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why would my husband choose drugs over me?

it's a long story but we are separated and he has been served divorce papers.  Some of the things I just can't bring myself to type since I know I have been a fool.  He just had a bad motorcycle accident, is living in a dump, the motorcycle is ruined, he needs surgery and through all this, he won't get help.  I don't understand after living the life we had (I have a good job and own my own home) why he would choose that life.  He does and always has worked but his current job fell into his lap and I know they wouldn't have hired him had they checked him out.  I believed so much and I never thought I would not see through somebody like this.  I do love him but I am coming to grips that I may just love the idea of him. 

Posted: 05/15/2011 12:35 PM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

In my experiece,and i have years i dont think he is picking drugs over you. That is how strong addiction is,people make bad judgements on the daily,and when he is using that isn't your husband that is an addict.

Posted: 05/15/2011 12:43 PM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

 Dear schmog,

Has he done that; or are you still with him? I am wondering whether he really had to make a choice.  Would you please share a little bit more about your situation?

Best wishes,

Tangled

Posted: 05/15/2011 12:49 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

This is something I ran across many years ago and thought this might help you:

I am a drug abuser. I need help.

Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.

Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.

Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.

And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.

Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.

Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.

Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.

Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.

Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.

Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.

I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.

Love,
Your "User"

Posted: 05/15/2011 1:53 PM

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GURU
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

It's not that he's choosing anything at all. Tha disease of addiction takes control of a persons mind. That's why it is classified as a mental illness by the A.M.A. It is a severe form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I remember years spent doing things against my will. Years asking myself why. Years crying myself to sleep because I had spent another day doing things I didn't want to do and said I wouldn't do. You have no way of understanding how that feels. Be grateful that you don't.

Addiction is NOT a choice.

Posted: 05/16/2011 7:45 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

Hi there,

Will is so right, Addiction is not a choice...I know I never had dreams of becoming an alcoholic, bringing destruction of family life, hurting so many...If anything at a  young age I said I will never be like my parents who were both alcoholic...I was wrong...I am now sober over two and one half years because I decided I wanted to live...I had already spent time in jail so what was left? An early grave...

With regards to you educate yourself in addiction and reach out for any support you can find...Comiing here is a great place...We truly care and are willing and wanting to help you in ways of support, and also want to share our experiences with addiction....You are not alone and never have to be...

Please keep us posted...

Posted: 05/16/2011 8:40 AM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

I think we are wearing the same shoes, and like you I DO NOT understand how the man I love could choose such a destructive lifestyle over what we have, He has lied and deceived me so many times, he has manipulated and tricked me, and I fell for it over and over! Soon his lies catch up to him, I confront him and  he will apologize, ask for help and admit he had a problem, then things will go better for a while, I want so badly to believe that he wants help and is ready to receive it,  that I very easily forgive him, pretty soon it's back to the same old tricks, same old lies, same old choices, I get angry, lash out, try to throw consequences at him and make him feel guilty for his choices, I cry and don't eat or sleep. none of it works! Round and round we go, I can't seem to let go, My heart knows what it wants, but my head screams to let go. I know that addiction is not a choice but I don't understand how or why he won't fight for sobriety. I don't understand how he can feel so horrible about his choices and want to be a better man, make better choices, but turns back to that soul taking drug, it's pure evil and robs the addict of every good trait that they have, why would he surrender? I want to help him, I am here for him and I know I can't do it for him, but I still try to show him that there is a better way. Addiction destroys so many lives, so many good relationships, I don't have any answers for you but I truly understand how you are feeling. I wish you and your husband the best and if you need someone to vent to, look me up!

Posted: 05/16/2011 9:14 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

Try as we may, those of us who are not addicts, will NEVER understand.  It does help to be able to talk about it with others who have been or are in our shoes. It helps to get some insight from addicts, after all...they have been there and done that.... Please keep posting and know you are not alone.  I'm glad you found us.   

Posted: 05/16/2011 11:27 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

I can honestly tell you that I did not choose to be an alcoholic,  In fact, I swore I would never be like my father, who was one.  Unfortunately, you don't know that you are addicted until you become addicted.  There are some warning signs, but in the back of my mind I thought that would never happen to me. 

