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I don't know what to do I need advice
I don't even know where to begin. I know this is long but it would mean a lot if people could listen. I have been with my boyfriend now for going on two years. Things were great for the longest time. Last year I became pregnant and we moved into our own place. We had a beautiful baby boy in the fall. Things have went to **** now though. In summer I found out that he had been using prescription pills. There were times I just asked him straight up and he lied to my face. I eventually had proof because he left a text on my phone asking a buddy if he could find any pills. I confronted him on it and made the point of how the baby and me should be most important, not pills. This whole town that we live in is full of addiction and it's sickening. I've seen people ruin their lives because of it and I want no part in it. He agreed to stop doing it and said that he wasn't addicted or doing it everyday. The problem is that some of his coworkers and family and "friends" do it too. So things were okay for maybe a month or two and I started noticing the same behaviors as before. Lies, having to leave the house in the morning for multiple reasons, money missing, huge fights over me accusing him of using. We'll eventually I had enough of it and sat him down three weeks ago and told him that he was disrespecting me and insulting my intelligence by continuing to use and lie. He fessed up to using again and said that he knows me and the baby are going to leave if he doesn't stop. He said he would stop even if we left. He still claims that he isn't addicted and that its just a couple times a week. Well anyways I agreed to give him one last chance and made it very clear that I would leave no questions asked if he did it again. He agreed to do random drug tests if that would help our relationship. I'm trying to give him the Benefit of the doubt because he seems really genuine this time. The last time I didn't feel secure with his plan to quit and I did not believe him at all. The thing I'm having trouble with is the fact that he has to be around these people that do pills all the time. He said he told everyone that he quit just so they would know. He has said that he knows he ruined everything in our relationship and that the pills are not worth losing me and his son. I don't know how to go about doing the drug tests. He used Vicodin and tramadol and I'm pretty sure those won't show up on a simple at home drug test so I would have to get more expensive ones. I also know that those pills only stay in your system for a couple days. I'm just not sure right now.. My gut feelings are usually right. Some things are still throwing up red flags to me and I'm not sure if I'm just being overly observant or paranoid.
I don't know how to deal with this. I've been having severe anxiety and depression because of this. My heart is broken and I don't understand why he chose pills over me and baby. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Posted: 02/24/2015 11:24 PM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice Hi Kaylee, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your story is so familiar. Trust your gut, you know what the truth is and it is normal for him to lie. You can not beg, reason or love himout of this. In my opinion since he nis not even accepting he has a problem, you need to insist on treatment or else. The important part is the or else. You must protect yourself and your little boy and follow through. If he gets help, great it not he will take nyou and your son down with him.. Keep posting here, allmof us in some way have had our lives destoyed by addiction. Alanon will give you knowlege and strenth to do what is right for you. Posted: 02/25/2015 4:21 AM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice I sympathize with u , so u know the vicodin is an opiate and it stays in your system 72 hours , and there is inexpensive test kits for this particular drug at wwwhomehealthtesting.com for S8.20 its a 12 panel drug test
Dog the addict
Posted: 02/25/2015 9:02 AM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice I SO Agree with Marty & Dog. Pills are the fastest growing Addiction today. Why? Cheap, easy to find (family's bathroom cabinet!), don't have to go to a scary neighborhood, or hang out with shady people. How do you know it's an Addiction? Because it overrides Age, Class, Education, Intelligence. Add Ease of Access to the last 2 & you have the reason why Medical Professionals get Addicted too, (Despite their Knowledge of what it can do!)Look up Alanon Family Groups or Nar-Anon & find a meeting near you. Peace & prayers. Posted: 02/25/2015 10:53 AM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice It's an uphill battle, but it can be won. Buy the kit, and check him randomlly. I'm willing to bet, he is still dirty, because you admit that you are seeing red flags. Listen to your gut. He is still using. He will continue to lie, money will continue to vanish into thin air....you alread know the rest....... Posted: 02/25/2015 9:07 PM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice Thanks everyone. This situation is so confusing for me. He is so set on the fact that he is clean. He really knows I'll leave if he's lying this time. I just don't understand what he's thinking if he's still doing it. Its hard for me to believe that he just doesn't love me and son. How much he does it is irrelevant to me. He said he's not addicted and to be honest that almost feels worse. I would think If he's not addicted then his judgement would be better. If he really is staying clean than I am over thinking everything and I don't know how to heal myself. How do I cope with this constant anxiety that he will fail us? Posted: 02/25/2015 9:25 PM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice If he is not going to NA or AA meetings then he is not serious about quitting. I would leave or ask him to leave until he has been clean and sober for a good long while. As long as he uses and nothing bad happens, why should he quit? Posted: 02/27/2015 6:24 PM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice It would really help you to attend an Alanon/Naranon meeting. There you will find people who are or have been in your shoes. It will help you understand some of the things you can and cannot control when dealing with addiction. My son in law went from pills to heroin and then on to recovery. My daughter says that Alanon (there is no Naranon in her area) saved her sanity and her marraige. Best of luck to you, keep posting...it helps to know you're not alone and to be able to talk about it.
Posted: 02/28/2015 1:55 PM
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice Hi Kaylee. Unfortunately the anxiety and depression will just get worse if you stay in this situation. It will become all consuming, paralyzing even. It's extremely rare that somebody just quits drugs - not matter what kind. If he hangs around the same people, he will use. He would need to change people and places. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your gut will rarely deceive you. And addicts are the sneakest people on earth. I speak from marriage to an addict who always said he quit drugs. He quit every two weeks. The sad thing was went to NA for about a month but the work was too hard so he went back to what he knew. Since you haven't left, he will push your kindness to the limit. I always threatened to kick him out and never did. Only when I could not spend one more day in that situation did I kick him and it stuck. I wanted it to work but after so many lies, there was nothing to save. Posted: 03/01/2015 5:03 PM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: I don't know what to do I need advice I've posted this many times before. I'm sorry it comes out all run together now, but you get the idea. 20 Questions - Is Nar-Anon For Me? These 20 questions allow us to evaluate ourselves to see if Nar-Anon might be right for us. Ask yourself the following questions and then answer them as honestly as you can. 1. Do you find yourself making excuses, lying or covering up for someone? 2. Do you have a reason not to trust this person? 3. Is it becoming difficult for you to believe his/her explanations? 4. Do you lie awake worrying about this person? 5. If it is your child, is he/she missing school often without your knowledge? 6. If it is your spouse, is he/she missing work and leaving bills to pile up? 7. Are your savings mysteriously disappearing? 8. Are the unanswered questions causing hostility and undermining your relationship? 9. Are you asking yourself, "What’s wrong?" and "Is it my fault?" 10. Are normal family disagreements becoming hostile and violent? 11. Are your suspicions turning you into a detective and are you afraid of what you may find? 12. Are you canceling your social functions with vague excuses? 13. Are you becoming increasingly reluctant to invite friends to your home? 14. Is concern for this person causing you headaches, a knotty stomach and extreme anxiety? 15. Do minute matters easily irritate this person? Does your whole life seem like a nightmare? 16. Are you unable to discuss the situation with friends and relatives because of embarrassment? 17. Are you frustrated by ineffective attempts to control the situation? 18. Do you overcompensate and try not to make waves? 19. Do you keep trying to make things better and nothing helps? 20. Are the life style and friends of this person changing? Do you ever think they may be using drugs? ! If you have answered “Yes” to four or more of these questions, Nar-Anon may be able to give you the answers you are looking for. You can find more info or their site, Nar-Anon Family Groups. If there's none in your area: Alanon- same Principles apply. Posted: 03/01/2015 7:05 PM
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