Creative Corner

 So, despite all the things you told me on the phone - that I am paranoid because it seems to me you are seeing someone else when you are away; and, that I am insecure!  You arrive at 11 p.m., on a Saturday night.   I am dressed up and anxious to have a great weekend and you watch TV and drink.

You yell "what the f  k is wrong with you" when I drive on the right side of the road (to avoid some pot holes) and reach in my glove box when I am driving - that I am a terrible driver.  There is little traffic in this small town and I have gotten a bit lax so I am paying more attention!  

But, I did keep your property in great order - you rarely did anything when you were here - never weeded.  I cleaned all the windows in your house, cleaned the hard wood floors, etc., when you were drinking and/or sleeping.  None of that seems to work in my favor!  

I have never been with a full blown alcoholic who drinks from the time he wakes up - sleeps and drinks again.  It boggles my mind that you point at me for being "without common sense or intelligence!"

I am working on me - it will take time - I can't believe there is no apology and you think you are perfect.

What Is REAL Addiction Recovery?

I was doing my usual thing on the world’s most famous social website the other day – just cruising along, checking out addiction recovery groups and reading peoples’ comments on the topic, when something disturbing caught my eye. So disturbing, it stopped me in my tracks and forced me to think about the true meaning of recovery. A member of one group went out of his way to post a photo of someone who works in addiction recovery and labeled this person as a murderer. He called the person a lot of other names, as well, but most of them were too obscene to repeat. You might be asking yourself why anyone would do such a thing – especially, a fellow addict in recovery. Well, from all appearances, the poster’s hate-filled attack against this so-called “murderer” was because the counselor uses a psychology-based, non-12 Step approach to treating addiction. This alternative to most conventional programs apparently challenged the poster’s view of recovery. He used slander and defamation of character as ways to convince others that his view of recovery is superior. Sometimes, fire scares caveman.

So what, exactly, is recovery? That’s a tough one. Recovery means different things to different people, depending on what level of sobriety each of us has reached. Someone that quit drinking or using drugs three weeks go is just beginning to view life with a new perspective, while someone with 27 years in recovery has moved way beyond that point. Or, should have, at least. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Addiction recovery is a process. Becoming an addict doesn’t happen overnight, and neither does recovery. Many would say addiction is an incurable disease and that every addict must forever remain in a state of recovery. Others disagree and claim to have made a full recovery and are no longer an addict. While the 12 Steps are the most popular method, many addicts have recovered using alternative approaches, such as psychotherapy, holistic healing, or even healed themselves using sheer willpower. The truth is, people vary, and there is no one-size-fits-all method of addiction recovery. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.

Therein, lies the confusion. So, how do we define recovery? Sometimes, it’s easier to define what something is by first eliminating what it is not.

Recovery is NOT –

·      Criticizing another’s path to sobriety

·      Claiming to be an expert about recovery, and which approach works best

·      Preaching from the recovery pulpit

·      Spreading resentment, anger and hate

·      Beating one another over the head with our own beliefs and opinions

·      Talking the talk without walking the walk

Recovery IS –

·      Acceptance of our own flaws and weaknesses, as well as those of others

·      Open-mindedness to views different from our own

·      Humility – one of the greatest gifts we can receive as recovering addicts, along with learning to appreciate the true meaning of words like gratitude, serenity, inner peace, and forgiveness

·      Moving forward in a positive direction, while helping others do the same

·      Respect - for ourselves and for others

One thing most addicts in recovery can agree with is that addiction is a cold, lonely pit of darkness, at least for those that have hit bottom. Rather than climbing over one another to escape the pit, we ought to join hands and help pull one another to safety. That is the true meaning of recovery.

Dan Farish

Author – 3 Steps To Recovery

www.3stepstorecovery.com

I worry myself and you guys with the problems of our family's addict so much, I would like to take a little space to talk about my addict's brother. My baby boy.

My youngest son CJ is a 5'10 160 lbs. blonde haired blue eyed georgous guy. He is very good looking and an oustanding son, friend, grandchild, cousin, worker and has the gentlest spirit I know.  He is 22  and has a great head on his shoulders and a very kind, forgiving heart. He can be brutally honest and has a very wicked sense of humor.

CJ loves his mama. He has been of tremendous support to me in this past year of turmoil. He worries about my health and state of mind, he has taken off work to carry me to Dr.'s appointments. He calls or texts to just say hi  and I love you Mama. When he is out with friends, enjoying his life he will call to say I'm all right please dont worry. He has dried plenty of tears, cheered me up with jokes and funny stories and just held me when I have been at my weakest . CJ has woke me up removing my glasses, and covering me up with a blanket and  a kiss. I could go on for quite awhile with his kindnesses and stability he offers but I dont want to sound like a personal ad.

