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Son blames me for addiction
My son has been an addict for about 8 years. He has a beautiful little girl, recently got a good job and my brother was giving him a place to live. As a mother, I can see no reason for him to think he "has it bad". However, my brother found him passed out in the bathroom in a puddle of his own vomit after shooting heroine. When I tried to talk to him, not placing any blame or being condescending, just trying to understand, he tells me that because I had several boyfriends (5 total), in his 25 years, that there was no stability and that it's all my fault he does this. Do all addicts blame the person that has always been there and done the most to help them? This is breaking my heart that he thinks I am to blame. Posted: 10/10/2015 8:08 AM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction Yes: Blame, Con, Manipulation are all "survival skills" that Addicts are good at & have to be in order to keep up their Addiction. Glad you found us. This is a very supportive group. As it is the weekend, wait a bit & more people will be around to post. Peace & prayers. Posted: 10/10/2015 11:12 AM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction My son (28) has been blaming others for 10 years..especially me. He used to spread the blame around but one by one everyone else just stopped listening or responding to the rants & accusations. That left me and I felt like I was the only one he had left so as his mother, I HAD to listen, had to respond. This decision has taken me on a one-way hell trip for 10 years. At times, I would gather some strength and cut him off but his resolve to get to me was stronger than my resolve not to let him. My enabling did not change one thing for the better, in fact it has made things all the worse. As mothers we become hostages and many days I have felt like I was in a box with no way out. Keep coming here and read up on addiction and families..participate in Nar-Anon. Don't try to do it alone! It is not your fault..you didn't cause it and you can't cure it... Posted: 10/10/2015 12:34 PM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction I highly recommend what I'm reading now.., "Still Standing After All the Tears: Putting Back the Pieces After All Hell Breaks Loose" http://amzn.to/1GcEbFn. Valerie Silveira and check out her Facebook page: Addict's Family It's been an amazing help to me Posted: 10/10/2015 12:37 PM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction Thank you both so mich. I'm am so thankful to have found this support group and I will definitely check out the book you have recommended.! Posted: 10/11/2015 6:41 AM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction You are in the right place. Keep asking, keep posting, keep in touch. Posted: 10/11/2015 7:51 PM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction Thank you, Anna. From the addicts perspective, what do I do as a parent and the only family he has? I will not give him money and will no longer pay any of his bills for him. But do I cut all contact? I am so at a loss right now. Posted: 10/12/2015 5:45 AM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction The problem I have found myself in is that my son treats any little kindness as a huge opportunity to elicit more & more. I have had to cut him off completely (even contact) at times because he only contacted for money or unreasonable favors (pick me up from drug hotel at 2 in the morning) or he was high and wanted to pick a fight wherein he blamed me for his life choices and wanted to explain to me why I should support him forever..lately, he calls or messages to berate his siblings & other family members (they're all "stupid" and "inferior" but we "picked" them over him). So I live in this limbo of wondering how I still show love, support and hope with all this kind of history. He called me just yesterday after we have cut him off yet again, crying, saying his father & I are all he knows & has and can't he still be part of our family? I was devastated..he is in a lot of pain..I told him if he goes into treatment and means it this time..sticks with it and the follow up care..we will of course see him..but he has caused so much damage over these past 10 years..and up til now he believes everyone owes HIM amends..his siblings have cut him off & I don't know what will happen there...but see, I'm getting ahead of myself again..he has not gone into treatment yet or followed through..one day at a time and today is not yet the day to worry about this scenario that hasn't happened yet! Posted: 10/12/2015 8:03 AM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction This worked for me...........I took my son to lunch at a mall with a food court ,I brought him some brochures from NA.......I told him, "I want to give you these brochures, I want you to know that there is help and it is free. I will not mention this again during this lunch. What do you want for lunch?" We had a nice lunch after that. He did not choose recovery, but it opened the door for us to have further discussions about many things. Posted: 10/12/2015 8:34 PM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction It is now Tuesday mid morning and I have not heard from my son since saturday early morning. I am torn between texting him to see if he is ok and waiting for him to let me know he is still alive. In the past, when I have broken down and reached out to him, he saw this as my giving in (and I was) and his way to get to me and make me feel bad and feel sorry for him. I am prying for the strength to stand strong and not let his actions and decisions make me feel sorry for him. Posted: 10/13/2015 8:54 AM
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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction 8 Years, huh? It is such a Huge Relief when we Stop Letting an adult Child Addict Highjack Our Life! Beautiful little girl, you say? Hmm. How is she shielded from all this? Children of Addicts can become hopeless co-dependents (losing their childhood- thinking they must "take care:" of Mommy or Daddy), become Addicts, or become angry & resentful that the Addict in the family gets all the attention. Resist the urge to call, text, smoke signal, etc. It is like Picking a Mental Scab. Peace & prayers. Posted: 10/13/2015 12:13 PM
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In Response to: Son blames me for addiction I could've written your post a few years ago. Here is what I did: I texted my daughter and told her that I loved her and would give her a ride to rehab. She was allowed to call me if she needed that ride. She would text back, complaining, asking for money, berating her siblings, etc. I ignored the texts. I had to give up. Not give up hope, but give up trying to communicate in a rational way with the disease of addiction. I had to give up attempting to control addiction. It cannot be done from the outside, by someone else, no matter how much you love the person who has addiction. Once I gave up fighting with addiction, I was free to look at myself. Conversely, once I started focusing on myself instead of my AD, I was free of my constant arguing with addiction. I had to establish my boundaries: be it lunch, with sharing of NA brochures, or refusal to consider any request for money/rides, changing the subject or hanging up when AD demeaned her sibs, to only reading texts from AD that were of a positive nature. It hurt when I finally saw how I had been manipulated, used, disrespected, and abandoned by this disease. However, I learned that the daughter I used to have had been consumed, obliterated, by this disease. She wasnt there. In this truth, I gave up looking for her. I kept waiting and hoping, and working on myself. I held hands with other parents of addicts; they held my hand, and continue to do so. I learned that I was not alone, and neither are you. Posted: 10/25/2015 3:28 PM
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