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Even if my son were to "recover" totally from his drug abuse and associated mental health problems now that he is in a program, the losses willlast forever.  First, he has lost about 15 to 20 years of productive life, the years he should have been working toward economic self sufficiency, bulding life-time friendships, understanding life and himself, the world and his place in it, becoming comfortable in his own skin.  Second, I have lost the same number of years of contentment, satisfaction, and pride in his accomplishments.  He and I, in our minds, can envision a parallel life, the life he could have had.  The images may not be exactly the same, but both involve our fantasy of "the good life," whatever that may be.  Certainly, it's not what he's been having.  I sense his remorse and anger and I feel my own.  I think his remorse and anger endanger his recovery, but maybe I'm wrong.  What I see in myself is the same denial I've had for a long time, the craving for the happier parallel life, the anger over the injustice of what I've got instead, the fear of early death or my death while he remains in constant crisis.  In general, I have a hard time with grief.  I am more comfortable with anger because, in other contexts, it has given me the will to live.  But now, it's not so helpful.  I still feel bad even thinking of looking at his baby pictures, the childhood pictures.  I was a good photographer, and there was a time when I just loved opeing up those books.  There was a later time when I couldn't even bear to look at other people's children in the park playing.  I was SO depressed, so sorry, so blocked as I coped with crisis after crisis. Maybe the worst of those days are behind me, but they will never go away.  If anyone has any ideas about how to move forward, I would very much like to hear them. Stages of grief?  Am I moving toward acceptance?  I would still like to imagine that he could be a part of the family but I know his sister has made a life without my son; her husband is not likely to ever want to even see him; her daughter may never meet her uncle.  Death threats and restraining order stuff.  I guess I'll be spending Christmas Eve with him and Christmas with them in different cities for the rest of our lives.  I'm sorry to think of him always alone on that day.  It's like there's been a sibling divorce and the parents are in a custody dispute.  But I can't blame her; she saved him from diabetic coma a couple times yet he thinks she's been his enemy from the day he was born.  I grieve for the family that could have been, that once seemed to be so promising.  Really.

Posted: 12/28/2016 12:25 PM

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Talibabe,

So much remorse, so much grief. I think you still have not given up, but hope that your suffering will enable you to finally have a fully functioning family.  Please let it go. Your son's fate is his alone. Maybe it is time to have a family ceremony. Get some helium ballons, write on them your son's name or his faults or his shortcomings.  Then go somewhhere together and let the balloons and you grief go into the wind.  Watch the balloons go and then not think of them anymore.  We need symbols and ceremonies to let go of the things that ail us.  I like to go to the lake and throw things in the water . Letsm us know how you are doing.

Freyja 

Posted: 12/28/2016 5:30 PM

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Talibabe,

We have walked this road together. Many times I have looked at young children and thought: Which one will destroy themselves and their family with addiction.

I too grieve when I look at photos of my sweet child.  She was an amazing soul.

I long ago gave up the happy family image of holidays together.   Still, I grieve the loss of what other people seem to have.

My children have to lead their own lives.

We have very ill children.  Children who, at best, in recovery, continue to be ill. Recovery is a long, extenuated process. I do not know what this process is like, nor how long it takes. Perhaps it takes forever.

I do know the thing you and I have, we still have, is a living child. Although, this child looks nothing like the child we so lovingly raised, tried to raise.  Their illness robbed us of that child.  I have often compared addiction to a Traumatic Brain Injury. However, instead of an injury to the brian fron the outside of the skull, addiction is an injury to brain from the inside, at the synapse level. As with any disability, we have to learn to accept our children as disabled, and move on from that.  The non disabled child does not exist, will not exist.

My job on a daily basis is to try to appreciate the disabled person who is my child. I have no hope for the dreams I used to have. My dream for my child now is that she continue to live, continue seek recovery. My hope for me is that I live my own life and find joy there.

Posted: 12/31/2016 11:10 PM

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Thank you Cathy.  May our sorrows lead to growth.

Posted: 01/12/2017 11:22 PM

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Thank you Cathy.  May our sorrows lead to growth.

Posted: 01/12/2017 11:22 PM

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