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Let your mind run wild. This is for all of you to be able to write and let others see your thoughts, your concerns, your insecurities, your hopes etc. Write a poem, a letter to your addiction or to the loved ones you've hurt. Write that letter to the addict in your life. It's up to you! Soon you will also have the ability to upload your artwork and songs that you've created.

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Humpy Dumpty's Recovery Masquerade

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

Mrs. Dumpty thought he was strong, Mrs. Dumpty learned she was wrong. She knew he had a shell and thought it was thick, never seeing the cracks, not knowing he was sick.

Little Dumpty's idyllic world fell apart, Little Dumpty had to (for a time) cradle his own little heart. He watched innocently, wanting to cry and to shout..... his 2nd grade "family portrait" showed Mom very tired and "Daddy flipping out".

The Dumpty 20-Somethings took off in a flash, The Dumpty 20-Somethings weren't about to stick around for the crash. They bore witness for years to what was occurring as our home became a house with lines between love and chaos blurring.

Dumpty 30-Something has a good life, Dumpty 30-Something appreciates being a non-addict's wife. Mrs. Dumpty wants her to know she'd like to be around more but appreciates knowing that 30-something has wings and will always soar.

The family of Humpty preferred "not to engage", The family of Humpty knew of his rage. They distanced themselves and "hoped he'd get better" yet ceased even sending Humpty as much as a letter.

Humpty Dumpty lived a big lie, Humpty Dumpty didn't care who might die. There was, for Humpty, a "relationship" to guard for life without drugs would be just too hard.

Mrs. Dumpty's heart was broken, Mrs. Dumpty cried "the truth was not spoken!". She prayed for her Prince Humpty to return, while he callously lit the match and let her dreams burn.

Humpty Dumpy didn't care.  Humpty Dumpty was no longer there.  He heard what he wanted to while he played "masquerade" in AA, "It's about ME", "Screw the responsibilities", "I will not stay!".

Mrs. Dumpty, in order to cope.... Mrs. Dumpty learned to let go of hope.  She and Little Dumpty must make a new life, Humpty no longer had the need for a child or wife.

Ex Mrs. Dumpty will recover and maybe even love again, of this she is certain, Ex Mrs. Dumpty will learn where Humpty is concerned to permanently close the curtain. She will rid her face and her heart of each crack he inflicted, Finally accepting that he was never the man he depicted.

Dumpty's words were brilliant, manipulative and charming Dumpty's a narcissist, an addict, capable only of harming. The dope he stole, the people he played, the pain he inflicted were the least of his crimes. The hearts he robbed from, should he ever have a moment of sanity, I hope will haunt him for all time.

Posted: 07/05/2011 2:01 AM

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Forgiveness and the Feral Dog

The following post is from Valerie who was having trouble with this posting correctly.

 

‎"Forgiveness comes when you lose the hope of changing the past" - unknown

I "forgive" only because I'm tired of his actions negatively affecting me.

I forgive to the extent that I am trying to accept that I cannot change the past, and wishing I could has kept me handcuffed.

I forgive because NOT forgiving only keeps me entwined in the dysfunction of this relationship. I actually think I may be forgiving myself more than I'm forgiving him........for loving and needing him so much that I stopped doing what was best for me and my children, and for playing right into this game I didn't realize I was even in that turned the best of me into the worst of me (some may understand that).......and not realizing my part in all of this until it nearly took my life. I forgive him because to continue to be hurt by his actions, his apathy, his lack of empathy, his narcissism is to continue to hurt myself. I've come to learn that "he" doesn't do it to me intentionally (well, sometimes he does, but the majority of the time he is just being who he now is........perhaps who he always has been deep down). I CHOSE to see the best in him. I still do at times, because that feels much better to me. I loved who I believed him to be.

