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Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

In the six years  I have lived with an alcoholic, I have found him very reluctant to help with any household. He seems to be very tight with his money and even lets me know when he does pay for something by leaving the receipt on the counter, so I cannot miss it, and I find this tacky!    At times he will say things like, "money, money, money!" it is always about money, and makes me feel guilty for asking for money  to help pay the household expense, and then I just pay them and say nothing, he wins! . I realize I am getting caught in the guilt or transfer trip, and this makes me angry with myself.  At other times, it makes me resentful when I am always the one paying the bills. He got a good job now and I thought things would get better but they only get worse. Where does all his money go, for the addictions?  Is there any way to make him aware of the unfairness of this, and he needs to pay his share and that life does not offer us a free ride??  Someone has to pay, and I seem to be the one who always has to pay the bills.   I seek some feedback, and advice. Thanks

Posted: 12/28/2011 10:28 PM

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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

addicts are very selfish and yes it always is about them..You will never be first in his life until he realizes that he has to stop..as long as you are paying all the bills why would he change..my son is an alcoholic and has gone through a ton of money with nothing to show for it but a shattered life..God Bless

Posted: 12/28/2011 11:04 PM

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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

 Listen to your voice. If you are getting mad, but don't say anything this is wrong. In what world do people not have to pay bills. If you live in a home with someone you split the bills, unless you have agreed otherwise for a short period of time (or stay at home mom). Why is all the pressure on you. Why are you responsible for all of this. I say this because I know this very well as my husband is an addict. You know the saying "it's not you, it's me." When it comes to an addict, it is true....it is ALL THEM!  

Posted: 12/28/2011 11:33 PM

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GURU
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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

Hey Miss Marple, I resemble that remark. lol

Sorry Newbie.

Addicts (alcohol is a drug) are totally self absorbed. The very core of the disease is self centeredness.

Nothing about that will change no matter what you do until he gets clean and works the steps to learn how to be a respectible, responsible, productive member of society.

Best wishes.

Posted: 12/29/2011 12:51 AM

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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

Hi Newbie,

Let's just take this one apart:

Money is his area of control in a life where he probably feels out of control.  So, play to his strength:  make a budget, on paper and write down what you expect him to contribute in one column and what you contribute in the other column.Collect receipts. 

Go over the budget once a month with him. Heck!  Get him Quicken for the computer so he can entere every fricking little expense in the spreadsheet. Every time he enters an amount, the computer goes "ker-ching" ( I am not kidding!) Very satifying to a person who has hung so much of his life's pleasures on controlling money.  He needs control over that area of his life.

And what does that have to do with alcoholism? Not much, but your problem is not his drinking; it is his selfishness and need for control.

If you want to stay with him, try my way.  The other choice you have is to make him go away.

Best of luck to you,

Tangled

Posted: 12/29/2011 1:38 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

To answer your question. YES, I am married to an alcholic 26 years, and if I heard the phrase "I am just a paycheck to you all" once, I heard in a million times. Guess what, if he doesn't pay the bills, I let the stuff get turned off, a cold shower and house makes point. This will not change until there is recovery, it will only get worse, I know.

Posted: 12/29/2011 5:08 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

"Selfishness-self centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles"  pg. 62 Alcoholics Anonymous

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.  Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.  We must, or it kills us!"  pg. 62 Alcoholics Anonymous

I hope this sheds some light on your situation.

Posted: 12/29/2011 8:23 PM

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GURU
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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

It's been a while since I read the BB Kitty, I knew you would come up with something though.

Good stuff !

Posted: 12/30/2011 2:47 AM

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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

Why live with an alcoholic at all?  Is the guy your bf?  Alcoholism gets worse and worse... So if he all about money now, who knows what he will be about at the 8 year mark????   You ask if selfishness and alcoholism go together... I personally think all addicts are selfish, BUT, I know several people who have no addiction issues and are selfish as h----!!!  Why put up with it regardless of its origin?

Posted: 12/30/2011 2:15 PM

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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

A wise person told me this.

So what this means to family members of persons with addiction is that it is our responsiblity to change our selves.  It is not all the addict; that removes responsibility from us, family members.  We are responsible for continuing to allow the person with addiction to determine what we do, how we feel, the direction of our life.  Addiction takes three to tango: the addiction, the addict, and someone who helps (enables) the addict to keep on using.

Remove yourself from that equasion.  Stop enabling your significant other to manipulate you into allowig him to keep on using and being irresponsible about paying bills.  YOU have do something to effect change.

Posted: 12/30/2011 11:59 PM

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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

I hate to tell you it doesn't get better unless he is willing to get sober but even if that happens he has lived his life very selfishly.  I had to make a personal decision about the exact same situation, nothing was going to change until i changed it.  The hold onto their money, just in case so they have it for their next bottle or whatever it is they want.  It's not an easy decision by any means and I wish you luck, hope it works out the way you want it to.

Posted: 12/31/2011 4:26 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

Maggie asks, "Is it a boyfriend?"  Good question.  Boyfriends can be shown the exit sign easier than a husband. And a husband is part of your union by law; one most try to salvage.  You will have to make tough choices either way and I wish you the best.

Thinking of you and keep posting.

Posted: 12/31/2011 6:48 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Is selfishness and effect of alcoholism?

Yes, addicts are extremely self absorbed, selfish people. Set him down with all bills laid out. Tell him that he must split each one down the middle, and pay his half, or hit the road!

Posted: 01/03/2012 3:30 PM

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