Creative Corner

i would like to promote awareness of mental health issues that often have symptoms such as drug abuse that go hand in hand.. the 12 steps are a way for some... for me ...no i could only achieve reality through what i could get away with..... that is the cold hard truth... so instead of accepting that i was powerless,,,i chose to dig deeper and with more determination,,, to demand at the highest level of my spiritual kingdom... what the hell is really going on down here on earth,,, why did i choose this drug that made me feel alive.... i guess addiction was in my life to understand it once and for all.... well i cant promote to those wishing to turn it all over to god and do nothing but chant 12 step conditions to newcomers.... and believe me ,,,, my parents put me in a 30 day rehab before i ever even did drugs,   it was the in thing to do back in 1980,  i can try to share awareness by having the latest in brain research ,,, log on to the brain research foundation,, and learn the latest discoveries that will give you answers based on scientific studies,,,,and remember this there is no health without mental health...simple as that,,, your mind is your matter

C's Addiction

She surfaces

occasionally,

as a drowned body

floats

to the river's surface,

stares glassy eyed

and eddys away.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes
on inside people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves'
inside us all..

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness,
benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
 

Author unknown

I despise the Beloved and pray for its demise.

The Beloved is a liar and wants us to die. It manipulates us into the pit of despair.

The Beloved seduced my beautiful children into the pit of despair-- they call to me to join them there.

The Beloved is a liar, liar, liar.

I will despise the Beloved until the day I die.

A lonely soul searching, longing for kindness, love and a sense of peace,

Feeling trapped by hurt, sorrow and pain, begging and pleading to be released.

In the midst of broken glass I begin to bleed,

Please Lord, save me, I’m begging, I’m on my knees.

How strong are you today can you take what I got,

Is your heart and soul pure? You only get one shot.

Can you believe in me? Give yourself to me that is a must!

Clear your heart and open your soul, and allow yourself to trust.

Life is hard, and sometimes it hurts,

But to end it all before its time, is completely absurd!

            You can’t go like this it’s not the way,

Have faith in me and I’ll show you the way.

            The world is full of lies and so much despair,

My heart and soul are damaged and beyond repair.

            Take my hand and show me the way,

Help me to make it through this for one more day.

            I put it all in your hands and pray its true,

If I believe and have faith, when the time is right, I will be walking hand and hand with you.

The crack of your whip right across my face.

Sets my skull on fire

But your brute force won't hold me for long.

Your insensitive might

can only add fuel to my fire

My spirit grows stronger

while you fade away.

How I have listened to your lies

wanting to believe in your false truth

The damage that they've done

You looked at me and said that I knew

Even once might bring me around

While you struggle with what you've found

Don't ever tear me apart. This is one dance I can't do

Kristie,

     I am writing you this letter to tell you that I am absolutely sorry for causing our marriage to be destroyed. You are a wonderful person and I have hurt you and the rest of our family in ways that I can never make up for. The squandered finances, the loss of quality time together, the arguments, and being forced to live with a shell of a man for so long, all for my drug addiction. I have such misery in my soul when I look back at what I have done. If it were possible, I would erase everything that happened and me along with it.

    If you can be consoled by anything, know that I am actively seeking help for my addiction. Know that I am enduring well-deserved pain for the pain I have caused. Know that I want to stop using drugs. I want to stop using people. I want to love people again, not have this blackness inside me that leeches the life out of every part of my body and mind. I greatly appreciate the help that you offered before. I now see what you saw over a year ago and I do not like it at all.

    I may be beyond loving but please don't hate me unless that is the only way you can reconcile your feelings over what I have done. I will always love you, I am learning that over each day.

                                      - Charles

  There once was an old sheep, (actually she was middle aged), well, her and her mate settled in mid Missouri where she gave birth to four beautiful lambs. The father sheep wasn't perfect (no sheep are) but he and his mate tried to raise their lambs as best as they could.  Sometimes they made mistakes, and sometimes both the Mother sheep and the Father sheep got so busy working in their pasture that they neglected to watch their lambs closely.  The Mother and Fathers' sheep's never showed much rebellion when they were young, ----although they sometimes moved away from the place where the other sheep worshipped their Creator. 