I just wanted to start my day with a positive note. See now I feel better. Smiling through happy tears. CJ swells my heart with joy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_PRa_fIVWI

Dear Lord: here’s a prayer for my son.

He is so imperfect, because you are not done.

Heal him Lord for he is so ill,

He has forsaken us both and forgotten your will.

Help him Dear Lord , please touch his heart

For too long ,have we been apart.

Keep him Lord in the palm of your hand

That he is loved, help him understand.

Lord I beg you to lessen his pain,

May he know there is so much to gain.

For a long time he has lived in pure hell,

Whisper now Lord as he sits in a cell.

Love him Dear Lord in the days to come.

Help him my Lord find his way home.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

Mrs. Dumpty thought he was strong, Mrs. Dumpty learned she was wrong. She knew he had a shell and thought it was thick, never seeing the cracks, not knowing he was sick.

Little Dumpty's idyllic world fell apart, Little Dumpty had to (for a time) cradle his own little heart. He watched innocently, wanting to cry and to shout..... his 2nd grade "family portrait" showed Mom very tired and "Daddy flipping out".

The Dumpty 20-Somethings took off in a flash, The Dumpty 20-Somethings weren't about to stick around for the crash. They bore witness for years to what was occurring as our home became a house with lines between love and chaos blurring.

Dumpty 30-Something has a good life, Dumpty 30-Something appreciates being a non-addict's wife. Mrs. Dumpty wants her to know she'd like to be around more but appreciates knowing that 30-something has wings and will always soar.

The family of Humpty preferred "not to engage", The family of Humpty knew of his rage. They distanced themselves and "hoped he'd get better" yet ceased even sending Humpty as much as a letter.

Humpty Dumpty lived a big lie, Humpty Dumpty didn't care who might die. There was, for Humpty, a "relationship" to guard for life without drugs would be just too hard.

Mrs. Dumpty's heart was broken, Mrs. Dumpty cried "the truth was not spoken!". She prayed for her Prince Humpty to return, while he callously lit the match and let her dreams burn.

Humpty Dumpy didn't care.  Humpty Dumpty was no longer there.  He heard what he wanted to while he played "masquerade" in AA, "It's about ME", "Screw the responsibilities", "I will not stay!".

Mrs. Dumpty, in order to cope.... Mrs. Dumpty learned to let go of hope.  She and Little Dumpty must make a new life, Humpty no longer had the need for a child or wife.

Ex Mrs. Dumpty will recover and maybe even love again, of this she is certain, Ex Mrs. Dumpty will learn where Humpty is concerned to permanently close the curtain. She will rid her face and her heart of each crack he inflicted, Finally accepting that he was never the man he depicted.

Dumpty's words were brilliant, manipulative and charming Dumpty's a narcissist, an addict, capable only of harming. The dope he stole, the people he played, the pain he inflicted were the least of his crimes. The hearts he robbed from, should he ever have a moment of sanity, I hope will haunt him for all time.

The following post is from Valerie who was having trouble with this posting correctly.

‎"Forgiveness comes when you lose the hope of changing the past" - unknown

I "forgive" only because I'm tired of his actions negatively affecting me.

I forgive to the extent that I am trying to accept that I cannot change the past, and wishing I could has kept me handcuffed.

I forgive because NOT forgiving only keeps me entwined in the dysfunction of this relationship. I actually think I may be forgiving myself more than I'm forgiving him........for loving and needing him so much that I stopped doing what was best for me and my children, and for playing right into this game I didn't realize I was even in that turned the best of me into the worst of me (some may understand that).......and not realizing my part in all of this until it nearly took my life. I forgive him because to continue to be hurt by his actions, his apathy, his lack of empathy, his narcissism is to continue to hurt myself. I've come to learn that "he" doesn't do it to me intentionally (well, sometimes he does, but the majority of the time he is just being who he now is........perhaps who he always has been deep down). I CHOSE to see the best in him. I still do at times, because that feels much better to me. I loved who I believed him to be.

