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AskanAddict.com is intended to provide addiction support and advice in a non-judgmental way so that the addict or anyone else that's been affected by an addict will know there are many who understand and eliminate the feeling of being alone. Ask an Addict knows it may be hard to talk with family and friends as many times they just don’t understand. Many have fractured those important relationships in life during active addiction. When it comes to seeking information, likeness, and establishing a strong recovery program who better to ask then someone who has been there! At Ask an Addict we listen and learn, together. Whether your an addict, a recovering addict or have been affected by an addict, we all have that common denominator of addiction.

If I had to use one word to describe our members, it would be the word compassion. (sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it)


 
 
 
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not as far as i thought....

 Well her we go,again. First of all I am seeing a counselor. I met with her the first time a few weeks ago. She has a strong background in addiction and this is why I chose her. She seemed shocked that I had been through so much in such a short period of time and even more so of the decisions I made in a pretty short period of time when finding out about my AD drug use. She was geniunly "impressed" if you will, that I as a mother would make such hard choices with not having any proior experience (not living or growing up around drug use or having this issue myself personally) with drug addiction. Sounds great and Iknow I have made alot of hard decisions. On June 21st my AD will be released from prison. Truthfully I am scared beyond words. I do not labor over it everyday, but I do think about it everyday as the time is getting so very close. Now I know I should not worry, as it accomplishes nothing. But the stats are grim when a prisoner leaves and returns to  mainstream society. She was kicked out of her first chance of court appointed rehab. She was sent to prison and had a chance of rehab. She went through most of it but was asked to leave that one as well as she was considered toxic to the other women. She is now facing segregation which is a nice way of saying "the hole." I was hopeful. I still cling onto maybe, maybe she will want it.But truthfully it is not looking very promising. I so miss her. Not the addict, but her. It is strange with her being gone. I was sleeping well but the nightmares have returned. I dreamt of her lawyer telling me, as he did the day she was sentenced, how she would kill me with no remorse to get to a bag of dope. She would kill a baby to get to the dope. That he only had one other client crazier than her. scary stuff. I  so long for our past relationship and grieve it. Funny thing is, I see I can never reclaim that, only hope to build a new one, someday. All I do is hope for someday and realized recently that it may never ever come. I found out last week she has kept most of her contacts, and even had a friend she made in prison that was just released post on my AD facebook page "60 days" hashtag "BOSS" I recently spoke to my friend that has a halfway house and a recovering addict, My AD wrote her to request staying there. I told my friend make the judgment call about her staying and do NOT feel bad if the decision was no. My friend recieved my AD letter and she made her decision, it was a "no." She said my AD had no regret and no remorse for anything she has done to herslef or family. I am not angry with my freind at all, it was just a conformation to me that my AD is not ready. My AD has not ever said she is an addict or wants or needs help. My mind is in the process of trying to accept that. Strange how a mothers mind and heart seem to be miles  apart when trying to accept sad news such as that. I will be discussing all of this with my counsellor of course. I know my AD had been actively using heroin for about three years prior t o her going to prison. I just found that out. She used an average of 200.00 to 300.00 a day and a bag is only 20.00 I am not well versed in amounts but it sure seems like alot to me. She likes speedballing which is even worse than just straight H.The heart and respitory system does not know what to do when shooting that concoction. I do not go digging for this info, please know that. I gave up on poking around and searching for logiacal reasoning about addiction awhile back. SOrry this is so long but I needed to share the fear, pain and torment I am going through. I have some more hard deciosions to make yet again.I want this crazy ride to stop. I wish I was never on it, as we ALL wish we never got on, addicts and loved ones alike. Nobody can know the hell we all go through unless they have been in our shoes. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am not sleeping well again, and I forgot how awful that was. I need wisdom and courage to do what I lnow needs to be done. i just can not believe that in over a year nothing has changed in my AD mindset. She still palying peope, including me. I know I have allowed it and that needs to change about ME. Thus the counselor. Sometimes I feel like I am watching her play on a highway blindfolded while I am tied to a tree. She is in harms way and I can not do a thing, nothing, but watch and wait and pray and hope that she will not get run over.  Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and again I am sorry it is so long. God Bless!!!

Posted: 05/01/2015 7:14 PM

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Latest Confession
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I am bitter and angry,just for today

 I am tired. Tired of worry, tired of not sleeping, tired of workin on ME, tired of cooking tired of cleaning, and tired of trying to change my thinking. Why? Because I did not do this, and I am angry. I am angry at the person who brought dope into the life of my family. I am tired of lying that my AD is at college when she is in prison. WHy do I lie, because I have a small child who needs playmates. I hate being judged, condemed, ridiculed byt "the perfect people" I hate I can not pick up the phone and call my child when I want. I hate that she does not want to change. I hate that another young person in my community died from heroin. I hate when I look into the eyes of an addict wether using or clean, they could be one minute away from death. I hate when I see families together although I am sure some sort of dysfunction is there, they are together. I hate that I love my addicted child because with love comes immense pain at times. I hate the memories. Even the good ones because they make me cry just as bad as the bad ones. I hate that ny child has not hit bottom. I hate that she wants to return to the lifestyle. She says to me she doesnt but everything she does in action, speaks volumes. I HATE DRUG ADDICTION. I hate the loiss, pain, endless fighting for a somewhat normal life, I just wnat to breath again, just exhale. I want to rest. I want to be at peace. I am just angry tonight and tomorrow will be a better day as I always turn this around! Thanx for allowing me to vent :)

Posted: 05/01/2015 7:30 PM

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