Confessions
This is the place to get it all out! Tell us what's on your mind. What's the worst thing you've done for your addiction? What's the worst thing that's happened to you because of your addiction? How have you been affected because of someone else's addiction? How has your life as an addict affected the ones you love? Reading and writing these confessions help us realize the impact that the addictions have over all of us. When posting your confession, you can choose to remain anonymous or let others see your profile name as to bring about discussions.
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| Showing 10 of 1467, Page 10 of 147 | Page 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 |
| Deadly as venom
It is Jack here, feeling guilty for stupid reasons, I like having some distance from my darkest days. Not being there for those of you who saved me from myself (you know who you are and I will always love you) But where else can you go when you are at a loss and your heart hurts? Home to those who understand. I told you my favorite nephew ( I never had kids) who is a really kind person went out west to the oil patch working as a heavy equipment operator. His mom is from the Mohawk Nation and he likes to meet other people who once inhabited this land before we "discovered it" and in Alberta there is a huge aboriginal native population. He hooked up with a chick who grew up on an Alberta "Indian Reservation", pretty, very artistic but also a serious herion addiction. She came to our house for Easter dinner. They were both on Suboxone. I am a junkie and I can spot BS but there was a deeper saddness in this poor girl. Anyway my nephew got off suboxone on a 6 week cycle exactly like me, same doctor same clinic. The girl did not cope well and hit Toronto to score.My nephew who was working for a local excavation company sent her a few bucks but knew what she would spend it on. He paid for her bus trip back to Alberta a week ago last Tuesday. She called him begging for cash Friday and he told her he would send her $100 and never ask again. She died that night of an overdose. Please pray for her in your own way, her name was an aboriginal word that meant spring (water not a season) My brother went with my nephew out west to bury her, I am sad, I know it could be me, and it could be my nephew. LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS
Posted: 07/17/2014 9:53 PM View Confession
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| Same mistakes
I am making the same mistakes with my daughter (not an addict) as I did with my son. I want to have a better relationship with her, and she keeps rejecting me, so I keep trying harder and actually just push her away. So today, I finally get it. Today I will "let go and let God". Today I will detach with love. Today I will cry my eyes out and grieve for something I never had and most likely never will. Tomorrow, I will repeat without the crying.
Posted: 07/17/2014 4:37 PM View Confession
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| everything seems to be falling apart
I am trying so hard to put the pieces of my life back together. I know this distruction was a slowly creeping process and it will not be fixed overnight, but darn it is so bad. I guess my eyes are just finally seeing how messed up it all is. I am still waiting to hear about my full time job. My marriage is in such bad shambles that I do not know if I even want to stay in it. My lil girl who I have tried to shelter is becoming aware of her siblings addiction issues and it is getting harder to keep it all under the rug. I try not to talk about things too much because "normal" people do not want to hear a person be a drag all of the time. I am not happy at all. I see other kids my AD age who are marrying, finishing college, getting their first apartments, etc and I have to be greatful for her just breathing another day How bad I want her to live, really live. I try to enjoy things and I find that when I get a glimpse of joy it is so fleeting. My and Hubbies finances are horrible because of all that was taken from us we are in forclosure. I do not want my house to be taken from us. I am so tired of lifes struggles. I get so angry sometimes when I see everyone else happily going through life. Yes I know everyone has something bad going on but with us it is pouring in all directions. It is all just crumbling in around me. My husband has been a miserable thing from years back and yea I can say he is going through a lot too but he has so many excuses to not try and be a part of what is left of the family. I am just hoping to hear about a job, get me out of the house, catch up on bills, and have something to put aside for myself just in case I want to divorce. I am toooo old to keep waiting for the titanic to turn around that is for sure. It is sinking and fast. I need to grab a life boat and hang on for dear life. I am increasingly growing aware that I am not selfish as I have given all to 2 people that have rung me dry due to their own issues, and I have allowed it. My marriage being one and addicted child the other. I have to get ME happy and create my own happiness, I am getting older and NEED to find peace in MY life and not worry so much about others, they are responsible for them and I do not have to accept not take part in their misery!
