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Denial?
My father was an active alcoholic for approx 10 years that I can remember. He was a good father thru my childhood. This started when i was 15. He became vacant. Thought he hid it, denied it to the fullest until he finally went to rehab. Has never drank again. 32 years sober. I met my second Husband (divorced the first....special needs child....we grew apart). When I married my present husband, he told me he was recovering. I told him I thought that was great!! Meant it. Also, informed him that I could NOT be married to an alcoholic and wouldn't live in it nor put children through it. For 12 years, he stayed sober. One night, he brought in a liter of Vodka. I occassionally have a beer if all the children are gone for the night. He was ALWAYS fine with that. I don't drink liquior period. I asked him why........he said he just wanted to. I think it must have started prior to this time because he drank 3/4 of the bottle of absolute on the rocks, no mix, just straight and was buzzed but not drunk. I would have had to have my stomach pumped. I bought his BS for a while that he was older noe (46) and had no desire to return to his previous place of addiction. Over the course of time since, I have found bottles hidden. He denies drinking other than the discovery of the bottles I have found. He is angry that I am badgering him to stop. Has even blamed me at times for his desire to drink. We now have three in college, my son with Down Syndrom (15) at home and our daughter together (9) who worships her father. Our finances aren't good. He is very capable of achieving a large salary but has his own business which isn't making the money we at one time had. I'm tired of fussing, searching.............I can't get through to him. he is angry with me now because he went for a physical so we could apply for cheaper insurance (health). Although all was in range, one number wasn't...an indicator of drinking. He acts as if I am happy that the number was elevated. I am met with resentment and anger and I just care about his well being, the well being of our family and the relationship with our daughter. I don't want to sink in his ship. He is a wonderful man with a horrible disease. I don't know what to do..........someone help. I called the AA Hotline. I was told that I should tell him to take the bottle and hit the curb................thoughts? Posted: 09/27/2011 6:19 PM
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In Response to: Denial? Welcome to AAA. I am sorry you are going through this. I am not an addict but have been affected by my son's addiction. There wil be many women coming on that have been or are in your situation. I can tell you that it sounds like he is in heavy denial. Unless he gets help it will only get worse. Perhaps a seperation is best for now. It will give you and your daughter some peace and it will help him realize you are serious. Keep posting we are here for you. Posted: 09/28/2011 4:28 AM
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In Response to: Denial? De, Welcome to Ask an Addict! Great advise from my friends above... It looks like you will be ok...You are educated on addiction, have experience, ( your dad), both my parents were alcoholics and both died from the disease... My advise? Tell him, no matter what, he must get sober and STAY sober...This means he will need help, most addicts cannot quit on their own..I am also in recovery almost three years sober...Do not settle for less, you sound strong, stay strong for your sake and the children and also it just may save your husbands life... As said above, we care what happens to you! Keep us posted... Posted: 09/28/2011 5:48 AM
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In Response to: Denial? I absolutely agree with all the above posts - he needs to stop drinking and get help or it is time for you to move on. His hidden bottles indicate that his disease has progressed probably more than you realize. If he continues in his addiction, it will only get worse and that will be no fun for you or your children. Keep posting here and we will help you in any way that we can. Posted: 09/28/2011 6:16 AM
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In Response to: Denial? Posted: 09/28/2011 6:37 AM
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In Response to: Denial? Thank you SOOO much for the responses. He went out and bought a breathalizer last night to prove to me he isn't drinking. Then, got up this morning and first thing, angrily asked for it to blow in. I told him to drop the attitude, it was HIS addiction that caused this concern, HIS bottles that had been discovered, HIS lies that created the need for proof and it just escalated. I told him that this too was a part of the disease; the fighting, denying, etc. I actually said to him, "I told you I wasn't going to live in it, I'm not going to and I will go file". He didn't respond in anyway. He left to go to work and I haven't heard from him since.
