Creative Corner

Sometimes I read something you have said and it inspires me to write about something in my own life.

What will I allow in my life right now? Today.

What won't I allow? Today.

I will no longer allow someone into my life under the guise of friendship that has only their own gain in mind. I will not allow my husband to put his hands on me ever again. The consequences would be great. I will not allow myself to indulge in drugs.

I will allow emotions to evolve and grow to a healthy level. I will allow love into my life. I will allow myself to begin accepting myself and will not be afraid to expose some of my fragile self-esteem.

I could go on but I think you get the drift and well, I am becoming emotional so...

Sincerely, searchin

When I get weak, as I do so often. I think about the following...

My dear daughter, you said you hate me, you call me the c word. then leave me your tickets to pay.

The house is calm and nothing gets "borrowed" yet you say it is our fault and we are not nice to you.

I read letters from your boyfriend and realize it will get worse when he gets out of jail

I search your room and find another syringe hidden my weakness ends, 

When you call me crying, I now can hang up the phone.

I picture the cops breaking down your bedroom door to remove you from the house, all while you are cursing them out.

I think about my other two kids and my health. My husbands heart. We know what hell is like, hell is living with a heroin addict.

I will be a rock to help you if you help yourself but i will be a rock if I have to keep you away from us.

An ADDICT and an ALCOHOLIC alone together or just simply alone is bad company.....

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Let Me Fall All By Myself

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my *** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion

I feel it's time to repost some of my favorites...

Fear not for I who was will be again,

and when time provides the guide,

I will spring forth with deadly aim,

And bring tumbling down Satans Guise,

I will leave him broke and damaged,

I will stand victorious once more.

I will give you voice to reason,

I will give you talent to praise,

I will remove the blinders of season,

And bring forth a bright new day.

I give you my solemn promise,

This time is close at hand,

Believe in my power inside you,

And the power of belief will be your guide for all of time.

Listen to the visions I give you.

Believe in yourself & you believe in me. Help others & do as best you can... You will overcome any adversity just believe in the power that you have locked inside you by sin and hate and fear... Let go of worldly wants & desires & pray for a view of the world the way you choose... The end is near, how will you choose to be remembered...

 take off the blinders! turn off Mtv! Wake up! Wake up to your demonic disease! your superstars fooled you! corporations schooled you! politics don't give a damn! and your friends are bamboozled! 

wake up to see what others can! wake up to be what none understand! wake up and touch what they think they can't grab! wake up the world!

I have lost the path.

I have come to a dead end.

It's either the good or the bad.

 Sobriety or Wickedness. 

 Because I feel wicked.  This is a never ceasing cycle that doesn't seem to want to end.

 Do I want IT?                       Yeah, I want it!

 Will I get IT?                         I am unsure now.         

 I may be past the point.  I may be a helpless cause. I feel like a LOSER.  I want to be right...and normal.  Will this ever occur?

This is the end result and the feelings of a almost hopeless, desperate methamphetamine addict.  To think that I once had trouble even spelling that word.  I never thought it would become my cheating, soul-diminishing lover.  I never thought I would ever do the dance with TINA.

Bring it on Will    : )