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i keep finding the hurt
I have been doing pretty well. I miss my AD so very badly but I keep plugging along. I keep finding the hurt though. I am not trying, it is just things keep happening that are so hard to cope with. I have been redoing my house a little at a time. As I move something I find things. I paint (various rooms) I keep finding splatters, or smudges of blood and black finger prints. I can not believe the things that keep coming up. My cat got into something a week or so ago and almost died. I had no idea what was wrong with it until I found the "evidence" and put it together. He was tripping...my God I still can not believe what has happened sometimes, in my house. I no longer say "home" because it no longer feels like the safe place to escape the woes of the world. it feels like a place where I come to, that reminds me of the woes of the world. Does that make any sense at all? i sometimes want to move, to run. Sometimes I think it will be OK if I stay. I just do not know if it will all be OK in the house again. It is such a pretty house. I built it with so many dreams for my family. I know not one persons behavior should push me out of my house but it is the continuing of finding the horrors that I struggle to leave behind me that is so horrific. I love my addicted child, I do not like her choices, I learn a little each day to try and move on, but how do you with constant reminders. I mean this is not just in AD bedroom or bath it is in spots that I would never expect. I am trying so had to clean this house, make it clean and fresh, not get rid of the memories ( they will always be there) but to help them fade. Since I bought this home, most of the years here have been totally encased with drug use. NOt a lot of happy times here. I am trying to make happier ones and rebuild but darn it! It is hard to revamp and move on when it keeps showing itself over and over again. I must have found 15 spots today in a small area. Then I see an old friend of Ad who ( I will not say what I think of him as I need to return to this site and my words would make a truck driver blush) But he was high, talking to me sweating and pin point eyes...made bile rise in my throat. I was not in a position to dismiss him quickly and I hated that he kept talking to me as thought he were somebody who was good to my AD. he spoke of his sobriety and it made me sicker and angry that he thought I was so stupid I did not know he was high. It was the topper to a very bad day and a horrible way to end it. Thus me writing this late, I now can not sleep. being tormented by ghosts from the past. Just so aggravated. I have other family to think of that love this house and think of it as "home" so I can not be selfish enough to want to sell it. But I secretly dream of running away, really far with all of them to a new home, in a new place where the streets and neighborhood have no dirtiness to them. Where they do not speak of pain to me....I ream and wish. Sorry I just needed to get that out of me. The painful reminders today were almost unbearable
Posted: 07/12/2014 9:57 PM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt I can relate about "reminders". Mail still comes addressed to my daughter. And even though it's been 5 months since she died, damn if I don't keep running into people I haven't seen for awhile who ask, "Hey, how's your daughter?" I know it might sound strange, but some days I feel like it just happened. It just doesn't seem Real that she's gone. A few friends have sent me that article about a call girl who OD'd a Google exec & is going to be prosecuted for it. It happened on his yacht in my beloved Santa Cruz! Posted: 07/13/2014 2:01 AM
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt After my AD got sober and before my husband got sick, the best thing I ever did was sell my house. The small condo I rent now, has no memories except the ones I make. All good. When I pass my old house, I do get a flash of memories, some good and a lot of bad. Your house is just a thing,if you want to move forward, and the memories overwhelm you, you make want to consider moving. I am so glad I did. No flashes of bad memories here. Posted: 07/13/2014 4:49 AM
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt Wannarun, There will always be times of bad memories. Looking on the bright side, can be challenging when we feel overwhelmed. Part of the healing process, is sharing these issues, with folks you just trust. This is one of the tools that bring healing. So happy you are here. Posted: 07/13/2014 5:53 AM
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt I no longer live in the house where I brought up my son and daughter. We still own it and my daughter and a slew of housemates live there now. The house depresses the hell out of me; I can't even bear to walk in the park where the kids used to play and my dogs exercised. Oddly, my daughter does not understand why I try to move our get- togethers to our new place or a neutral one. Although I lived in that house for 20 years, it's just a piece of real estate to me. Even the happy memories make me feel bad. So I totally endorse moving -- maybe you could rent the house out and rent for awhile or use the equity to buy somewhere else. It will be hard to part with the house where I used to live, as I certainly will do eventually. We also put a lot of work into the place both paid and our own work. Posted: 07/20/2014 11:44 AM
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt
I would want to move if my loved one's dealers and active addict friends lived close by. I would want to protect my little one from being exposed to that. Posted: 07/21/2014 6:25 AM
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt Here is what happened to me: we had a major house fire in the home we live in and raised our family it. The house was taken down to the rafters and some major changes were made. Since that time C has not lived here much. We lost much in that fire, and gained much more? One of the things we gained was a fresh start, erasure of third of reminders of which you speak. Posted: 07/28/2014 9:19 PM
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326 Thanks
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In Response to: i keep finding the hurt I couldn't wait to get out of our old house..we are building a new one & renting in the interim. Looking at his old rooms was depressing and finding all the hiding places for his empty fifths was upsetting. Also the neighbors had witnessed so many ugly scenes and had watched him hauled away in cuffs. They completely looked down on our family and looked the other way when they saw us. It was a relief to go somewhere new. Of course, he showed up here last winter and made a huge scene here but we will be out of here in October. Posted: 07/29/2014 5:51 PM
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