Confessions

This is the place to get it all out! Tell us what's on your mind. What's the worst thing you've done for your addiction? What's the worst thing that's happened to you because of your addiction? How have you been affected because of someone else's addiction? How has your life as an addict affected the ones you love? Reading and writing these confessions help us realize the impact that the addictions have over all of us. When posting your confession, you can choose to remain anonymous or let others see your profile name as to bring about discussions.

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Hear me out

I am an addict looking for words of wisdom and courage to get clean. I need to get my head back in the game and quit relapsing. I don't feel great at all, the fact I haven't ate in about four days barely crosses my mind, the only thing that seems to cross my mind is my next hit. I've been managing life as what I call a stable addict, because I work and go to school. And we all know, well at least I know an addict can never be a stable addict for long. I'm still so young, I am 16 and I am just trying to reach out for support. What are some reasons or life changing events that have helped you stay clean? 

Posted: 06/05/2017 4:53 AM

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It is Christmas Eve

I remember vividly the Christmas season during my addiction. None of it seem to matter, but there were flashes of kindness and community.  We all heard about a Cdinner put on by some church especially for the homeless. Somebody took me along. We ate home cooked food, served to us by women from the church.  We received a gift bag with socks and ginger bread. We did not look up from our plates .   We held hands around the rtable during the prayer, but that was almost too much for me. Too much closeness;  too much kindness.  I had to leave.  So did most of the addicts.
I realize now what caused my illness:  feeling too much.  Too much shame, too much guilt, too much empathy for others.  I could never turn it off.  Morphine put a warm blanket over my pain.  It took me years to find the reason to shake off that blanket.  Like my father always said:  what does not kil you,makes you stronger.

Merry Christmas and peace on Earth!

Freyja

Posted: 12/24/2016 9:10 AM

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Heroin HELL

I read through all these posts and know there are so many suffering the same as I am as a Mother of an adult daughter that is an addict. My daughter a little over a year ago just decided to leave... to live on the street of all places. I had no clue what happened, where she went or why. For weeks I drove about looking for her, calling the police, hospitals, etc. Only to find out 2 weeks later drugs had won. She left her family, her beautiful daughter that she so loved and now she lives her days house to house. Trap houses is what she calls them... living in places I never thought she would live. Shooting up Heroin or anything else she can get her hands on. In and out of jail and the hospital on a regular basis. I live in constant fear of the dreaded "call". I wake up daily to a text from Jail letting me know the new inmates that were brought in the previous night in hopes shes in there for at least I know shes off the street and safe... ALIVE.

She has become someone I dont even know. Prior to all this my daughter and I were so very close. We spoke 3 to 4 times a day and did so many things together. She had a big loving family that did a lot of things as a family.  Now she calls me screaming and cursing and telling me I don't love her and that shes not good enough and shes never been good enough and says thats why she uses Heroin. Its ALL very hurtful to me as a Mother.

I do NOT know what to do... how to act. I have offered to pay for her to PLEASE go to rehab.. she said no for a year and recently she said yes to rehab... even took her to court to ask the Judge for mandatory rehab, Judge agreed but my daughter went right back to heroin. After that last episode of HUGE disappointment and getting my hopes up for having her back I decided I will no longer take her places like her parole officer that she now has to show up for weekly. I "think" thats the route to take but Im never sure of my actions as she calls and leaves messages of guilt that I  take on easily.  I have told her I love her so much and that I would gladly take her to rehab but until shes ready to help herself and accept rehab I cannot be on this roller coaster life.  I have to pick up the pieces of her 5 year old daughter that does NOT understand where her Mommy went... it ALL breaks my heart. And even why I try to stay away and not talk to her or take her places it eats me alive.

I too PRAY...and Pray HARD that addiciton does NOT win. This is a hell that she lives in as well as I and her whole family watching her take her own life down a path of evil and destruction.

I am a Mother full of grief and dispair. I can't save her and want to so badly. I have no answers... I am distraught, afraid, grieving. What do I do?  How do I not lose my own sanity and life over worry for her? 

 

Christina

Posted: 09/23/2016 1:05 PM

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Not The Rodeo I Signed Up For!

I have four adult sons, two of whom I no longer associate with due to meth use. Not just the fact that they use it, but the fact that meth comes before their children. It comes before everything. Meth is not the only drug being used and abused in my family. Another family member is destroying my inner peace, "what's left of it" with opiate addiction. I am surrounded by addicts, and they are making my life a living hell. My home has been burglarized. What few prescious possessions I have, I keep in a lockbox at the bank, in a shared box with a trusted friend. My pain meds, I keep in a safe, with the key in my bra at all times, because I have one addict son living at home. He is disabled, and prescribed pain pills, when his run out, mine have to be under lock and key. I am single again. Imagine that!! Who wound want into this rodeo?! My Mother passed in April, and everyone and everything has spirraled downhill since then. If I didn't believe suicide would be a ticket straight to hell, I would be dead already. I want to disappear.

