Creative Corner

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  -Plato

I wonder why it is that we take on the hurt, guilt, and pain of someone else? Someone that has had or having their won life struggle?

 I can remember feeling so deeply for my father who was an addict and an alcoholic. I fed into his illness and took the blame for it. I watched him slowly kill himself right before my eyes.

I think I realized at one point that it was not my fault and I was able to separate myself somewhat from the blame. I swore I would not bel like him but I already was even before I took the first pill or drink.

It is an innate thing.

I have so much self-hatred. I wonder if I can cope with it? How can one have so much love for others and compassion and not have it for themselves? Am I as hard on others as I am on me? I don't think so.

Just some thoughts...sincerely, searchin

 NOT ASKING FOR A LIFE LINE, HELPING HAND, OR A FRIEND.  WHEN I NEEDED THOSE THINGS THEY NEVER CAME AND NOW I CAN'T GET BACK WHAT'S LOST. I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 1961 AND LET ME SHARE WITH YOU I'VE EXPERIENCED SOME STUFF. SCHOOLS? PLENTY. LIVED ON FIVE CONTINENTS LAST COUNT,SO I STOPPER AD YEARS AGO TRYING TO NUMBER THE COUNTRIES I'VE VISITED, BECAUSE MY MEMORY FAILS ME IN THAT DEPARTMENT. THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE I'VE MET, LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING EVEN MORE. I JUMP OUT OF JET 4 MILES ABOVE THE EARTH'S SURFACE, AND HAD ANY AND EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG HAPPEN AS SOON AS I MADE MY EXIT. I'VE SAVED SO MANY LIVES THAT IT IS FUNNY, AND INTURN HAD MY BUTT SAVED A FEW TIMES. BRAGGING? NOT IF YOU CAN PROVE IT. AND I CAN, BUT ANOTHER TIME. I'VE BEEN DRUNK ON MY OWN EGO, INTOXICATED ON  VANITY,DRUGS,SEX, AND LIFE. I REPEAT; NOT LOOKING FOR RESCUE, NEW FRIEND, OR ANY OLD ONES TO COME BACK. I'M WRIGHTING THIS LETTER TO PUT SOMETHING OUT THERE. IF IT HELPS COOL; IF IT RUBS YOU WRONG; WELL KEEP IN MIND :IT'S NEVER HOW YOU SAY IT, IT'S ALL HOW THE OTHER PERSON TAKES IT". INNOCENT I'M NOT. I STOPPED BEING THAT THE MOMENT I KNEW RIGHT FROM WRONG AND TOOK THE WRONG OVER THE RIGHT. I CAN'T AND WILL NOT JUDGE ANOTHER'S ACTIONS NOT MY JOB SO I LEAVE THAT TO THE PROS. WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY THAT'S NOT EVEN 250 YEARS OLD YET; FOUNDED BY A GROUP OF GUYS WHO WERE LOOKING TO ESCAPE FROM A LIFE OF OPPRESSION AND HARDSHIP . THE IDEA WAS NOBLE AND THE WORDS THEY PUT DOWN WERE BEAUTIFUL, BUT WHEN IT CAME TO APPLICATION NOW THAT'S WHERE THEY HAD A PROBLEM. YOU SEE THE ONLY THING THEY KNEW WAS A LIFE OF OPPRESSION, SO FREEDOM TO THEM WAS TO BECOME THE MONSTERS THAT THEY FOUGHT SO HARD AND LONG TO GET AWAY FROM. IF YOU'VE EVER QUESTIONED WHY THINGS ARE AS MESSED UP AS THEY ARE; TRY CONSTRUCTING A 20 STORY HIGH RISE THAT'S 1" OFF AT THE BASE AND BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THE 6th FLOOR THE CLOSET  DOORS WON'T BE ABLE TO CLOSE. 50 YEARS I'VE BEEN HERE AND I REALLY DON'T SEE MYSELF DOING ANOTHER 50, AND IF I DO WE WILL STILL BE BROKEN. I'M NOT ASKING TO BE SAVED NOT BY MANKIND ATLEASE THAT IS NOT IN OUR ABILITIES BOOK NOR HAS IT EVER BEEN. PERFECTION CAN'T COME FROM SOMETHING THAT'S NOT PERFECT. THE WORD HAS NO MEANING.  WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PERFECT IS, SO WHY CHASE A RAINBOW. I WROTE IN TO AAA ONCE BEFORE AND SOMEONE WITH SOMETHING TO SAY ASKED ME" WHAT DOES RACE HAVE TO DO WITH ADDICTION?" I ASK WHAT DOES A PERSON'S PAST HAVE TO DO WITH THEIR TODAY AND TOMMORROWS? IF THAT THAT CAN BE ANSWERED THEN FOR THE QUESTION ASKED OF ME IS ALREADY ANSWERED.  HALF A CENTURY LATER I AM NEWBIE 7324 I TYPE IN CAPS TO SEE MY TYPING WORDS MAKE NO SOUNDS THEY DON'T YELL AT PEOPLE IN THEIR EARS, SO CHILL ON THE YELLING AT YOU STUFF.  DOCK ME ON GRAMMER IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TEACHING ME SOMETHING. COMMENTS ARE WELCOMED. I HAVE STORIES THAT'LL KEEP YOUR INTEREST THAT'S IF YOU'RE INTERESTED. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT BEING VICTIMIZED, VICTORIOUS, AND THE ONE WE SELDOM USE VILLIANOUS. IF YOU CARE FOR ME TO CONTINUE OR NOT SEND COMMENTS.  

As I was watching all the coverage yesterday on 911, I couldn't help but thinking, addiction is our terrorist. I feel much of the same feelings as those parents and loved ones. The loss, the devastation, the helplessness. The terrorists want to kill us, addiction wants our addicts dead. Terrorists hide in the shadows waiting to strike, so does addiction over and over again.  An attack can happen at any time, so does relapse. Our military is going after the terrorists, who is trying to defeat our enemy, the drug trafficers, drug dealers? Where is our memorial for our loved ones who have been killed by addiction. Where is the outrage?. Our war on addiction is real. Where is the outrage?!

Sometimes I read something you have said and it inspires me to write about something in my own life.

What will I allow in my life right now? Today.

What won't I allow? Today.

I will no longer allow someone into my life under the guise of friendship that has only their own gain in mind. I will not allow my husband to put his hands on me ever again. The consequences would be great. I will not allow myself to indulge in drugs.

I will allow emotions to evolve and grow to a healthy level. I will allow love into my life. I will allow myself to begin accepting myself and will not be afraid to expose some of my fragile self-esteem.

I could go on but I think you get the drift and well, I am becoming emotional so...

Sincerely, searchin

When I get weak, as I do so often. I think about the following...

My dear daughter, you said you hate me, you call me the c word. then leave me your tickets to pay.

The house is calm and nothing gets "borrowed" yet you say it is our fault and we are not nice to you.

I read letters from your boyfriend and realize it will get worse when he gets out of jail

I search your room and find another syringe hidden my weakness ends, 

When you call me crying, I now can hang up the phone.

I picture the cops breaking down your bedroom door to remove you from the house, all while you are cursing them out.

I think about my other two kids and my health. My husbands heart. We know what hell is like, hell is living with a heroin addict.

I will be a rock to help you if you help yourself but i will be a rock if I have to keep you away from us.

An ADDICT and an ALCOHOLIC alone together or just simply alone is bad company.....

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.