Confessions

This is the place to get it all out! Tell us what's on your mind. What's the worst thing you've done for your addiction? What's the worst thing that's happened to you because of your addiction? How have you been affected because of someone else's addiction? How has your life as an addict affected the ones you love? Reading and writing these confessions help us realize the impact that the addictions have over all of us. When posting your confession, you can choose to remain anonymous or let others see your profile name as to bring about discussions.

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Showing 10 of 1467, Page 6 of 147 Page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11
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heroin and what it has done

 hekko all. I pray that you all had a Merry Christmas. I was doing very well enjoying the season until Christmas Day. I cried ran to the bathroon to shiekd myself from my 5 year old and I saw almost as though it were happening at that moment my AD oding on the floor. It set me off further. I of course got it together for the sake of my other family but I am toired of ignoring what ahppened. My hubby has not been supportive in the emotional areas but supportive of getting AD out of house last year. She will be gone a year in Feb. I have mad a trip last monthy to see her in prison. She did look beautiful. She has since been kicked out of the rehab program in jail due to her " negative influencce on others" that is 2 down. I am so tired of things. I am trying to be supportive of the positive. She has maintained a sponsor even though she was booted out of rehab. I try so hard to focus on the good, but it is work. I just want to rest. I want my mind to stop, my lungs to breath and my heart to beat normal. I do not want to "flash back: to Christmas eve when I hear a siren or see flashing lights. I am tired

Posted: 12/27/2014 10:24 AM

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE
Peace on earth, good will toward people, loving one another as thyself ... people who truly believe and act on these thoughts are the people who hold humanity together, hold families together, and hold individuals together. Sometimes because of mental illness and addiction (our own and that of others), good faith and kind and loving hearts are not enough. But even so, people who love and care for others are the best people even when they are sometimes misguided and full of despair or dependent on various substances to get through the day. This is my pat on the back for all of us this holiday season along with best wishes for whole spirits and strong hearts in the days ahead.

Posted: 12/24/2014 10:26 AM

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Again
Text to my AD So much lying comes with your drug use. So much hurt too. Your dad and I were so happy to have you back, sober. So happy, joyful, thankful, that you were with us, that you were not lying. Now, here we are, once again in the middle of your lies, having to lose you all over again. You show up sober just long enough for us to have hope, to fall in love with you all over again, to see our beautiful child. The you go back to your Beloved. And your Lies. And your Deceptions. Our lovely daughter leaves us, and we grieve. Grieve as a canyon calls out to the universe, echoes to the empty stars. Our clear-eyed Cate is gone again. Do not contact me unless you need a ride to treatment.

Posted: 12/18/2014 10:07 PM

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LIFECOACH
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Ch ch ch changes.....

I have always liked that David Bowie song.

  First let me apologise for my prolonged absence.  I have logged on a couple of times but not taken the time to comment.  Sorry.  Thanks Dog for keeping in contact and reminding me how much I do care about the people on this site and giving me a kick in the rear to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking.  I told you I would get to it eventually.

We have the saying here "if nothing changes, nothing changes" .  Well that goes for everything in life not just dealing with addiction.  Over the past 6-8 months my hubby and I have decided to make some major changes in our lives.  We have been buried in responsibility for the past 30 years and have decided that it was time to rearrange things and enjoy life for OURSELVES.  Wow...what a concept, what a difference.

i will have to reveal a little more about myself than I have in the past ...(how long have I been here...about 4 years I think) in order for you to understand the changes and the freedom of responsibility that has come.  

Neither my husband nor I ever had the $$ or desire to attend college. Too busy smoking pot...lol.  Where we came from after you were out of high school you got a job, left home when you were 18 and didn't look back.  College was for rich kids...and that wasn't us.  Needless to say I'm very greatful for the changes in society and circumstance that have made it possible for my kids to be college graduates...but that is a whole different subject.

After a few years of the drug scene where we probably tried everything out there except pure opiates (thank you God...I was a sleeper not a leaper,lol) we decided that we were going nowhere and set our goals on different things.  Thankfully we never developed any addictions and once we changed our circle of friends it was fairly easy to leave it behind us.