It wasn't until I was alone (my daughter got tired of hitting her head against a brick wall dealing with me), sick and hallucinating that I made a decision to do whatever it took to get better.  I hadn't lost any material things, but I had lost what mattered most - my soul and my relationship with my only child. 

There is hope for recovery, but one has to want it and take the action.  The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous work if you work them.  I wish I could make someone want to get better, but I simply don't have that power.  That power lies within one's self and their Higher Power. 

The only advice I can give loved ones is educate themselves regarding addiction so that maybe they can plant a seed, get help for themselves through support groups such as Alanon, Naranon etc. and if the situation becomes unbearable, detach. 

Remember there is hope...

Posted: 05/16/2011 1:46 PM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

You can love an individual, but at the same time, hate their bahavior. You are probably physically attracted to him, and you may love who he is when he isn't using. Unfortunately, you can't make him be clean. He has to want to be sober. Until he makes that decision, and sticks with it, he is who he is. People are a whold different character when using. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but I am glad to see that you are a strong woman, and that you have made the decision to separate yourself from him. I understand that it is emotionally very painful, but it is in your best interest. I'm sure that he knows this too. Thank you for sharing with us. Please keep posting.

Posted: 05/16/2011 3:31 PM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

I feel the same way about my daughter, why is she picking drugs over her family? Well she is not, it is not her, it's the addict. It is not logical, it is not rational. She loves the high over everything else. Her only  love is the drugs. Try not to take it personally. It's not you.

Posted: 05/17/2011 2:00 PM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

 thank you all for all your words of wisdom!  it feels wonderful to know that I am not alone.  I go to my 2nd Alanon meeting tomorrow night so I will just try to move forward the best I can.  i told my husband that there is an AA meeting at the same time so its up to him if he wants to go.  He said his motorcycle accident was enough rehab but I know that's his way of letting me know he's not ready but I can no longer stay on hold.  

Posted: 05/17/2011 5:30 PM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

 thank you all for all your words of wisdom!  it feels wonderful to know that I am not alone.  I go to my 2nd Alanon meeting tomorrow night so I will just try to move forward the best I can.  i told my husband that there is an AA meeting at the same time so its up to him if he wants to go.  He said his motorcycle accident was enough rehab but I know that's his way of letting me know he's not ready but I can no longer stay on hold.  

Posted: 05/18/2011 3:07 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

Good for you!  Get on your path of recovery and hopefully, he will get on his.  Regardless, there is a lot of life yet to live and he can either get on your train or it will leave the station without him.

 

Posted: 05/18/2011 5:36 AM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

Hi Shmog....nothing changes if nothing changes.  When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you are ready to make changes.

Sometimes we have to detach with love from the addict.  For me, it meant filing for a divorce and starting life over.  I had to have help and I got it from my dear friends in Alanon.  I still loved my husband (who he was when he was sober and working AA), but I had to do whatever it took to take care of myself.

Actions speak louder than words; unless he shows you he is going to change his life, he is just giving you lip service.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with life without him.  He is sick and needs help.  There is nothing you can do to help him; he has to show you he is willing to change his life.

Use your computer and research alcohol and addiction; get educated on this horrible illness.

I wish you all the best.

MsReba

Posted: 05/19/2011 1:20 PM

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In Response to: why would my husband choose drugs over me?

Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm new to this WHY ferris wheel myself.  The BEST thing you can do is stay with Al-Anon.  My group is partners with an AA group.  last night we did a step study and listening to the guys talk about the things they did, the damage they did and the guilt they felt... well, all I could do was cry.  I also had to get some counseling for myself.

I couldn't understand why my husband knew AA was out there, he'd been detoxed multiple times, hospitalized, and in rehab 7x's or more and still chose the bottle... but through these meetings and Al-Anon, I'm not getting the answers to my questions about my husband but about the disease of alcohol.

Sometimes there is an underlying mental illness.  Sometimes the alcoholism causes a mental illness... And sometimes, the person is just not strong enough to take the step and accept the help because the desire to drink is just too strong...

I hope this helps.  There are others out there--find them, hold onto them-- you will be comforted by them.

 

Posted: 05/28/2011 9:34 AM

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