Posted: 07/15/2014 1:57 PM View Confession
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| No more open channels
Thanks to everybody...I blocked him again today (27 year old son) and I have no intention of re-opening any channel. Today was his day off and he was drunk and high as usual. He was writing even more abusive things to me, laced with profanity. How many mothers put up with an offspring telling them to F off over and over like In "The Shining?" He told me yesterday he wants to go back to rehab. I told him to go and do so. Then he unleashed. He tells me that so I will tell him he can move back home, quit his job. He changes tactics like some people change socks. He wants to wheel and deal. We did everything we could to prevent him from ruining his life. We owe him nothing now as he is well over 27 now..older than I was when he was born. God, I just want our lives back..with some peace. I realize that peace isn't going to necessarily come from his full recovery and reinstatement in our lives as I had fantasized, but more likely from excising him from our lives so we will not be subjected to his hatred, abuse, bitterness, willful self-destruction and addiction. No more getting physically ill from his posts..no more sleepless nights and anxious days. Though I seriously worry about his state of mind. Some of that "manifesto" written by the shooter in California last month, sounded eerily like things he has written and uttered.
Posted: 07/07/2014 8:40 PM View Confession
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| Leaving Las Vegas
Things have been in a holding pattern with AD. He continues to work a lot of hours a week but I can see that he is starting to "lose it" and he is holding fast to his "functional addict" plan. He just constantly states that he is entitled to his addiction because his life is miserable. He is back to writing threats like this.."no I'm going leaving las vegas....this will stop for me one way or another"..He now wants "front money" to leave the state yet again..I wrote him this message and though I shouldn't have responded..I did feel better once I did.
You have set this course and only you can correct it. Where did you get the idea that it is constantly up to others to fix your mistakes for you? We are willing to help on the ways already enumerated (i.e. Monthly minutes on your phone - the 20th phone you purposely destroyed in your last fit of anger when we didn't bow to your threats and demands).
You are choosing to remain an addict..you were visibly shaking when I saw you yesterday. You say that is your business and you have a "right" to continue using substances because your life is so bad and unfair. Why do you have a right to set conditions for your life but we do not? You are working a lot of hours- as to your pay or the working conditions..I cannot speak to those but you flashed a lot of money at us yesterday and Saturday when we saw you at lunch.
We understand you want to change a lot about your life. We have explained to you that it is a process that starts with sobriety and recovery first. You admitted to me that you spend all your extra time in bars and you also admitted you drink at work where there is a bar. How long can you keep this job with these conditions? These people gave you a chance and you stepped up to the challenge. Unfortunately, you seem determined to mess all this up. If this job isn't cutting it, use the experience and the references to get into a better situation. That is how it is done.
If you really want to move across the country..then take the money you are spending on drinking and bars and save it toward your plan to leave. It is not up to us..We gave you money to leave the state 3 times before. Each time you either never made it past the local bars or you went, partied on the beach (Miami) and told us you were dying on the street until we brought you back. This doesn't count the times we have paid your rent and helped you start again here. This will never change if we don't change how we respond. You have a very practiced way to draw me back in, to get me rattled so I say anything to keep you going. But that is also not my job anymore. You must find your own reasons to live, to grow, to recover. We expected to help if you were sincere about recovery and sincere about getting your legal troubles settled. Then, for the umpteenth time..you didn't show up to your court date, lying about the reason. They wanted less than $400 on that date and you said $5000. We paid your rent that month so you could pay the court. But, in spite of your job you said you didn't have any money to give them. Again, more reasons we cannot get involved..the lies, the lies, the lies.
I told you that if you saved a lot of the money to pay the court and you were sober..we would help with a shortfall in rent or utilities..but as usual, not good enough. You have shown that you do not intend to pay the court, now you say you want to run away. You will never be able to outrun your addiction and the consequences of it. You must face them both and put them behind you. The help offered stays the same..it is very dependent on you working a program and having a coherent plan to move forward by settling the fall out. You are one of four. If all my kids had these issues, made these messes- would we be responsible to clean up after all of them? If that were true your dad and I would be living on the street. You can do this. You can change your life. You have a future that will look so much brighter when you put your addiction and it's fall out behind you for good. I won't respond to any more threats..I don't know what you mean by "I'm going Leaving Las Vegas" and that you are determined to end it. Please get help. This has been years and years of these machinations. We all need to move beyond this.
Posted: 06/24/2014 3:10 PM View Confession
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| just want it to end
recently tried to call him... apparently he blocked my number over this "apology". returened to the meetings i used to go to for family members. no matter how long i sit there and listen, he does so many things i just don't get. i've made it clear "just calling see how you are"... how is that an issue? knowing he's on drugs, wouldnt you WANT someone to see how your doing? Posted: 06/24/2014 12:40 PM View Confession
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| so who do i believe?
never trust an addict....so who do i beleive? the man who when he's sober treats me like a queen? or the man who after his high comes down tells me i dont love him? do i believe the man who said out his on mouth "i wasnt good for you... i needed to push you away so i could get better" OR the man who uses that same mouth to call me a b*tch? why didnt he just find another addict to be with? why the hell me??