  Fast forward.......being "uneducated" we took the avenue of real estate to reach our goals and began investing every extra dollar into property.  We were flipping houses LONG before anyone decide to get rich by making a tv show out of it.  Therefore we were on the band wagon LONG before prices became so inflated that the average middle class family could no longer afford to buy a home.  We experienced the rise and the fall of the real estate market.  We made money on the rise and luckily were able to ride out the fall without loosing our butts like so many others.  Along with all of this there is a "game" thats played.  The game of being a realestate developer....dealing with county officials, going before the commisioners board for zoning changes, parcel splits, map approval, finding financing for various projects...I could go on and on about what we have done for the past 30 years but you get the drift....we have been BURIED IN RESPONSIBILITY.

So a couple of years ago we started to realise we aren't getting any younger...the real estate market was still in the toilet and while we were still able to pay the bills, the profits from the investments were not what we were used to (yes, we had become spoiled riding the gravy train). Being the practical people that we are it was time to take a look at where we were.

Fast forward again so as not to bore you too much....Over the past 6-8 months we have done a re-evaluation of what is really important to us at this stage of life.  We are not old...at least by my standards(not even collecting SS yet)...and we had decided that we were not satisfied with our way of life.  We were spending too much time and $$ managing, repairing, maintaining ,property taxes, mortgages, income taxes, insurance etc.on the remaing real estate holdings we still had.  We were BURIED IN RESPONSIBILITY!!!  It was time to make some changes because...if nothing changes nothing changes. The real estate market is well into its recovery in my neck of the woods.  Tesla has decided to move into the back yard and with it is an influx of economic boom.  It was time.

Since I have actually spent any time here at AaA we have sold all of our residential rentals except one that is attached to one of our businesses.  The place we had to repo from my brother in law has been fixed up and sold. We do all of our repairs, cleaning, maintaince, etc ourselves (responsibility)...yes, I scrub the toilets of other people when I have too, I also know how to work a back hoe a shovel and a hammer...its part of the territory. We had a wonderful brick house in an excellent neighborhood in our closest metropolitan area.  It too has been sold.  It was our "city house" and it is the one place that I find myself missing...not missing that mortgage though..lol.

And so..... you are probably thinking...that wow...we are rich now....and yes we are...we have riches that we dreamed of 38 years ago when we first started building our life together.  We have time, we have freedom.  Most of the money went to paying off the remaining debt we had and for the first time in 30 years we are debt free.  We have chosen to live at a place in the high desert we have owned for many years.  It is totally off grid, three miles to the closest paved road with springs and trees.  Free water from the mountain and power from the sun.  We built the little house with our own hands, spent many years here while the kids were growing up. Paid cash as we went.  Our original plan was to be self sufficient, with no bills and no responsibility.  The real estate thing was just an unexpected detour that was never really planned...it just happened. Started when we set up a place for one of the realitives who had no place to live, she flaked out and we were stck with a mortgage...hence our first rental. I am sad to say we have since lost her to addiction. We still have our businesses in the little community about 15 miles away but it is not the kind where you have to have the doors open 9-5 and we have a manager for now.  Still own some stuff but the only responsibility on it is property taxes.  

On the addiction front: my son in law (H addict for those who don't know) is doing great.  Is he still taking suboxone?  I have no idea,  I do know they are living a wonderful life, he still has the job with the state and my daughter is very happy these days.  They hosted Thanksgiving this year for 22 people.  At the table were 2 addicts in recovery and it was a joy to see how far they have come.  Missing from the table was my brother in law who is still slipping deeper into the hole which only he can get himself out of.  So another aspect of the disease rears its head, that of relapse.  These days I take it all in stride and wish for strength for all involved, us loved ones and our addicts.  We never know what tomorrow brings so we still take it one day at a time.

  I will try to check in more often now that my life is getting settled but alas... in chosing this kind of life style there are other responsibilities.  Making sure we have plenty of fire wood, winterising everything, setting up the road plow in case we get snowed in..etc. I will take these responsibitities any day.  Life is good.

