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just some thoughts as a mom of an AD

it has been a very long journey for me and my AD. although she has been clean as far as I know for awhile, day to day still brings a small amount of fear that she could usse again. In this time I have realized a few very important thins that I think are imperitive to a loved one of an addict. The family as a whole is sick. the closest to the addict ( i will say mother as we are usually the nurturer by nature) are thee worst! We by instinct want to aid our injured, sick child. this is "norma." in a situation where a child has the mumps, flu, diabetes we "help," except they still have choices. let us look at a diabetic child. when they are young, we can controll their food, insulin etc. If the diabetic child moves out as an adult we no longer have that control. they now have to choose their food,sugar intake, Dr. appt. and insulin. we usually do not hoover in that situation. if the diabetic adult child does not do as the Dr. directs we lecture, and maybe talk to a doctor. we know we can not control that situation. but now let us look at being the mom of an addict. We become as sick as the addict, the first sign, is we do not see it. Much like the addict. Even more detached family sees us as "crazy." We become sick in many ways. First we obsess with who they are with, where they are at. A mom of a diabetic worries, but we are not in a car looking at every restruant to see if they are eating pudding with an over eating friend. ( as an example). Or scoping out every bakery in town if they are not home when we call. but if an addict is using we will jump into a car at all ungodly hours of the night to just see if they are with a "bad" friend. or if they are at the local trap house. We will put ourselves in jeopardy to see if they are "OK" while driving through an unsafe area, alone at night. WHY? we become crazed with making sure they are OK. We soon begin to slowly loose ourselves. As we see the loss in an addicts eyes our loves ones see us ( mother, wife Father Hubby of a loved one) fade away also. So now we have the begining of a domino effect. The addict drifts, the mother drifts also. Now we have the dynamic of the spouse who is left to just sit back and watch thier child and spouse drift away into the sea of addiction. Arguing is par for the course, distance between family members becomes the norm now. Other shildren ( siblings or or other minors in the home) become resentful. WHY? and that is the question, why do we allow it to happen? In the YEARS of going through this I learned I loved my AD enough to let her make her choices. it was a very HARD concept. The anguish ( and that word does not even come close to how I felt in the begining) I used to feel while struggling to let go, do the tough love thing, and to try and balance a family was so much weight on me. I thought I would not survive, much like the addict themselves feel. I felt pain, fear, and guilt, much like an addict. In the end, I have learned the lesson that I loved my AD enough to STOP MYSELF from "helping" and let her learn the lessons she needed to. She is sober to the best of my knowledge. I still pray, I have gotten involved in reaching out to addicts that want help. Helping others has helped me, and I have gained a greater understanding of myself and an addict. I worry, of course. But I do not dwell. I am working on my marraige which suffered immensly. I have a little girl who I need to make time up with. I have educated her greatly about drugs, the consuquences of those choices. I have had her help me hand out naloxone to "sick" people, and stress the importance of making GOOD freinds. She is 7 years old, and NO it is never too soon to talk to your children about any type of danger. I am finding peices of me. I was shatterd into a million fragment when I foumd out my child was an AD. I am putting me back together. I am stronger and wiser. I am compassionate, and gained a better understanding that all families are vulnerable to this disease. i can offer advice, stats, and hope to you. I will end with this.Never stop praying,always have hope,you can not change anyone or how they think but yourself. Do not tolerate what is illegal in your home, car or property. BREATHE, rest, take time for YOU. if you are in the thick of it remember that is YOUR choice to be in or out, much like the active addict. if you want to understand addiction, as a loved one, look right into the mirror and asses your own self. It is hard but change begins with YOU. God Bless!

Posted: 05/14/2016 10:18 AM

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Suboxone

Is there ANY way to get high using Suboxone?

Posted: 05/05/2016 5:27 PM

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admit

Why can't an addict see the problem?yes why does my husband see enough if the pain meds are ordered by a doctor that taking 100 percocet in 6days is out of control. But his ,what I think is a drug problem, has been going on for 20years. But he does not see it as a problem

No abuse in our relationship

Posted: 04/03/2016 7:43 AM

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Addict husband, what to do?

So, I am a drug addict. My drug of choice was prescription pain medication. I have 42 days clean and have been faithfully attending NA meetings, have a sponsor and am doing intensive stepwork. I'm very serious about my recovery. My husband didn't know I was using when I told him about my addiction. I told him because I knew it was out of control and I needed help. He admitted at that time that he was an alcoholic and he agreed to stop drinking when I stopped using. He has been going to AA meetings but does not have a sponsor yet, nor is he doing stepwork. I knew in the past that he has had issues with drugs but to be quite honest, it was the drinking that had become an issue. The other day, I went downstairs and noticed that it smelled like marijuana. So Monday when he went to work, I searched for it. I found about $100 worth along with a baggie full of oxycodone and methadone. I confiscated his stash and wrote him a letter explaining all the ways I was hurt by his choice to use drugs and how hard it was for me, a recovering addict, to find those drugs. I am furious that they were in our house - we have a 17 year old, 12 year old, 7 year old and a baby. If I could find them so easily, so could they. He admitted that he had been stealing the pills from his mother. In retrospect, I realize we should have addressed the drug addiction when we addressed his drinking as he'd taken my Percocet following my c-section and I noticed he was stealing my Ritalin so I did know there was a problem.