   One day, the father sheep and his mate watched as one of the lambs left the fold.  It was hard to see him go, but the parents were proud of his courage in going to another pasture (in pursuit of a sheepskin.)  and they determined to help him on the journey He moved into a group of other sheep that baa-ed with an odd dialect.  These other sheep apparently knew or cared little about the Creator that the Father  and Mother sheep worshipped.

  Sometime later, the mother sheep saw her precious lamb on a high cliff, about to jump into a valley of very bad black sheep.  It was a valley that could be filled with flowers and the finest of music and majestic poetry.  But the lamb was not planning to jump in that direction.  He was about to leap into a different part of the valley, into an abyss that must have looked beautiful from where he stood on the ledge, but the mother could see the rocks and pain and conflict and loneliness in the rugged valley below.

  When the Mother sheep saw the danger, she was concerned for her lambs safety.  She cried out to her lamb, "Don't do it! Don't jump!" Her voice got louder, "For Gods sakes don't do it!" 

  At first she had considered not shouting. She wasn't sure that her voice could be heard from so far away, and she knew that her lamb was smart enough to think before he leapt.  But she also knew that all sheep have unclear thinking when there is peer pressure involved.

  The Mother sheep wondered if she would alienate her little lamb and make him angry if she expressed herself so openly.  That, she concluded, was a risk she would have to take.  Who would not call out a warning to a creature in grave danger, especially when she loved the creature so much?  The Mother sheep knew the Creator loved the lamb even more and would be sad about the leap.  The Creator has told us not to be unequally yoked with lambs who do not worship the Creator.  He warned us for our protection, because he wants us to experience ultimate joy. 

  As the Mother sheep watched her lamb, she felt that her lamb seemed unconcerned or perhaps unaware, of the dangerous plunge that he was soon to take. 

  So the Mother sheep lay down on the grass in her pasture and began to wonder why her lamb was even on the cliff.

  Had the black sheep-- the one who is the father of lies and the enemy of the Creator--so twisted the thinking of the lamb that he had become insensitive to the Creator's tugs?  True, he had not been in close contact with the Creator or his followers, and had chosen instead, to surround himself with those who are in bondage to the black sheep.  Had he become too involved with the lambs in the black sheep's fold?  Surely the lamb on the cliff knew that the Creator always forgives, freely.  Surely he knew that no sheep, absolutely no sheep, is too far away to come back.  Even the Lamb Of God once told a story about going out to rescue, and to welcome back a sheep that had lost its way. 

  The lamb on the cliff certainly knew that one wrong action or unwise decision can never be corrected by another wrong behavior or a faulty decision.  It is far better to back out--at least for a while than to go ahead with a life altering choice made perhaps of guilt, sympathy, or because friends are pushing him to do as they do.  The ewe lamb knew another sheep who had not backed out and had lived instead with years of intense pain and misery. 

  Maybe the lamb felt trapped on the cliff, afraid to back away lest the other sheep become critical. But didn't he know that the Creator always gives courage to enable us to do what we know in our hearts is right?  And didn't he know that there were other sheep, even in his pasture who knew the Creator and who would give him the help and guidance that he might need? 

  The Mother sheep wondered if the lamb had considered that he was entering a new family---a family in which he would live for the rest of his life.  It would be a family with values, attitudes, and ways of thinking that would determine, in large measure, how he would live from the leap time on and raise his young lambs.  His new family would influence whether he would be treated with respect and honor, whether he could freely worship and serve his Creator, whether he would experience arguments in place of sincere mutual attempts to work out differences, whether he would be shown kindness and dignity.  Would the new family provide for his physical, financial, medical, and spiritual needs.  Was the new family the best that he would want for his life and his future lambs.  Surely he knew what the Mother sheep had said so often: The best prediction for the future behavior is past behavior.  What he had known about his potential friends behavior in the past, he would know in the future. 

  The Mother sheep's heart ached as she thought about the countless times that she had prayed for her lamb to find friends who honored the Creator and would treat him with respect. 