I have tried to catch up a little here and am happy for those doing well, sadden for those who are not and see that addiction has not changed one bit.  It is still the same monster I remember dealing with and am so relieved that I now know how to handle it so much better.  I will leave you with the sayings we are so used to hearing because I really do need to hear them once in a while myself.

Never, ever give up hope.

Take it one day at a time.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

And this one from Dog that I have always remembered "tell your addict that you love them because they really need to hear that."

Thank you all for being here.  Hugs to all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted: 12/06/2014 1:30 PM

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My Thanksgiving
I went out of town for Thanksgiving. Left my son at home to feed the pets, work, and go to meetings. I returned to a house that was just like I left it. YAY!!!

Posted: 12/01/2014 12:03 AM

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Post traumatic stress disorder?
Thanksgiving was tough for me but not for the usual reasons among our little group here. The day went as well as could have been hoped giving my son's problems, the order restraining my son from contact with my daughter and Alzheimers in the two surviving members of the older generation. Man, could it ever have been worse. Instead of feeling OKAY, however, I am feeling weepy, anxious, demoralized, and like a phoney. In fact, I have intrusive weeping again, something I associate with the worst days of my various depressions, so I am lurking about in my house hoping nobody notices. Almost four years ago, I retired early because of problems like intrusive weeping, poor concentration, sudden inability to organize myself, poor sleeping and so on. My fears of my son feeling so lonely when he spends holidays alone that he does something crazy or even tries to kill himself are very acute. Yet I cannot in effect reject my daughter; I support her wanting to have a restraining order. She is five months pregnant. When the children were small, we were such a united family and I felt OK about myself in spite of my own Dickensian childhood. Now everything seems to be piling up on me -- intrusive memories from the distant as well as the recent past, intrusive weeping, lack of concentration. Do other people have these problems? Today, it's been in the absence of a particular trigger, so I am alarmed about my own mental health in light of my age especially.

Posted: 11/28/2014 3:32 PM

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Bad Times when people get high...

Posted: 11/28/2014 3:05 PM

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My new life - Update
...I am putting up Christmas Decorations as I write this. I have his ornaments with his name..the ones he made for me as a child...the "baby's 1st" etc....I hung them on the back of the tree..too painful for them to be in my face but also too painful not to hang them up. The other kids asked me not to hang his stocking up this year..I can see the pain they are dealing with as well..I want to concentrate on what is wonderful and loving in my life...more than enough energy has already gone to the dysfunction..I am doing well with my new resolve..Changed my phone number & blocked Facebook messages..I do not fall back into bad habits and try to check his page either...I have not heard from him in a week..I have no idea what is going on with him and I don't want to..let's see what he can do on his own..December 6 is his 28th birthday..he may show up for his "birthday money" that he will assume he is owed...in the past that money never went further than a strip club or for his party supplies..I would rather start an account for if he ever celebrates a year clean & sober...

Posted: 11/26/2014 7:20 PM

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Probably Good News
I've mentioned before that my son has been working as a full-time employee with benefits since September 2013 (before that he'd been a temp at the same place for a year). Today he found out that he's getting a bonus, a raise, and a step-promotion. Later, his boss asked to speak to him, and his reaction was still "what have I done wrong?" Instead of knocking him, his boss him asked to do a class on something or other technical in video game QA for the other guys in his department. This is the first seriously superlative news he's ever had - outstripping moving to permanent from temporary a year ago. Otherwise, it's been pretty dismal for him since he turned ten years old and began smoking marijuana. Obviously, he was secretive; I was not THAT negligent a mother. I have to admit, it never crossed my mind that that particular problem would crop up until he was in high school. I though he had ADHD and auditory processing and that was a sufficient diagnosis. We were in therapy from the time he was eight. Anyway, this is a long way of introducing my fears that he will use the money from the bonus not to make himself independent of family handouts but on drugs. He's been incrementally improving in many ways since he got his insulin pump, but SO SLOWLY. I think now he will take giant steps backwards or giant steps forward. I wish I could get a guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen again...

Posted: 11/25/2014 9:04 PM

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Probably good news?

Posted: 11/25/2014 8:46 PM

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Showing 10 of 1467, Page 6 of 147 Page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11


 
 
 
 
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