Posted: 06/22/2014 1:29 AM View Confession
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| About a mother, about a son
Good news, bad news. My mother has finally been re-located to a nursing dementia facility that is closer to her old neighborhood. She is showing less rage toward her partner in life (they moved in together a bit over ten years ago when they were 80 and 81 years old). This makes his spirits soar and he may be visiting her more often than before. She is part of a population of people closer to her stage of dementia, that is, no one goes out without a companion, basically a locked ward. And this I am grateful for. Pathetic, no? But old age is not for sissies. She is still medicated in the mornings to control her aggression.
Here's the confession part: I still can't stop trying to rescue my son. I just can't. Not only is he still living in our house, he comes over for dinner almost every night AND we are about to give him a 2003 car, too. But he seems to be improving a bit. He's gotten warnings at work about being late and I think that he is getting to work on time. Once there, I gather he performs well. His father has the same problem with time and space, that is, neither recognizes that it takes time to get through space, so they're always late to everything. Also, he no longer is smoking pot; he has replaced it with something called an e-pen. People trying to give up tobacco use these, but he uses it instead of smoking pot. It's hash based and he probably is buying it from a medical marijuana dispensary. His sugar has been at 97 in the morning for over a week, which is typical for someone with a functioning pancreas. What kind of doctor gives a Type 1 diabetic a script for grass? But at least he is not consorting with the worst sort of dealer to get high, someone who might urge him to try crack or cocaine. So I am still hoping to be an exception to the general experience that rescuing doesn't work. In spite of everything. I know better, but I just can't let go. Because my mother's well being is no longer in peril, I feel optimistic and generally less depressed. I have started sleeping through the night although I do get up early to worry.
Posted: 06/14/2014 7:54 AM View Confession
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| Ruminating
Talibabe said "It's so hard to stand still when the water is rising around someone we love. No wonder you can't sleep nights. I've been there, am there. The worst times come at about 5 a.m. I'll think of you then."
Yep. My time is at about 3 am.
I saw AD C yesterday. She looked bad. Looked high. So much for the suboxone.
The person who paid for the suboxone, B., a texted us and asked us to pay for her next visit and script tomorrow. My husband kindly responded that we had spent many years and thousands of dollars on treatment for C. And this time we would respectfully decline. He thanked B for his interest and concern for our daughter. B's response was disheartening, and expected. He said that C continued to visit her drug friends and her dealer...despite his efforts to try and help her.
I am proud of my husband's response. A year ago he would have given her the money.
Sometimes I feel disconnected, as if I am watching someone else's life, or a well written drama; at these times I think: Is this really MY life? Did MY child really turn out like that?The child I used to think would go to college, become a writer, or a lawyer, or a...
Most of the time, though, I move on with my family, our lives together; C just isn't much a part of that family anymore.
Posted: 06/11/2014 9:53 PM View Confession
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| School's out
Well friends, I am a teacher. The school year creshendos, and becomes crazy, and now, Monday is my last day. Ill be able to catch up on everyone's posts and catch you up on my life with my daughter's addiction. In short, she supposedly has gone to a suboxone clinic. She called yesterday and on one hour notice, asked my husband for a ride to a clinic 45 min away in a neighboring state, and 90 dollars for the doctor. Uh-uh. been there before and she took the money and did not pay the DR. and took the suboxone and sold it and bought more heroin. So her dad said NO. She begged, blah blah blah. Then gave up. Later she texted that an older gentleman named B paid the 90 and paid 120 for the suboxone, bc he was the only one who cared enough to try to save her. OMG. I texted back to her: Only you and God can save you. I learned this the hard way by spending ten years of my life trying to save you, and you werent interested. Get into a long term program-one of the free ones (I sent her a list of free programs a while back, and a while back before that). She did not respond. I do well these days when I have an interaction with her, at the time of the interaction. Then the mess of her life sinks in and hits me square...and I get so sad. I had nightmares all last night. I am OK now, sad, but not like last night. I believe she is dying, and she did text that to me last night, that she had to change because she is dying. I have heard this from her before, so I have little faith that she will actually stop using, and do the work it will take to maintain sobriety. Thank you for listening.
Posted: 06/06/2014 7:24 PM View Confession
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