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Dead, Arrested or using again
I just want to vent I think. I haven't heard from him in 24 hours. He's probably using, but I don't want to get mad, what if he's dead? Then I'm mad at a dead person. What if he's arrested? I could call the one person in his life that would probably know, but I don't want to. She's already washed her hands of him years ago. I don't want to drag her into it. I hate this. I can't eat. I did sleep the morning away..it's one of my coping mechanisms when it first starts. When he first goes missing I can sleep and I do. I know it's avoidance. But then as the time rolls on, I can't sleep. All I can do is worry. I'm trying so hard to just pray this time. I know that worrying gets me no where and praying gives me some peace. What did/do you guys do when you don't know if they are dead or alive? Posted: 05/27/2015 8:04 PM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again I am so sorry you are going through this. In the beginning, I made myself crazy, search, called, worried and eventually they show up most of the time. I guess there is a trajgic possibility but it is out of your control and less likely.. You are going to worry but try to let it stop there and wait and see. Posted: 05/28/2015 3:23 AM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again I got a thumbs up emoticon at 3:30 am. 30 minutes after I fell asleep. That was it. At least he's not dead and I can be angry! Posted: 05/28/2015 4:24 AM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again
http://www.emotional-detachment.com/how-to-detach-emotionally-from-someone/ Two good articles on detachment with love. It is a very good tool to use that Alanon and Naranon groups highly recommend. I hope this helps. Posted: 05/29/2015 12:18 AM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again Thank you. That was helpful. I'm still struggling with cutting off all ties or showing support from afar. I guess I've proven to myself that my support from afar always turns back into a full blown relationship so I did tell him today that it's over. I hate it because it feels like I'm not supporting him but I was clear that I am exiting his life because I do love him, not because I don't. I told him I couldn't make promises on the future and I didn't want to put stipulations or time frames on anything...I am just leaving it in God's hands and in God's time if it is His will. It's killing me not to reach out to him to find out the steps he's taking for his recovery! I always knew what he was doing every second of the day unless he was using. It feels a little like that again. :-( I know I can't control him and trust me I am making HUGE steps to take care of myself. A 3 mile walk with a friend this morning (although I'm too ashamed to tell her any of this so she only knows I'm on an "eat pray love" journey), I contacted an agency to help homeless program, I am getting things taken care of that I've let go...but it's always nagging at the back of my mind and I look at FB 100 times a day to see if there are any status updates. A minute feels like an hour. Part of me wants him to know how much I miss him but I know that's not healthy either. Posted: 05/29/2015 2:59 PM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again Please Resist the urge to track his daily whatevers. It's like Picking a Scab. (A Mental Scab, if you will.) And as far as not being able to tell your friend, that's where Alanon or Nar-Anon can Support you. They will understand like no friend, family, neighbor, or co-worker ever could. There, you'll come to understand The 3 C's: You didn't Cause It, Can't Control It, & Can't Cure It. Keep us updated on how you're doing. Many of us have been there. Peace & prayers. Posted: 05/29/2015 10:51 PM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again You have discovered what many of us know to be true.....Addicts, for the most part, are great people----when they are clean and sober. That's why it hurts us so much when they are using. Addicts are almost always extremely intelligent, kind, compassionate, talented individuals. But the flip side is their destructive behavior when they are using. Recovery is possible!
Posted: 05/30/2015 6:58 AM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again palmtw, he is SUCH a great person...and I don't even KNOW the other side of him. Meaning, when he's using he just quietly disappears for LONG periods, at least a day but sometimes several days. And when he comes back, he's sorry of course, but he's still HIMSELF. I guess I expect to see, and if wish I would see, some type of strung out, gross person. There is a part of me that wishes I could see the side of him that is so out of control and actling like a coked out lunitic. At least then it would be more real. Right now it feels like a movie or something. I don't know if that makes sense. I always had an image in my head of what an addict looks and acts like. He doesn't fit even ONE of those things. He's healthy looking and his mind is so sharp and he's so loving and caring.
Posted: 05/30/2015 1:15 PM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again That all may seem true...for Now. But remember, Addiction is Chronic & Progressive: Meaning it only gets worse. Even if they stop for a time, when they pick back up again, they're not in the same spot as where they stopped. They are further Down. You can't Love him out of it. And you can't Want Recovery More for him than He Wants It for Himself. Posted: 05/30/2015 4:17 PM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again Sorry this comes out all mashed together. It wasn't copied that way. 20 Questions: Is Nar-Anon For Me? These 20 questions allow us to evaluate ourselves to see if Nar-Anon might be right for us. Ask yourself the following questions and then answer them as honestly as you can. 1. Do you find yourself making excuses, lying or covering up for someone? 2. Do you have a reason not to trust this person? 3. Is it becoming difficult for you to believe his/her explanations? 4. Do you lie awake worrying about this person? 5. If it is your child, is he/she missing school, often without your knowledge? 6. If it is your spouse, is he/she missing work & leaving bills to pile up? 7. Are your savings mysteriously disappearing? 8. Are the unanswered questions causing hostility & undermining your relationship? 9. Are you asking yourself, "What’s wrong?" & "Is it my fault?" 10. Are normal family disagreements becoming hostile & violent? 11. Are your suspicions turning you into a detective & are you afraid of what you may find? 12. Are you canceling your social functions with vague excuses? 13. Are you becoming increasingly reluctant to invite friends to your home? 14. Is concern for this person causing you headaches, a knotty stomach & extreme anxiety? 15. Do minute matters easily irritate this person? Does your whole life seem like a nightmare? 16. Are you unable to discuss the situation with friends & relatives because of embarrassment? 17. Are you frustrated by ineffective attempts to control the situation? 18. Do you overcompensate & try not to make waves? 19. Do you keep trying to make things better & nothing helps? 20. Are the life style & friends of this person changing? Do you ever think they may be using drugs?
If you have answered “Yes” to 4 or more of these questions, Nar-Anon may be able to give you the answers you are looking for. Posted: 05/30/2015 4:17 PM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again I said yes to 7. :-/ I'm sure the only reason a lot of them didn't fit is because we're only dating. We had a few cordial exchanges today. I made sure not to talk about "daily living" things. It seemed innocent at first when I did that before but it quickly turned into falling back into being together emotionally. I'm taking care of myself physically (eating healthily and exercising) and emotionally/mentally I'm leaning on God more than I ever have in my life. Morning devotions and prayer and just staying in prayer throughout the day. God has been placing recovering addicts in my path, if I told you the stories of the "coincidences" it's almost too hard to believe. But even they are telling me he's not in a place to really love me. God is so good! And all of you are angels for helping like you do! Thank you! Posted: 05/31/2015 3:07 AM
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In Response to: Dead, Arrested or using again It took me a long time, and here is how I survived the 'not knowing': I stopped taking he calls, stopped responding to her texts, stopped tracking/tracing her phone, stopped literally and figuratively following her around, stopped going on fb for a while and unfriended her. I finally figured out that there was absolutely nothing that I could do to get her to stop using, or to keep her from killing herself. the only thing I could do was/is to move on. So I do move on. It is sad, but not as devastatingly sad as it used to be. It is no longer immobilizing. I have learned to stay away from her physically, and to hang up on her, if by chance I am on the phone with her and she is becoming abusive. That is all I can do and it does help. I am the focus of my life I own my life. I can spend it chasing after her, or I can let her go and spend my life doing and thinking about something else. I put her in a box in my heart and I leave her there. Posted: 06/01/2015 10:46 PM
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