  As the Mother sheep lay in the grass, she wondered what she could do. Her lamb had the freedom to make his own choices, so the Mother sheep and her mate decided that nothing would be gained by rushing across the water up to the cliff in an attempted rescue operation.  That would only anger the lamb,  and rightly so. 

  But the Mother sheep could do three things.  First, she could pray to the Creator and ask others to pray too.  She and the father sheep did not spread the news all over the pasture, but they asked a small group of other sheep to pray fervently that the lamb's eyes would be opened, that he would not be deceived by the black sheep, and that the Creator would give him the courage and the wisdom to make the right decision. In a distant pasture, perhaps the most fervent prayers were coming from the lamb's grandmother ewe.  Second, the Mother decided to write a letter telling the lamb about her true feelings, assuring him of her love, (even if he leaps off the cliff), and asking if it would help if he came back to his parents pasture  for a while. Mother sheep knew that time away often helps sheep to get things into perspective.

  Third, the Mother sheep could tell her lamb that she still was committed to helping with his well being.  The leap would not be the only, and certainly it would not be the best way, to find a shelter and make ends meet. Of course, if the lamb decided to leap, the primary responsibility for his future would rest in the hands of his new family.

   The Mother sheep was deeply saddened because her lamb was about to enter a lifelong relationship with a sheep who did not know and worship the Creator---who is known to many as The Lamb Of God. 

  The mother sheep had noticed that when she was trying to rescue her lambs from bad things, the black sheep always creates distress and difficulties.  Was all this part of the black sheep's doing?  Perhaps. But the Mother and Father decided to go on serving the Creator and trusting that the Creator, who is sovereign over all the world's pastures and far more powerful than the black sheep, would intervene in the life of the lamb on the ledge. 

  So the Mother sheep watched the darkness fall.  Again she committed her lamb to the Creator's tender care and asked that he would be kept in his special love while the days passed.  And the Mother sheep and the Father sheep walked slowly out of the field where they lived and went back to their pasture. They continue to worship and pray to the Lamb Of God, and to God Our Father.   The End

I hurt so bad. I mean physically. I used to tell my husband I just wanted to be numb for just a little while. To not feel any pain. So I would get high on crack and forget about it for awhile. I was on morphine for more years than I can remember.

So here I am with this pain and unable to tolerate any form of painkiller. I get stiffer and stiffer it seems. I never thought I could or would have to deal with this much pain on a day-to-day basis. It's okay though. Feeling this pain means I am alive.

And could I do more? Will I do more? Yes. At this point I will do what I can to manage without the help of prescription drugs or alcohol or crack or....

Yes, some days I welcome this pain. To be able to feel again is like the best!

I know there is only so much I can do about it (the pain). So I will reach deep down and learn a new way to cope. Do I have any ideas about how to go about doing that? Yes.

Some people will scoff and say OMG but if it works, why not? If it means getting up when the sun is rising and meditating or stretching then so be it.

I can remember a time in my life when I did not have a vehicle or friends to rely on for transportation. I was off the cocaine and very ill. The point is that I walked everywhere. I had to. And it must of been what I needed at the time of my life. It taught me not to take things for granted and it made me see things I might otherwise not have noticed. If I really wanted something or if something meant enough to me to go after it, I had to walk.

Try walking five miles just so you can see and be with your kids. What I am talking about is determination. What am I determined to do?

I will feel the pain and stay off the drugs because there is a better day coming.

searchin

An addict. To use is to die. Isn't it ironic that we pay someone to supply us with the very thing that could end our life? And in a manner of speaking, an addict's life does end while he is using.

Paralyzed with anxiety and it's hard to breathe. An almost overwhelming sadness. If it were not for the thread I hold on by...

Beginnings of a realization of just how awry my life has gone. From that first detour when all was pushed aside for an addiction I was never meant to meet.

Have you forgotten how deeply I feel? The intensity of which is all but surreal. Your happenstance words that shred my ever dwindling self-esteem. I lie in bed shell-shocked from my dreams.

Imagine your feelings magnified to the ten thousandth power and you might find yourself without the power. I'm a fool, such a fool. I long for some small evidence of your admiration only that never comes. And just like alway's and before; I run.