Posted: 09/02/2016 3:05 AM

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Still

ny AD is continuing to use. She had seven months sobriety from rehab and a six month residential program. It was so lovely to have her back. No long after discharge, she returned to occasional use, which quickly spiraled. My husband and I face the unfortunate task of telling her to leave. She will be on the street again. Sigh

Posted: 06/26/2016 3:24 AM

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Not as strong as I thought, just wrong

Hey all, it is Jack from Canada clean from opiates for over 5 years until last Tuesday. Always swore I would never take a painkiller again, even if I broke my leg. Well I was wrong but a car ran me down and it took a broken hip socket along with the leg and internal injuries to relent to the morphine on offer. I did refuse for 2 hours explaining that I am a junkie but the pain was overwhealming. I got 2 injections in 12 hours but refused a script for more when leaving the hospital after 2 days Got high even through the pain and even felt the deep bone itch withdrawl after all these years. God, I am still an full blown addict but free from the daily grind. Keep well all, you know the ones I mean...Love to my addicts, and Love to the ones who love their addicts. Jack

Posted: 06/19/2016 10:22 PM

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Co-Dependency

Excellent article;

http://humanisticcenter.com/when-love-bites-the-awkward-dance-of-codependency/

 

 

Posted: 05/03/2016 8:08 PM

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And the Oscar goes to..

My son, now 29, went into an excellent program on October 8. He was there for 30 days and we saw great changes physically, and seemingly intellectually and spiritually as well. Justin was talking the talk and walking the walk. 

 
He was released to a sober house that for the first time he secured startup payment for. During this time, my mother died 6 weeks after my father. My daughter was married out of town 6 days after my mom died. It was a whirlwind of emotions and having Justin on this path felt like the greatest blessing. 
 
He found a job he seemed to like. He seemed happy, stable & at peace. We offered to pay co-pays for his psychiatrist and any depression meds. We spent Christmas together as a family the first time in 3 years, the first peaceful time in 8. He came with us to our nephew's wedding out of town..we stayed together in the hotel. We had many discussions of his recovery process and why this time was different. He seemed determined and healthy. 
 
I saw the first cracks in this at the wedding in early January. My other kids noticed his "squirrelly" behavior. He kept leaving the wedding to go back to the room. Upon our return he started to seem much more like his "old" self. He was sullen, impatient and full of complaints. His job wasn't working, his roommate was pressuring him about caring for things in the apartment(he was living in a shared apartment because the sober house was full of "criminals"). He couldn't attend certain meetings because he was being "badgered for money" by homeless people..and so on.
 
Soon, he started on us. Asking about my parent's estate..he took some coins that my dad was collecting that belonged to the estate. He demanded a "stipend" from the estate monies so he could relocate somewhere warm. It became painfully clear that the last 3 months had all been an act to get close to what he perceived was inheritance money (I am executor). 
 
The thing is, my parents did very well as working class people..but that is what they were. The estate is being split 3 ways and he is one of 7 grandchildren. I guess he thinks he's quite special, deserving of a stipend. 
 
To sum up, he lost his job. He lost his apartment. He has been badgering and threatening all of us again. I am now getting the phone calls again..the last one he said he was going to decapitate himself on the train tracks if we didn't run $300 to him immediately. We didn't. It is frightfully cold again and I told him to get to a shelter. He told me again they were "all filled up," which we know to be a lie. He said he has frostbite over 30% of his body. It's the same old, same old. His roommate wrote my daughter a note and said that he feels bad but that Justin had been drinking & using the whole time & it was escalating. 
 
All we can do is prepare now. Something has to give. He has been in active addiction for at least 8 years now. He lied about everything. He had not been seeing a psychiatrist, not been taking meds, not been doing the recovery activities he seemed so proud of the last few months.
 
I am devastated he fell back to the streets. I refuse to go back there with him. He has to figure this out now or not. No hotels, no quick cash, no rides, no whipping post. 

Posted: 02/13/2016 8:34 AM

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LIFECOACH
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2 Years, Still Painful

I haven't been here on the site in awhile. It is 2 years on 2/4 since my Daughter died just before her 27th birthday. There is no pain like it, even a parent's death. Her whole life was not Just addiction. Grief Recovery After Substance Passing (GRASP) is a site that hosts tributes to those who have passed away in this manner. www.grasphelp.org is the address: Look for Patrizia Monari (posted Sept./2014.) to see her story. It is tragic to see how many people have gone since I posted my Daughter's. To all the newcomers, this is a very welcoming group. And to the veterans, thank you for all your support.   Best, Kim

Posted: 02/03/2016 11:56 PM

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LIFECOACH
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Update
I am still here, just so busy! I am still working in an adolescent behavioral and addiction rehab. It's is challenging and very stressful. Working on my Addiction counseling certificate. My AD, Melissa is clean and sober since Aug 2011 and in her 2nd year of law school, internships and speaking engagements , giving back. Homeless heroin addict near death to lawyer, it's a great story that we both continue to tell. There is always hope.

Posted: 12/22/2015 5:54 PM

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