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Hurting again
My ex's new g/f telephoned me again yesterday. She said they broke up 2 weeks ago. That she'd had concerns about him and speaking to me had confirmed her doubts. The ex is not accepting that he caused the problems and is blaming me saying that i poisoned her. While she was ill in bed he was asking her for money and kept texting instead of leaving her to rest. She said he is drinking a lot and has not got anything nice to say about me. He's saying he "loved me like a mum" never wants to see me again, that he hates me and is adiment that we split up 3 months before we did and he didn't have to tell me!!!!!! And a week after splitting with the gf he's with someone new! So looks like he just goes from 1 girl to the next. The worst part was she said shes caught something from him and 3 weeks later he still hasn't gone to the drs to get checked and also to call and tell me. He said he doesn't f*ing care if i get it, doesn't f*ing care if i fall ill, doesn't f*ing care if it kills me. Whats with all the hatred? I loved/cared/supported/stood by him and helped for 3 years! I've not done a single bad thing to him so why is he being so nasty?
Posted: 08/28/2014 1:58 AM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Hurting again Why? Because he's an Addict, that's why. You're trying to be Logical about something that Defies Logic. And talking to the GF about him? Like Picking at a Scab. Posted: 08/28/2014 2:15 AM
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In Response to: Hurting again Where does the anger come from? He's unhappy with his life. Alcoholism is his problem. But he denies that. There must be another explanation for his unhappiness. Must be other people. They are the ones who make him unhappy. If they loved him enough in the proper way, then he would be happy. Meanwhile here he is unhappy not because of his addiction but because of his parents, his girlfriends, etc. etc. You could call it scapegoating, I guess. That's the best I can do for an explanation. I also brood about "why?" myself. Some people think worrying about why is a waste of time, but I have found knowing why releases me from guilt for not loving someone enough in the right way. Posted: 08/28/2014 4:39 AM
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In Response to: Hurting again The anger comes from the addiction, he will not be happy until he likes himself and that won't come until he is clean and accepts he Is powerless. He will abuse all who are around him. Save yourself and forget about him. Posted: 08/28/2014 5:03 AM
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In Response to: Hurting again Oh Bewildered! This post looks almost like the one I posted a couple of months ago when I found out from a mutual acquaintance of mine and my ex-husband's that he told her I was now gay! Her husband told me the ex was complaining that I used to spend too much money on my hair (there was never a lack of funds for his crack but he didn't mention that) and that I owed him a motorcycle since I has to sell mine (which he loved) because we were $40000 in credit card debt (which I took all of to pay off since he never would). He got his mototcycle in the divorce but he "deserved a better one." I say all this to say that when I ventured onto his side of the street, my thinking became all jumbled. I finally told the wife and husband I didn't want to hear anything about him. They appeared eager to tell me (they are quite nosy) but I said no. Talibabe is right - he's unhappy with his life. My ex has had more girlfriends than I can shake a stick at and all I can think is thank God its not me anymore. You can see he treats you and his ex the same. It's not personal, it's drug addiction. Get off his side off the street. There's no need to talk to his ex, his current girlfriend or anybody else about him. They say in Alanon to stay inside your own hula hoop and I say that to myself if I ever feel like I want to know what he's up to which, btw, diminishes greatly with time. I love my life without him in it. I don't hate him. I do pray for him but that's all I can do. He has his own life to live and so do I. But in order to keep my hard earned happiness, I must not even glance at his side of the street. It's hard but it gets easier. No more drama is a nice way to live. (( )) Posted: 08/28/2014 4:24 PM
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In Response to: Hurting again Thank you for your replies. For the record, I don't want to be with him and my love for him has now gone. I accept that all the drama is in the past and i'm happy not dealing with his issues every day. I tried my best to help him and support him but he chose to continue with his addictions and not be with me. I understand addiction is an illness. I understand its progressive. I understand that you can't force an addict to get help, they have to want to get better. What i don't understand is all the hatred and nastiness. Why do addicts turn against the people who love and care for them? People that they love/loved? Why can't they see the damage they are doing to their life? Posted: 08/29/2014 7:59 AM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Hurting again Hatred + Nastiness = Their Survival. Remember when they talk, it's the Addiction Talking. And The Addiction will do Anything It Needs To Do to Keep Itself Alive. This includes lying, cheating, stealing money, stealing things that can be pawned for money, manipulating, acting, twisting your words, denial, empty promises (saying they're going to rehab is common) using you, using anyone they need to, etc., etc. Get the idea? Peace & prayers. Posted: 08/29/2014 7:25 PM
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In Response to: Hurting again That was exactly the question I once asked. Why so mean and hurtful when all I did was love him and try to help him. Why spread rumors and say hurtful things to other people about me. The reason is as stated above. Active addiction will DO ANYTHING to stay alive. You have to remember that in his mind, this is all seen terribly different. You are evil since you were not willing to accept his bullsh*t. You stopped helping him. His problems are 100% the fault of everyone except himself. I remember listening in utter amazement to my ex one day after our divorce when he listed all the reasons his life sucked -and you know what? Not one of them had anything to do with him or anything he had done. Lost a good job - boss was a jerk: bill collectors calling - jerk boss caused him to lose job and now has no money; no place to live - cruel ex wife (me) kicked him out for no reason., etc, etc. I think you get the point. This is why one needs to stay inside their own hula hoop because the reasons he feels the way he does are irrelevant and you will never understand since you are not an addict. I will never understand so I had to stop asking in order to move on. The time spent wondering why is wasted time. Posted: 08/30/2014 4:49 AM
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In Response to: Hurting again We do understand; we prefer not to. We vote for the reality we need. Posted: 08/30/2014 1:28 PM
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In Response to: Hurting again Thanks again for your replies especially Chrissy. Knowing that this is addict behaviour helps me to understand :) Posted: 08/31/2014 10:51 AM
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