cards, emails that I sent in her 90 day jail visit are gone. And of course, I lugged a bunch of her clothes across town when I moved. Whatever. I'm gonna' cling to my Recovery International slogans like "We can't control the outer environment" and "People can be rude, crude & indifferent" (Even when they're your own flesh & blood!) I especially like "Peach order & balance".

 I have been prompted by Martys post to make one of my own.  Some of our newer members may not remember my previous posts, questions and confessions, as I have been around here a long time, with most of them being made while in the desperation of seeking answers to dealing with active addiction in my life almost 2 years ago.  I understand exactly where Marty is coming from....with our main (the one I have to deal with the most) addict being in recovery for 21 months the turmoil caused by him has subsided to a distant thought of the ever possible relapse.

 I was always preaching "never give up hope" and it makes me smile to now see Marty saying the same thing.  I am sure Matt and Olivia are doing the same.  It IS very hard to read of everyones pain while I am rejoicing in my son in laws successful recovery.  Those of us doing so ARE only a relapse away of "here we go again" and I remember that everyday and pray that all addicts in recovery are strong enough to make it  one more day.

 Sorry I have been so self absorbed and not very active here at AaA.  I guess that at this time I will give you guys an update on everything that is happening in my life as regards to the other addicts who hover at the edge, as it will do me good to talk about it and get it off my chest.

Some of you will remember my blind father in law whos credit cards ckecks were stolen by my meth addict brother in law.  He has sold his house and has moved closer to us about 13 miles away.  It was quite a chore to pack up the last 30 years of his life and move him 200 miles to be closer but he is all settled in and it is much nicer having him close and not having to worry.  The addict brother in law served a couple months in jail and is now out.  He is in shock that dad could actually up and leave, sell his house and move out of state while he was in jail.  At one point in time all of us had agreed that dads house was to be left to that son as the rest of us had our own and we thought that said son was taking care of dad.  HAH!  Brother in law says he has been to rehab and is clean....none of us has seen him and dad does not want him to know where he lives, so things are on the back burner as far as he goes.

My brothers family...whose house was forclosed on for whatever reason (addiction of some sort (?)...definately not lack of money if spent responsibly) is having to move again (3rd time in a year).  Their youngest daughter (alcoholic/addict) is in jail for 2nd offense DUI hit and run.  None of their cars have license plates or insurance.  I manage his inheritance so it is not wasted and he has a roof over his head. I have been throwing it away on rent.  He only has a few years left before it is gone.  I have offered to put up the down payment and use my credit (they have none) and the remaining inheritance to buy a forclosure so they can have a stable place to live as long as they need it (until they die)....GET THIS....every place I can afford is..too small (after all they have to support their 28 year old son who will not work (addict)...too far out of town....too...not good enough!!! WTF(whats the facts or NOT)  They threw away a 400K home and they think I can replace it for them!!!  Maybe they will come to their senses before they are homeless....I have left it up to them to find a place that is suitable...I am not the one who will be homeless so I am hoping that they will take some action to help themselves and not have to live with their eldest daughter (poor girl). Anyway...I guess things will work out for the best...they always do (for me at least, karma).

Thank you all for being here and listening to me vent as once again I am reminded of the merri-go-round of addiction from various corners of the family.  Thank you Matt, for providing me with my own counselor accessable from my own couch.  Once again THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING PART OF MY ASK AN ADDICT FAMILY....what would I do without you???

PS:  I miss Tangled  :(

Ok, so I sugar-coated it for you last time I was here.

Really having a hell of a time. I have been in the psych ward last week for about four days. I was thinking about blowing my brains out and even had thoughts of shooting my husband. I don't want to say "killing" my husband 'cause that sounds bad. Ha!

So the shrinks and counselor's have got me started on some meds for my depression and I am going to be going for therapy and get some community outreach programs in my life. This has to be better than just sitting at home alone and listening to my husband tell me that just because I am fifty my life is over.

So I am still clean at least but I have had a few setbacks in that I have been communicating with my drug addicted dealer friend. I just felt like I had to set some things straight with her and I am glad that I did. I also found out that she will not be selling me any drugs. I asked her to get me something and she said no way. It's just too bad that I am still having such trouble with it. I suppose it is to be expected after having used my entire life!

I want to tell you that it is no easy task to deal with feelings and thoughts after you quit using. What did I used to do when I had an uncomfortable thought or feeling? I used whatever I could to stuff it down as far away as possible. But I am no longer accepting that as a way of life. I mean there has to be more than this! So, at fifty years old I will try and accept help and get the most out of this life that I can because I believe there has to be something better out there for me than stumbling around in a stupor and hurting everyone around me.

Be strong enough to want more from yourself than what I have offered myself! I hope to here from those of you who are making it or faking it!! ")

Sincerely, searchin