Confessions
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My New Life..Day 5
AD was supposed to have gone to Seattle (on the other side of the country). He was posting all over Facebook he was moving there..had hit up old friends for ticket & start-up money. I dared hope it was true..I wanted it to be true. After everything we have been through I honestly never want to see him again. I feel tortured in this life and the only peace I have gotten in the last 8 years are when he is jail or in psych holds. He told me when he got out of jail he was on Medicaid..when he was with me (lasted 3 days) I gave him a computer to look up therapists and doctors who could assess him and make recommendations for treatment/meds etc. He didn't do that and of course he is not on Medicaid so he remains uninsured and he does not want "another f- ing program which he calls "crap." So he is still very close and now we have to go to the county court for a PPO. I am also meeting with the chief of police in our township to apprise him of what is going on and get some guidance on what to do. The judge told me the mental health system here is very overburdened and very underfunded. I feel so trapped in this nightmare...AD won't help himself; we can no longer live with this horror and the system is designed to deny services or those services are inadequate to the scope of the problem we are dealing with. AD will not take care of himself, he will not stop using, he is intent on destroying himself and taking as many family members with him as he can. We are afraid of him..Period. He has those cold, dead eyes and he is chock full of hatred, bitterness and blame. Add in mental & emotional illness and addiction and I don't see where this will get any better...probably ever. He repeats over and over that he wants to die but he has for years. I just want to live the rest of my life for my other three and the ones to come. I want to be able to retire and snowbird it in an RV with the dog. The reality now is we are afraid to leave our home due to threats and life is lived in fear and uncertainty, always waiting for that other shoe to drop. Sometimes, in my darkest hours, I wish him dead so this will end. Then I feel like crap...
Posted: 11/19/2014 1:03 PM
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