"Forgiving" him does not, by any means, mean forgetting. It DOES mean not dwelling on it........it means getting on with a life that I hold hope for being once again beautiful and serene and joyous. It means being able to look at him, spend some time with him when I need to or the kids need to without becoming all emotionally entangled (still struggling with that, especially on days like today, our 10th anniversary). It means keeping myself in emotional "check" when I even start to think that there is any more here than what meets the eye. It means to quit reading a higher meaning into his blatantly dismissive actions (how long have I said to myself and others things like "he's really a good man, he doesn't really mean that, he's just in a lot of pain, he really does love me/the kids", blah, blah, blah............) It means stopping the natural instinct I have to assume that either me or the kids really do mean something to him, something that he's just not able to express but must surely feel. If we do (and I believe that we do to the degree that he is able to feel those feelings)........I've come to accept that really, it's not enough for me, nor is it good for me. I know for a fact that it is not good enough for my children..........both him while ruled by addiction and me while ruled by my addiction to him.

"Forgiving" is RELEASING the hope of changing the past, of changing him, of changing circumstances to coerce him into being who I think he is capable of or 'should' be..........releasing the hold I have given him on me..........and saying goodbye to the dark side of me that has surfaced in my relationship with him. I've now given a decade of my life, and to a large degree my children's lives, to him...........and he really wasn't even there emotionally the majority of the time.

I disagree with someone who recently said something to the effect that forgiveness only comes when one gets down on their knees, repeatedly, and prays for the other person's salvation........with all due respect, screw that! I'll get down on my knees and pray for me or for my children, for strength to overcome my flaws and for their happiness despite the mockery that has been made of the nuclear family that they were promised. I'll pray that the love that they were all given so abundantly early in their lives (by BOTH of us) was adequate for them to KNOW on a gut level what that love feels like and to find it for themselves. I'll pray that I will become the example of what strength and serenity looks like. As far as praying for his salvation, I've long since relinquished my misguided belief that it was my role to "save" him, to rescue him, to inspire him. I'll continue practicing the art of "getting out of the way" and trusting that there is a plan for him that he is 100% responsible for........and if he chooses to do some knee-bending praying for himself that is his choice, and his alone. I don't even profess to know that praying is the 'right' answer for him (or anyone else for that matter)........it's not my call to make.

A friend and I were discussing this today, and this analogy came up in conversation and it seems so appropriate. By no means am I calling my husband, the father of my children, the man I married a "dog" nor was he a "pet", but this analogy DOES seem to fit (and please don't bash me for this!) There is a difference between a stray dog and a feral dog. Strays were once family pets. Since they were socialized in the past, they are usually willing to accept handling fairly soon after being trapped. They may need to be trapped if they have been living on their own for a period of time, during which they may have learned to be wary of some people. After eating a few meals, and making some new human and dog friends, most strays will become pets again. For a long time, my "domesticated" husband was getting to be more like a stray........he would return and he could be loving. A feral may never be able to enjoy human touch and companionship. When people take ferals into their homes, the dogs often have good social skills with other dogs and are willing to be part of a dog group living in a home. Some are even willing to use a dog door to eliminate outside. But, they often hide if a human enters the room. Most ferals can be handled for necessary medical needs such as sedation for surgeries, blood draws for tests or sedation for grooming. feral dogs live wherever there is habitat and a food source. Most commonly, they live in parks, under abandoned buildings, in rural wooded areas, beneath freeways, etc. They live in hiding, and are often seen only at a distance. They generally move about during the times when humans are indoors – in the evening, night and early morning hours. The adult dogs are primarily silent, since drawing attention to themselves often brings danger. Many ferals are seen by the general public as either dangerous or diseased. How can a feral dog be helped? In general, feral dogs should remain in their original outdoor environment. You can help the dogs by setting up and maintaining feeding stations, and by providing shelter, such as dog houses, for them. You can also improve their lives by doing trap/neuter/return (TNR). TNR involves trapping the dogs; transporting them to a veterinarian to be vaccinated, treated for parasites, and spayed or neutered; and returning them to their home environment. Spay/neuter prevents the dogs from breeding, and it also reduces wandering and fighting. This is the most accurate description of how a loving husband seems to his family once meth addiction takes root. While I have a kind heart (I really do)........and I may feel for the dog and provide it some water and a meal.........you can be damned sure I'm not putting out my hand for fear of being bitten and it's a healthy fear/precaution. The dog wouldn't "mean" to, it would be instinctual. And God only knows where that dog has been. But he doesn't belong in our family, especially with lives and hearts at stake.