"Forgiving" him does not, by any means, mean forgetting. It DOES mean not dwelling on it........it means getting on with a life that I hold hope for being once again beautiful and serene and joyous. It means being able to look at him, spend some time with him when I need to or the kids need to without becoming all emotionally entangled (still struggling with that, especially on days like today, our 10th anniversary). It means keeping myself in emotional "check" when I even start to think that there is any more here than what meets the eye. It means to quit reading a higher meaning into his blatantly dismissive actions (how long have I said to myself and others things like "he's really a good man, he doesn't really mean that, he's just in a lot of pain, he really does love me/the kids", blah, blah, blah............) It means stopping the natural instinct I have to assume that either me or the kids really do mean something to him, something that he's just not able to express but must surely feel. If we do (and I believe that we do to the degree that he is able to feel those feelings)........I've come to accept that really, it's not enough for me, nor is it good for me. I know for a fact that it is not good enough for my children..........both him while ruled by addiction and me while ruled by my addiction to him.

"Forgiving" is RELEASING the hope of changing the past, of changing him, of changing circumstances to coerce him into being who I think he is capable of or 'should' be..........releasing the hold I have given him on me..........and saying goodbye to the dark side of me that has surfaced in my relationship with him. I've now given a decade of my life, and to a large degree my children's lives, to him...........and he really wasn't even there emotionally the majority of the time.

I disagree with someone who recently said something to the effect that forgiveness only comes when one gets down on their knees, repeatedly, and prays for the other person's salvation........with all due respect, screw that! I'll get down on my knees and pray for me or for my children, for strength to overcome my flaws and for their happiness despite the mockery that has been made of the nuclear family that they were promised. I'll pray that the love that they were all given so abundantly early in their lives (by BOTH of us) was adequate for them to KNOW on a gut level what that love feels like and to find it for themselves. I'll pray that I will become the example of what strength and serenity looks like. As far as praying for his salvation, I've long since relinquished my misguided belief that it was my role to "save" him, to rescue him, to inspire him. I'll continue practicing the art of "getting out of the way" and trusting that there is a plan for him that he is 100% responsible for........and if he chooses to do some knee-bending praying for himself that is his choice, and his alone. I don't even profess to know that praying is the 'right' answer for him (or anyone else for that matter)........it's not my call to make.

A friend and I were discussing this today, and this analogy came up in conversation and it seems so appropriate. By no means am I calling my husband, the father of my children, the man I married a "dog" nor was he a "pet", but this analogy DOES seem to fit (and please don't bash me for this!) There is a difference between a stray dog and a feral dog. Strays were once family pets. Since they were socialized in the past, they are usually willing to accept handling fairly soon after being trapped. They may need to be trapped if they have been living on their own for a period of time, during which they may have learned to be wary of some people. After eating a few meals, and making some new human and dog friends, most strays will become pets again. For a long time, my "domesticated" husband was getting to be more like a stray........he would return and he could be loving. A feral may never be able to enjoy human touch and companionship. When people take ferals into their homes, the dogs often have good social skills with other dogs and are willing to be part of a dog group living in a home. Some are even willing to use a dog door to eliminate outside. But, they often hide if a human enters the room. Most ferals can be handled for necessary medical needs such as sedation for surgeries, blood draws for tests or sedation for grooming. feral dogs live wherever there is habitat and a food source. Most commonly, they live in parks, under abandoned buildings, in rural wooded areas, beneath freeways, etc. They live in hiding, and are often seen only at a distance. They generally move about during the times when humans are indoors – in the evening, night and early morning hours. The adult dogs are primarily silent, since drawing attention to themselves often brings danger. Many ferals are seen by the general public as either dangerous or diseased. How can a feral dog be helped? In general, feral dogs should remain in their original outdoor environment. You can help the dogs by setting up and maintaining feeding stations, and by providing shelter, such as dog houses, for them. You can also improve their lives by doing trap/neuter/return (TNR). TNR involves trapping the dogs; transporting them to a veterinarian to be vaccinated, treated for parasites, and spayed or neutered; and returning them to their home environment. Spay/neuter prevents the dogs from breeding, and it also reduces wandering and fighting. This is the most accurate description of how a loving husband seems to his family once meth addiction takes root. While I have a kind heart (I really do)........and I may feel for the dog and provide it some water and a meal.........you can be damned sure I'm not putting out my hand for fear of being bitten and it's a healthy fear/precaution. The dog wouldn't "mean" to, it would be instinctual. And God only knows where that dog has been. But he doesn't belong in our family, especially with lives and hearts at stake.

So, this is where my head is at, a year after learning that meth was part of our life, a year into our separation, and on our 10th wedding anniversary. Damn.

1. Try it
2. Like it
3. Love it
4. Give up everything that matters for it.
5. Lie for it.
6. Steal for it.
7. Beg for it.
8. Lose your self respect for it.
9. Lose your soul for it.
10. Die for it. 

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