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SOBER COACH
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how to say goodbye?

After 2 years on/off with an alcoholic, who has progressed to other things, i feel it is best to say goodbye...for good. may not be forever, but as long as he is using, it is best for now. i have tried to get him to stop. i have pleaded, cried, gotten angry, prayed, moved out, moved back in, moved out, made myself distant, supported him when he was trying.......all the things someone does who loves the addict and is desperate for the addiction to end. i am tired. exhausted. i have nothing left. my question is how do i say "goodbye" without burning bridges forever? i do not want him out of my life completely. i do not want to see him on the street and not be able to say hello. i do not want to be enemies. i just do not want to continue on like this. i do not want to see him self-destruct to the end. i do not want to completely lose me. i am sad for this, but it is time. it must be done. i want to terminate it all...with love. i want him to know i cannot continue on like this anymore. i want him to know there may be a chance again someday if he is clean and working on staying clean. i want him to know how much i love him. but i do not want to say the wrong things or give him anything to come back on me with. i need closure......with love. anyone have any suggestions? i am not good at goodbyes, especially when i am saying goodbye to my soul mate because i have to. please help.

Posted: 02/08/2011 8:01 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

sherry,

I have started my response multiple times already and I'm still at a loss as to what to say. I know you need closure but I think you may not be able to get it from him. If you call him and tell him I love you I hope you get well and maybe someday things will be better I'm afraid his response is not what you want to hear and then you again won't have closure. If you write a note and don't hear back you won't have closure. If you text and get no resposne or a heated one still no closure. You have to choose one do it and that will be the end. Otherwise it is just running around the circle again. Hope this helps and makes a little sense. I struggled with this one too.

Posted: 02/08/2011 8:31 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

i don't think face to face will go well. i am too emotional and even if i maintain control, my feelings will still show. i will cry. i do not want him to see that. he has had enough of my tears already. a "Dear John" letter? his name is john! seriously, i still struggle with what i would say without making it worse. and any response will probably be hurtful. i feel this is more important than a text message. texts can be taken wrong and is so impersonal. he tends to be nasty in his texts and i do not want to hear it anymore. so i am in a jam here. he invited me out to dinner saturday for valentine's day (by text) and asked me to wear the pandora bracelet he got me last year. i do not wear it anymore. it had so much meaning and seeing it makes me sad. he says he may have something to add to it. after all that has happened, he lives in this fairy tale world, thinking dinner and a charm for my bracelet is what i need. i accepted the dinner, but i do not think i can deal with more salt in my wounds. more false promises. false hopes. i would so much love for him to show up at my door out of the blue, telling me he is done with his addictions and will do whatever it takes to get better. and mean it. and do it!!! have heard it before. it didn't happen. i was baited back in only to be spit out over and over. each time, worse than before. so, here i am at the point, where i need to go on. i need to move forward. as much as i hate the idea of he and i not seeing each other, this is what i must do. for me. maybe right now i am too emotional and should put it on hold. maybe now is not the time to do anything. maybe right now nothing said is best.

Posted: 02/08/2011 9:34 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

I think nothing said now is best and that probably includes doing the dinner. He has been mean and hurtful to you and he probably is just baiting you back in to say to himself see I'm not a bad person look I'm nice I brought her to dinner and gave her a present. You know better that right now he is not nice. Don't let nim pour the salt again. But it is your choice.

Posted: 02/08/2011 9:39 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

basically, i feel like saying "i can't do this anymore. i love you. i wish you the best always. get help and there may be a chance for us again someday. i let you go.  i love you. take care."  this is so hard.

Posted: 02/08/2011 10:21 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

I think that is a good thing to say. I know it is very hard.

 

(HUGS))

Posted: 02/08/2011 11:09 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

thank you, JW, for the boost......i am going to think and pray on it a bit before i put it out there.

Posted: 02/08/2011 11:17 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

okay.......the thinking and praying did not last long. i put it out there. exactly what i said above, in text. his response (in less than a minute): "Wow, ok." went better than expected. yet, i am waiting for the bomb to drop when it actually sinks in to him. or when he is under the influence of something or someone. or maybe he feels the same way. who knows? i did it. i am in shock. i am numb. but i did it.

Posted: 02/08/2011 12:47 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

i am just not going to be fighting with or competing with his addiction anymore...........either way, i lose.

Posted: 02/08/2011 12:58 PM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

Remember though this was your closure so no matter what he says or does to try and hurt you you are done.

(((HUGS)))

Posted: 02/08/2011 1:00 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

yes. now i grieve the end of the relationship. i grieve the end of being with the man i am in-love with.  i let go. now i let God take me in his arms. i will be okay.

Posted: 02/08/2011 1:11 PM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

Yes you will be. I know you think you  loose either way but you hurt either way too. It's better to be on your own than to be with him hurting you. Now put those pink heels on!