So, my question in this... It's been 5 days and he's still not talking to me. I told him that I'd destroyed his stash and he wasn't getting it back. Now I'm wondering if the right thing to do isn't to give it back to him and let him make the decision about what to do with it. Marital discord is a huge trigger for me and I'm struggling with wanting to use because we're not getting along. I'm trying to find a NA meeting to go to tonight as my sponsor is out of town this weekend.

Any advice?

Posted: 03/25/2016 4:41 PM

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my life

Twenty years ago, I moved back to my hometown, after having been gone for nearly 20 years.  My alcoholic father had been dead for nearly 18 of those years. In those 18 years a relative of mine helped to start a well respected Rehab with Dr. Abraham Twerski.  That relative, lost millions to his addiction. ( To paraphrase the country song  I come from a long line of love, I come from a long line of drunks). This particular rehab had a lot of large roadside ads: Went to ... celebrates 9 years of sobriety...One sign was on the main drag near my home, and was on the way to my daughter's preschool.  For about a year, every time I passed that ad, I thought, If only....If only my dad had gone to rehab... and the rest of that sentence reads like this:  If only my dad had gone to rehab, then my life would have been different in the following ways: I would not have been so sad, I could have had friends over to my house, he would still be alive, I could've shared things with him....the list goes on, and on, and on...

After so much time, I now know, he did not go to rehab.  He could not.  He was an addict, and he faced the truth of his addiction, but he could not make himself go the distance to sobriety.

He was bright and kind and loving.  And he was an addict who never made the jump , the commitment, to sobriety.

Yes, forty years ago, times were so different.  There really were not any 'rehabs' and stigma abounded.

I had to stop the 'what ifs' and learn to love him, and accept that he was an addict.  I had to stop the looping video in which he gets sober and I have a happy life.

I had to reach the point in which I accepted and loved him, addiction and all, I moved on with my life.  I had to realize I could stop the looping video, and I could be happy.

Then along came my AD, and I had to learn to do that same thing all over again.  I am still learning, still trying to figure this addiction thing out.

Honestly, I have no answers.  I just know I cannot, do not have to, stop loving the addicts in my life. I do have to learn to love them, move on, let go.

Thank you for listening.

Posted: 03/24/2016 10:26 PM

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Detachment

my 27 year old son was arrested for felony dwi, I feel that I need to detach myself from him, I can't go thru this again!!!But not sure I'm doing the right thing. It's been a few days and I can't even bring myself to talk to him! Because everything out of his mouth is a lie. Please I will welcome any advise.

Posted: 03/22/2016 6:57 AM

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Difference
What's the difference between being clean and being in recovery?

Posted: 03/17/2016 11:50 PM

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I NEED advice I am so LOST

Hello all! I need advice! I have been so lost so much so I had  the brutal truth that i never realized, i have been dealing with my AD for seven years! She is fine as far as I know, but I  trying to find ME! I have been so lost in trying to keep my family together that i ladt me so much I do not know how to begin to find me! I have a small child so a lot of time is with her, and I do not have much extra. I am not happy with my job, but i  limited on available jobs iny area! I used to haveamy hobbies bit they no longer interest me. I jist do not know how to find me again! I am so ready to put me back together and find things I like but it feels overwhelming and i just do not know where to begin! Things i loved no longer grab me! Any advice is more than welcomed! I am  happy that i arrived to this point but chamge and chamging me is scary! I am 46 and it seems hard to reinvent myself! Thank you!

Posted: 03/03/2016 8:59 PM

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SOBER COACH
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its been a long time. coming up on 5 years clean/sober

hello family, i cant remember whens the last time ive been on but just checking in as well to let the members that know me and as well as the new members that March 3rd i will be celebrating 5 years. for those who remember me i was the son deep into my addiction that put my mom and step father through hell and back. through the years of recoverying i have made alot of accomplishments. got my licsense back, got a car, im now engaged. and I have a job working with Oxford House, Inc. for those who remember when i got out of rehab i moved into oxford house which is a sober living house and now i work for the company. i still remember the days when i had a horrible relationship with my parents especially my mom due to my addiction. she always had fear in her eyes that one of these days she was going to get that phone call that something happened. but as of today its truley a gift eveytime she see's me her eyes light up with joy and you can see she is living a better life without having to worry about me drinking or using. thats just some of the accomplishments i have gained. but its important to remember that it doesnt stop here. it must keep going with sucess and remaming clean and sober one day at a time. im proud of the man i have become today. which are gifts of recovery. i normally share around this time of year just to show that im living proof that recovery is possible. my experience and suggestion for anyone still in rehab or just geeting clean to get into an oxford house. between NA/AA as well as oxford house it saved my life as i continue to grow. im sorry im not able to get on the site as much but im happy to see that the site is growing more and more. i still remember when it first started. and for some reason if anyone you would like to get ahold of me just to talk or need additional information i can be reached either by email or phone. also for more information on oxfordhouse go to www.oxfordhouse.org  also i always end with this- "for those who are new or still struggling, keep your heads up its been down for way too long.

Hunter Trivett

hunter.trivett@oxfordhouse.org

(304)989-9476

Posted: 02/23/2016 1:26 PM

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Please tell me my husband isn't smoking crack

Please tell me it's not crack.  Could the smell of crack possibly be compared to a pan on the stove warming up?  This is the closest thing I can compare the smell to coming from my bathroom.  Just this morning, i woke up to that smell and my first thought was my husband was cooking something on the stove and quickly realized he was in the bathroom a ways away from the stove.

Posted: 02/21/2016 2:18 PM

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