So, this is where my head is at, a year after learning that meth was part of our life, a year into our separation, and on our 10th wedding anniversary. Damn.

Posted: 06/27/2011 6:21 AM

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~Stages of Meth Use~
  1. Try it
  2. Like it
  3. Love it
  4. Give up everything that matters for it.
  5. Lie for it.
  6. Steal for it.
  7. Beg for it.
  8. Lose your self respect for it.
  9. Lose your soul for it.
  10. Die for it. 

.

Posted: 06/26/2011 5:16 PM

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The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One
The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One Many people who have loved an addict have felt like they were going insane from all the chaos, worry, regret, fear, anger, confusion and more that comes with caring for someone who is in active drug addiction. It seems reasonable that if the addict would just stop using, everything would return to normal and a happy life would resume. There is usually more going on though. There are chemical changes happening not just in the brain of the addict, but also in the brain of the loved one. "What? I'm not the crazy one! The addict in my life is the only one going crazy, not me!" That isn't always true. The chemical changes in the brain of a loved one should be understood to help speed recovery. Chemical changes in the brain of someone who is constantly in a state of stress, fear, anxiety and anger are not insignificant and are accompanied by withdrawal symptoms just like an addict who stops using. The brain uses chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, to allow us to feel feelings. Hunger, thirst, desire, satisfaction, frustration, fear and every human emotion are felt by the activity of chemical messengers in the brain. The most important messenger in this situation is norepinephrine (also knows as adrenaline). Norepinephrine is known as the "fight or flight" chemical messenger. This chemical is what causes us to feel a rush of energy when faced with a dangerous situation. Proper activity and levels of this messenger help humans get and keep themselves safe from harm. This chemical gives us the super-human abilities to outrun an attacker or think quickly in an emergency. When a dangerous situation is perceived, norepinephrine is released in the brain. Receptors in the brain have "parking spaces" for the chemical to "park" in, which deliver the message. Once the chemical is plugged in, we feel a burst of energy, and a drive to get ourselves safe, take action, run or fight. After the event is over, the messenger is released from the parking spot, and recycled to use again later. We begin to feel calmer and safer. The rush subsides. Heart rates return to normal. The feelings of fear and anxiety subside. This happens all the time in all healthy humans. But the human brain does not like constant stimulation. As soon as we are excited from a chemical message, the brain goes to work to return levels to normal. There are several mechanisms that work to do this. First, the chemicals are picked up by "reuptake" chemicals. Think of them like a tow truck. They are constantly floating around, looking for a chemical to tow back home. Recycling the chemicals restores levels to normal. If constant stimulation occurs, causing constant chemical messages, recycling isn't enough. So the brain, in its effort to regain a normal balance, will begin destroying the chemicals permanently. If we are constantly in fight or flight mode, the brain determines that we have too many "fight or flight" messengers, so destroys them. For someone who actually has too much adrenaline in their brain, this is helpful. But for someone who is constantly in a situation where they really are put under stress, and are triggered to respond to fear over and over, the destruction of their chemical messengers begins to cause a brain chemistry imbalance. There is a third mechanism that the brain uses to restore balance. After recycling and destroying the messenger chemicals, if the brain is still being over-stimulated, it will destroy the parking spaces that the chemicals plug into. These are called dendrites. Once a dendrite is destroyed, it can not be repaired. It will never again receive the chemical message it was designed to receive. It is like yanking out the phone cord of a phone that won't stop ringing. It will never ring again. When a loved one is in a constant state of worry and fear, the brain first experiences stimulation. It feels imperative for the loved one to take action, sometimes desperate action, in an attempt to remedy the fearful situation. If this stimulation continues day after day, the brain can not tolerate the constant stimulation and starts taking action to regain balance. Adrenaline is destroyed. Receptors are destroyed. This is when the insanity of being a loved one really takes off. The loved one is no longer chemically balanced. Several things happen at this point: Things that used to signal danger no longer feel so dangerous. There simply aren't enough "danger" chemicals or receptors to accurately convey the appropriate feelings. At this point loved ones may begin accepting very dangerous situations as OK. For example they may feel it is a good idea to track down a loved one at a dealer's house, or accept a loved one who is violent and abusive in their home. They may make a choice to allow a dangerous person to be around their children. This is not because the loved one just isn't making good choices. More accurately it is because their brain chemistry has been altered by the constant chaos, and they no longer have the right feelings that would initiate safe choices. Unacceptable behavior doesn't feel as truly dangerous as it is. Still, some loved ones are aware enough to know they should stop being in a dangerous situation. When the loved one stops contact with the addict in their life, that is when withdrawal sets in. Withdrawal occurs when the brain is accustomed to a particular level of chemical activity, and that level is suddenly reduced. A loved one who has become accustomed to constant stimulation from fear and concern, who then suddenly finds themselves in a safe, calm environment, will feel withdrawal because their brains have adjusted to a high level of adrenaline. Withdrawal symptoms cause the loved one to feel quite uncomfortable. They will feel sad, have sleep problems, and feel that something is missing or just not quite right. This will cause the loved one to feel a desire to reach back out to the chaos they were accustomed to. The chaos will cause a hit of adrenaline to occur. This is the exact same cycle that an active drug addict goes through: stimulation followed by withdrawal. Withdrawal feelings cause a desire to be stimulated again, because the brain does not like extremes. Because the loved one who has undergone chemical changes has lower than normal adrenaline activity in the brain, they will crave stimulation. They will feel an overwhelming desire to "check on" the addict, or to take a phone call even though they know it will not have the end result of a pleasant conversation. They will engage in arguments that they know have no possibility of being resolved while the addict in their life is still in active addiction. The will feel drawn back to the fear and worry they just escaped. An extreme example of this is seen when a battered spouse continues to return to their abuser despite having other options. This is the brain chemistry side of the chaos cycle of being a loved one. So does it ever get better? Yes! It absolutely can get better. The human body can make more adrenaline, to replace what was destroyed when under constant stress. Not quickly, but slowly, it can replenish the levels of adrenaline so that the person feels normal, without needing chaos in their life to achieve a balance. The human body makes neurochemicals from our food intake. A healthy, protein rich diet gives the body the building blocks it needs to make more adrenaline. Regular light exercise, a normal sleep pattern, a safe environment, and a healthy diet will help the brain recover. Lori Pate B.A Psychology University of Texas at Austin

