Creative Corner

The Monkey On My Back

Most people have heard the term “monkey on my back” used as a way to describe addiction. Personally, I find the word “addiction” too soft a word to describe the monster every addict or alcoholic battles in daily life. It’s too clinical, too sterile, and just doesn’t pack the same punch as the monkey analogy.

As a hardcore alcoholic for more than half my life, I learned a few things about the monkey. First, he never knows when to keep his mouth shut. It’s not that he’s loud. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The monkey prefers to whisper, at least during the early stages of addiction. Day in, day out, he whispers in the addict’s ear, reminding the addict that it’s time to party. He whispers because he doesn’t want others to hear him. “They don’t understand you the way I do”, he whispers. “I’m your only true friend. It’s you and me, brother. Besides, it’s nobody’s business but our own.”

The monkey is also persistent. He never, ever leaves the addict’s side. He’s always there to remind the addict that one drink or one puff never hurt anyone. Sure, he makes himself a little scarce when trouble arrives, but he’s always watching from behind the scenes while the addict works things out. The monkey never leaves for long because he can’t survive without the addict, although he never confesses the truth. Instead, he turns the tables, convincing his victim that he or she cannot live without him. The monkey is a cunning little devil.

For many years, I believed every word the monkey ever spoke. We’d been through good and bad times together, shared countless late night conversations, and he’d always understood me when no one else did. Or, so I thought. It wasn’t until I tried to part ways with the monkey that things started to get ugly. He didn’t like the idea. I tried to explain that my life was falling apart and something had to change. He just smiled and assured me everything would be okay, as long as we had each other. I protested, reminding him that things were far from okay. Exhaustion and alcohol were killing me, just as they had done to my sister, a favorite uncle, and two best friends. I let the monkey know he was getting pretty tiresome, too, and confided my plans to end our friendship.

But the monkey is also relentless. When I told the monkey about my plans to quit drinking, he became silent. Well, at least until I stopped drinking for a few days. Then he wrapped both legs around my back, tightened his grip around my neck, and started screaming in my ear. He had no intention of leaving. He’d grown larger and more powerful over the years and there was no shaking him off, no matter how hard I tried. The more I fought, the tighter he held on. I was beginning to hate the monkey. Worse, he scared me to death. I spent the next three months trying to shake him off before entering rehab. The monkey decided to go with me and the battle of my life would soon begin.

The monkey is just a mental image, of course. The term is simply used to paint a picture of addiction, as seen through the addict’s eyes. But the energy that drives every addict to abuse alcohol or drugs, even after they want to quit, is both very real and extremely powerful. 

Dan Farish

Author - 3 Steps To Recovery

www.3stepstorecovery.com

Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside. ~Author Unknown

The addict is strong, she has been feeding the addict. The addict is in control...

Just when I think I know everything, I find out I know nothing. When we feel we have stepped foward, we jump 3 steps back. When I finally think I know the truth it's all a lie. I can't think of the last night I slept without my wallet. Every morning I wake up and for a split second I am at peace until I remember the turmoil that is our life. Everytime the phone rings a knot forms in my stomach. Everytime I come home if her car is there I feel dread and if it is not I feel the same way. "Maybe this time she'll get it"  is a phrase I have thought too many times. Loving a child and at the same time hating the person she has become and knowing she may never come back to the person she should be is hard to accept. My biggest joy lately is another day she is breathing and her heart is beating, nobody understands, unless you walk in my shoes. Wondering why friends have drifted away like the addiction in your family is catching to them. When every conversation in the family seems to revolve around the addict in your life. Sometime's lonely, dramatic, heartbreaking. One day at a time.That is my life.....Maybe this time she'll get it.....

Im a wife of an alcoholic. He is drinking an excess of 18-24 beer / day. He has admitted to being an alcolholic and is ready for treatment. We have some of the best treatment facilities around. I am anxious and eager to get him the help he is finally asking for. Unfortunately, we do not have the finacial means to send him for the help he needs. The clinics will not take him just on doctor recommendations alone. I have talked to my family and because of the way he has been with all of them they will not help out. Does anyone care enough to forget and forgive and  help me out...

I am a proud women, and do not ask for help often. If there is anyone out there who can lend a helping hand with a financial donation, it would be most welcome and appreciated. Its hard enough to ask for help but it is even harder when the answers are always no... please contact me privately for information on how to make a donation to my husband. Thanks God bless and my prayers are with you all.  littlefoot_32f@hotmail.com

When my daughter was a baby before she was crawling, one day I was upstairs with her, that day she inched her way to the stairs. Before I could run to her she started rolling sideways down, step by step. I was reaching for her an inch away in slow motion the whole way down. She was fine, thank GOD and I was their at the bottom to pick her up and make everything better..... I feel the same way now, my daughter is slowly rolling down the stairs, with me an inch away. This time though, I may not be able to make it better when she gets to the bottom.

 Being lied to makes you feel like you arnt worth the truth 

I am doing well and I have started taking short walks. When I overdosed I had severe muscle and tissue wasting and I have to build the muscle back up in my body. It is very painful but I am determined.

Of course I am still thinking about what has happened in my life with the addictions and my f--d up behavior and thoughts. I am getting clearer everyday. I will never go back.

The person that was a part of my meth addiction was thrown out of a second story apartment and may not live. Her boyfriend was dealing and was getting more dangerous by the day. He beat her and had recently gotten a gun. Although she was not a positive influence and really not a friend I can not help feeling sad.

People, meth changes you. It definitely causes extreme anger and aggression. You may suspect it and in the back of your mind know that you are changing but ignore it or just use more to make it go away. It is not going to go away.

Get some distance between yourself and the enablers in your life. They are either unaware of what they are really doing to your life or they just do not give one damn. See it for yourself by givng yourself a break in this life while you still have one.

Sincerely, searchin aka Pebbles

Wasted?  So is your life.

Shoot for the stars not your arms.

Do dope, lose hope.

Don't waste your life being wasted.

19 Years ago this weekend my first born daughter was born on Mother's Day. A happy day with many dreamsof my daughther's future. The hand written notes and hand prints I still have and treasure. This Mother's Day don't say you love me, say you love youself. Don't buy me a gift that I have to hide or you may steal it. Don't buy me a card with words you don't mean. What I really want for Mother's Day is for you to say "I want to live!" That is all I want and if you don't know that, you don't know me.

Rain down mercy,

for the lost and lonely child

for the liar's and the loser's

the restless and the wild

There's no more use in pretendin'

I know I could never fool you

The deepest, darkness I've ever known...

Comes from living like I do.

But I swear I'm gonna knock on that gate

even if it's all in vain.

I'll stand outside with my mouth wide open and

drink the pouring rain.

I know there's some good left in this world...

I've seen it shine in your eyes

Rain down salvation and keep my faith alive.

The harder we fall, the closer we come

to finding our hearts and the damage we've done

Darlin' I've held the devil's dirty hand,

but holding you now, I know, is heaven's last attempt.

Won't you walk beside me? You know I can't make it alone

The fields are dark and the wind is hard, hard as stone.

Roll out the sky...O' let me come home. Come home.

I wanna come home....

 The harder we fall the closer we come

to finding that light and the warmth of the sun

All that I've ever had I let slip through my hands but

holding you now I know...

this is heaven's last attempt.  --Jude Cole__