Posted: 02/08/2011 1:17 PM

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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

I am so proud of you Sherry.  It hurts I know Sherry, but it hurts even more when they hurt you.  Like I said I have been there and done that and look at me now.  I kept going back everytime he was sober for one second.  I went throught the craziness and I am so sad that he passed away.  But I am at peace and I do pray that he has peace now also.  He was a great man when I met him and was great for 5 years but then he became someone I did not know.  I have suffered also through all of it.  The night he died he called me and was drunk and stoned.  I said call me when you are sober.  Should I have gone over and made sure he was ok? I have gone over and over in my mind what if, I had of?  Maybe he would not have died.  But I had made it completely clear to him, I would talk anytime or help if he needed it in a positive way.  I don't want to know anymore what happened.  It does not matter anymore.  I just know that I have to go on now and be happy and I should of done it along time ago.  Be at peace Sherry please.  God wanted us to have peace remember that.  Hugs Brenda, so put on those pink heels and go out and have fun and then come back on here and tells us what you did.  Hugs Brenda

Posted: 02/08/2011 1:33 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

Hello, Brenda! i am so glad to hear from you. i was thinking of you today and was going to reach out to you later. as i read your words "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac plays. probably not the best song at the moment, but i will go with it. i need to let my emotions flow or i will pop like an untightened lid on a pressure cooker! yes, it hurts. more than one can imagine, unless one had been there, done that. after 20 years of living in my mother's addiction, i one day knew it was enough and walked away and did not look back. it did not affect me to the degree this has. maybe because it was only 2 years of trauma, compared to 20 plus with my mother (we never bonded, even as child), so i had not as much time to be as fed up. maybe it is because i am in-love with john. who knows? although i feel this is best, it is probably the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. i am angry at God for allowing me to fall in-love, only to have it yanked away, but i still have faith this has happened so i can grow and so better things can open up for me. i believe God has been speaking to me, but i had not been listening, so he cranked it up a few notches to get me to see he has something better planned for me. i could sit here all night and think of why, but only He knows. i can be stubborn and sometimes it takes a hard slap in the face for me to get it. i used to think john was put into my life to help me heal from the trauma of alcoholism with my mother  and teach me to be compassionate toward her and a man i used to date, that i would not give another chance. he, a couple years later, died, and i regret never even letting him have a chance. so here came john. i thought he was put into my life to help me and that i could help him. i hope someday down the road all this will make sense, but for now it does not. maybe i should just stop trying to figure it out, let it go, enjoy the journey i have ahead of me. if it is meant to be (john and me), it will be. put on those pink heels and keep on walking! i made a boo boo though......most women get the outfit and buy the shoes. me? no! i get the shoes and have no outfit!!! so, there's my plan to make myself feel better.......go get an outfit!! when i went out sunday, in my harley boots with 4' heels and a mini skirt , i turned heads and that felt so good. was nice to be "free" to be me. i did not go all out when with john.......because we never went anywhere that "allowed" me to dress up like the woman i am. i was too busy anyway dealing with it all to even want to dress up. i look forward to being a full blooded, estrogen filled female, and all that goes with that! so, i will get the outfit, put on those heels, and embrace my femininity full throttle! will keep you posted. ;)

Posted: 02/08/2011 2:15 PM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

Look out world Sherry is on the loose!!!!

Posted: 02/08/2011 3:15 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

kinda like kellie pickler with the red high heels.......now that song makes sense to me! lol

Posted: 02/08/2011 3:17 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

was strong and confident in my decision earlier. still feel i made the decision i had to make. don't like it. i don't like the choices i had in this situation. stay and go down with him, stay and watch him destroy what is left of himself, say goodbye and wonder how he is. what could have been. my mind is still strong. my heart breaks. again. how many times can a heart break and still be beating?

Posted: 02/08/2011 10:24 PM

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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

You did what was right and stop beating yourself up.  Since my husband died I have had such peace in my life.  I still have lots to do to clean up the mess he left me but I know now that I can actually go on in life.  I am sure that god gave me him for a lesson I was to learn.  Not sure what it is yet.  I am thankful that I had him for 9 years but not thankful for all the pain I went through.  You are strong and I am so proud of you Sherry.  Any time you want to talk I am here for you.  Hugs Brenda

It will get easier Sherry and like you I had not been out for dinner or movie or anywhere in 2 years and I am looking forward to going out with the girls for supper on Friday.  Love Brenda

 

Posted: 02/09/2011 7:04 AM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

ever since i said my goodbye i have not heard from him. i try not to wonder why, i try not to feel like he just does not care. i have no idea how he took it. if it even mattered to him at all. i can't. it is done. i have been keeping busy, so i am not left with so much time to grow weak. i still hope he will show up at the door, professing his love for me and his desire to want to fight his addiction. however, i do not sit here waiting. my love has not stopped. ever.

Posted: 02/09/2011 10:42 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: how to say goodbye?

Once again, you sound just like me.  Looking to see if he has e-mailed me, every time the phone rings hoping that it's him, praying that he will show up at my door once again wanting this time to change.  Slowly but surely you will come to accept that the decision you made was the right one and he may not ever come back.  Trust that God will always due what's right and He has a plan for you!  His plan does not include suffering or mental anguish. 

Let go and let God, trust in His plan for your life.  If it is God's will, you will be together. 

Posted: 02/10/2011 10:43 AM

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