Posted: 06/24/2011 5:26 PM

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"Hope" rests at the bottom of Pandora's box
"Hope" rests at the bottom of Pandora's box I have a box of letters from my soon to be ex...........love letters written to me when we first became something, and many written to me throughout the past decade of marriage. I cherished them, and I believed each and every word.......even though the words ceased being in harmony with his actions many years ago. I hoped that there would come a day that the words on those pieces of paper became real. And then I hoped some more. I no longer hope, but I still do cherish how I felt when I believed those words. Many would advise throwing them away now, or ceremoniously burning them or something equally dramatic as a gesture. I'll keep them.........for now anyway.........tucked inside the pretty box. I've learned to compartmentalize them (the letters and their content). They have all gone into one box, and I continue to add to it as I come across more while unpacking from my move and cleaning out things. The box has a home now. The words have a home in my heart and brain, but these are compartments that I pretty much keep under lock and key. Reading them, or thinking too much about them, only seems to bring about either hope or sadness........neither of which I can deal with where he is concerned anymore. In classic Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her, so he did—using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents: Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion. The gods also gave her the gift of curiosity. Her name Pandora means "all-giving." When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora was given a beautiful box which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her curiosity given to her by the gods, Pandora opened the box-jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing that lay at the bottom, which was Hope. Pandora was deeply saddened by what she had done, and was afraid that she would have to face Zeus' wrath, since she had failed her duty. However, Zeus did not punish her, because he knew this would happen. Hmmm............I have a few questions for Zeus.

Posted: 06/22/2011 8:11 PM

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And Another
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am a addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.

The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.

I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.

Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.

Passion
Recovering addict
__________________
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
 

Posted: 06/22/2011 6:44 AM

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Addiction...

