Have Questions About Addiction? Ask an Addict!

 Well her we go,again. First of all I am seeing a counselor. I met with her the first time a few weeks ago. She has a strong background in addiction and this is why I chose her. She seemed shocked that I had been through so much in such a short period of time and even more so of the decisions I made in a pretty short period of time when finding out about my AD drug use. She was geniunly "impressed" if you will, that I as a mother would make such hard choices with not having any proior experience (not living or growing up around drug use or having this issue myself personally) with drug addiction. Sounds great and Iknow I have made alot of hard decisions. On June 21st my AD will be released from prison. Truthfully I am scared beyond words. I do not labor over it everyday, but I do think about it everyday as the time is getting so very close. Now I know I should not worry, as it accomplishes nothing. But the stats are grim when a prisoner leaves and returns to  mainstream society. She was kicked out of her first chance of court appointed rehab. She was sent to prison and had a chance of rehab. She went through most of it but was asked to leave that one as well as she was considered toxic to the other women. She is now facing segregation which is a nice way of saying "the hole." I was hopeful. I still cling onto maybe, maybe she will want it.But truthfully it is not looking very promising. I so miss her. Not the addict, but her. It is strange with her being gone. I was sleeping well but the nightmares have returned. I dreamt of her lawyer telling me, as he did the day she was sentenced, how she would kill me with no remorse to get to a bag of dope. She would kill a baby to get to the dope. That he only had one other client crazier than her. scary stuff. I  so long for our past relationship and grieve it. Funny thing is, I see I can never reclaim that, only hope to build a new one, someday. All I do is hope for someday and realized recently that it may never ever come. I found out last week she has kept most of her contacts, and even had a friend she made in prison that was just released post on my AD facebook page "60 days" hashtag "BOSS" I recently spoke to my friend that has a halfway house and a recovering addict, My AD wrote her to request staying there. I told my friend make the judgment call about her staying and do NOT feel bad if the decision was no. My friend recieved my AD letter and she made her decision, it was a "no." She said my AD had no regret and no remorse for anything she has done to herslef or family. I am not angry with my freind at all, it was just a conformation to me that my AD is not ready. My AD has not ever said she is an addict or wants or needs help. My mind is in the process of trying to accept that. Strange how a mothers mind and heart seem to be miles  apart when trying to accept sad news such as that. I will be discussing all of this with my counsellor of course. I know my AD had been actively using heroin for about three years prior t o her going to prison. I just found that out. She used an average of 200.00 to 300.00 a day and a bag is only 20.00 I am not well versed in amounts but it sure seems like alot to me. She likes speedballing which is even worse than just straight H.The heart and respitory system does not know what to do when shooting that concoction. I do not go digging for this info, please know that. I gave up on poking around and searching for logiacal reasoning about addiction awhile back. SOrry this is so long but I needed to share the fear, pain and torment I am going through. I have some more hard deciosions to make yet again.I want this crazy ride to stop. I wish I was never on it, as we ALL wish we never got on, addicts and loved ones alike. Nobody can know the hell we all go through unless they have been in our shoes. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am not sleeping well again, and I forgot how awful that was. I need wisdom and courage to do what I lnow needs to be done. i just can not believe that in over a year nothing has changed in my AD mindset. She still palying peope, including me. I know I have allowed it and that needs to change about ME. Thus the counselor. Sometimes I feel like I am watching her play on a highway blindfolded while I am tied to a tree. She is in harms way and I can not do a thing, nothing, but watch and wait and pray and hope that she will not get run over.  Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and again I am sorry it is so long. God Bless!!!

Posted: 05/01/2015 7:14 PM

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Posted: 05/02/2015 9:55 AM

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Posted: 05/02/2015 9:55 AM

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Keep working on yourself.  That is all we can do.  Your daughter is responsible for herself.  You are doing a good job.

Posted: 05/04/2015 10:18 PM

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I can't remember, do you have an Alanon or Nar-Anon group near you? Individual counseling is very valuable. But there's nothing like a room full of  supportive people that you don't need to Explain things to. Palm, Marty & others will chime in on this. My late daughter was in county for 3 months after not following up on court ordered drug classes. It wasn't "the hole" (think that was Alcatraz). But she was isolated because she kept fighting. At 5'2", 100 lbs, she didn't take crap from gang girls, those with amorous intentions, or those who thought she "looked at 'em wrong"! Pretty much Italian all the way. 'Course she Was Born in Rome.  Since she was on medication, I innocently asked why she couldn't be placed in the psych unit.  Was told, "Because the people there wouldn't be safe from her either". All pretty startling for a ballerina-cheerleader. Outside, meth gives people a kind of courage, so she thought nothing of swinging @ a transit cop & a mall security guard. Whoops. Forgot to mention that she fought with a mean guard in jail who she remembered from juvenile detention years earlier. I sent her cards, letters, books. And the day she was discarged, some contact got to her ahead of me. She used & threw away all my correspondence.

Posted: 05/04/2015 11:41 PM

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Yes, our hearts and minds are miles apart when it comes to loving an addict.  And many of us know how peacefully you sleep when you know they are off the streets and in jail, only to become more fearful the closer their release date gets.  You are not alone. 

Posted: 05/06/2015 2:42 AM

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Posted: 05/08/2015 11:26 AM

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