Posted: 09/28/2011 6:43 AM
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In Response to: Denial? De, Good for you! I knew you were strong and you have many people here that will support you in the process.. Now, it is all up to him...I will pray that he gets help, and please keep us posted... Posted: 09/28/2011 7:16 AM
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In Response to: Denial? Thanks. I don't know. I do love him. He is a wonderful man. I quit work when we married to be a stay at home Mom with our combined children. Everyone knows the current unemployment rate. I have to be home for my son on school holidays and after school. Don't know how I would make it financially or take care of my son as he is severly developmentally delayed(12-15 months) and non-verbal. I need my husband for many reasons. I hope he gets help. He is just so angry.
Posted: 09/28/2011 7:57 AM
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In Response to: Denial? Along with him using the breathalyzer, how about going to AA meetings together? How about the other siblings take care or your son for a couple of hours while the two of you attend AA meetings? Nothing but good can come from that. It is a nice way to socialize, get out of the house, and meet people with kindrid spirits, sort of. Not just alcoholics go to those meetings, loved ones go too. Some meetings are closed to just the alcoholics, and some are open for loved ones also. He's probably still drinking, but better at hiding it, by putting his bottles like buried in the trash can outside, in his garage, the trunk of his car, or behind the seat of his truck, you know....places he thinks you'll never look.How about you handle all monies. You watch where every cent is purchased, and ask him to show you all receipts. If he has nothing to hide, he should agree to this. When my husband was in Iraq, I sent him all of my receipts, along with his "goodies" . He loved reading those receipts to see what all I was buying and doing with those things that I was buying. I bought thong panties frequently just so he would see that on the receipt and think sexy thoughts of me. Little things like reading all of my purchases meant a lot to him. He didn't ask, I just sent them all in with his goodies. I also wonder about his breathalyzer....have you tried it? If it were me, I would swish alcohol around in my mouth and try it out to see if it is accurate before I would believe anything from it. I also agree that he drank almost a ltr. of Absolute, and was barely buzzed, shows that he has been drinking for a very long time. Anyone who can drink it straight like that is accustomed to it. What he is drinking is a very dry Absolute martini on the rocks. That's hard core!! Posted: 09/28/2011 8:42 AM
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In Response to: Denial? It is hardcore! He is just in such denial. I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. He hasn't called today. Good idea to check the breathylizer. Thanks. Honestly, I'm tired of looking for his hiding places. He's going to do his usual. Just not speak to me for a few days. I hate this!! I sent him an email letting him know how he made me feel this morning demanding his breathalyzer. No response. Posted: 09/28/2011 9:25 AM
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In Response to: Denial? A huge majority of alcoholics choose vodka because the smell is almost non-detectable. Posted: 09/28/2011 10:04 AM
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In Response to: Denial? Raspberry vodka was my undoing in the end... Posted: 09/28/2011 6:19 PM
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In Response to: Denial? To state the obvious, you are living with an alcoholic/addict. I am the daughter and mother of addicts. There is one thing that has not worked for me, and that is do the 'rehab at home' routine, in which I have to conduct drug screens. Addicts know how to beat drug tests. I was always one step behaind my daughter on that one. For me, agreeing to do the drug testing meant agreeing to the co-occurring confrontations and arguments with my daughter. An addict will use if they are in active addiction; drug tests and breathalyzers are a bump in the road. Tell him to start going to meetings and to get into treatment. Leave the drug testing to the professionals. Posted: 09/28/2011 7:06 PM
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In Response to: Denial? Hi DE, I agree with Cathy...The rehab at home usually doesn't work...Most addicts are smart and know how to beat the tests Don't put yourself through all the aggravation, arguements etc... Ignore the childlike behavior of him not talking to you...Get out and do something that brings you relief, whatever that may be...
Posted: 09/29/2011 6:13 AM
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In Response to: Denial? Thanks Missy and Kathy. Good advice. I want to be a wife and a Mother, not a cop. It is going to be a beautiful day. I'm going to get out and get in some "retail" therapy, pick my daughter up from school and be ready to leave here with her for Cheer (my little competitive cheerleader) when he arrives home. So, my day should be pretty much husband free. All of you enjoy your day as well. Posted: 09/29/2011 6:39 AM
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