I felt it was time to post this again for some of the new members.  Hope it helps those that are struggling with loved ones' addictions.

Addiction...
Editor's Note:  This piece was an anonymous submission but considering it's hard - hitting content we chose to publish it, certainly worth reading and perhaps these words will help you or someone you love.
The Editor,
I've come to visit once again, I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually and socially.  I want to make you restless so you can never relax.  I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious.  I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable.  I want you confused and depressed so that you can't think clearly and positively.  I want to make you hate everything and everybody, especially yourself.  I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are.  I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but ME for the way things are.  I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible.  I want to wake you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all.  I want you to wake during all hours of the night screaming for me.  You know you can't sleep without me.  I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you think about every morning and the last thing you think about before you black out.  I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough to put you back in the hospital, another institution, or jail.  But you know I'll be waiting for you when you get out.  I love to watch you slowly going insane.  I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you.  I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, and when you wake up with sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amusing to watch you ignore yourself, not eating, not sleeping, even your personal hygiene.  Yes, it's amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time, work on  your brain destroying it bit by bit.  I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless jobs you've sacrificed for me.  All the friends that you cared deeply for, you gave up for me.  And what's more, the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions - I'm even more grateful!
And especially, your loved ones, your family, the most important people in the world to you.  You even threw them away for me.  I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me.  You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me.  But do not despair, my friend, for on me you can always depend.  For after you lost all these things, you can still depend on me to make even more.  You can depend on me to keep you in a living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul.  For I will be not satisfied until  you are dead.
Forever Yours,
Your Addiction
 

Posted: 06/22/2011 6:41 AM

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Forgiveness and the Feral Dog
Forgiveness and the Feral Dog ?"Forgiveness comes when you lose the hope of changing the past" - unknown I "forgive" only because I'm tired of his actions negatively affecting me. I forgive to the extent that I am trying to accept that I cannot change the past, and wishing I could has kept me handcuffed. I forgive because NOT forgiving only keeps me entwined in the dysfunction of this relationship. I actually think I may be forgiving myself more than I'm forgiving him........for loving and needing him so much that I stopped doing what was best for me and my children, and for playing right into this game I didn't realize I was even in that turned the best of me into the worst of me (some may understand that).......and not realizing my part in all of this until it nearly took my life. I forgive him because to continue to be hurt by his actions, his apathy, his lack of empathy, his narcissism is to continue to hurt myself. I've come to learn that "he" doesn't do it to me intentionally (well, sometimes he does, but the majority of the time he is just being who he now is........perhaps who he always has been deep down). I CHOSE to see the best in him. I still do at times, because that feels much better to me. I loved who I believed him to be. "Forgiving" him does not, by any means, mean forgetting. It DOES mean not dwelling on it........it means getting on with a life that I hold hope for being once again beautiful and serene and joyous. It means being able to look at him, spend some time with him when I need to or the kids need to without becoming all emotionally entangled (still struggling with that, especially on days like today, our 10th anniversary). It means keeping myself in emotional "check" when I even start to think that there is any more here than what meets the eye. It means to quit reading a higher meaning into his blatantly dismissive actions (how long have I said to myself and others things like "he's really a good man, he doesn't really mean that, he's just in a lot of pain, he really does love me/the kids", blah, blah, blah............) It means stopping the natural instinct I have to assume that either me or the kids really do mean something to him, something that he's just not able to express but must surely feel. If we do (and I believe that we do to the degree that he is able to feel those feelings)........I've come to accept that really, it's not enough for me, nor is it good for me. I know for a fact that it is not good enough for my children..........both him while ruled by addiction and me while ruled by my addiction to him. "Forgiving" is RELEASING the hope of changing the past, of changing him, of changing circumstances to coerce him into being who I think he is capable of or 'should' be..........releasing the hold I have given him on me..........and saying goodbye to the dark side of me that has surfaced in my relationship with him. I've now given a decade of my life, and to a large degree my children's lives, to him...........and he really wasn't even there emotionally the majority of the time. I disagree with someone who recently said something to the effect that forgiveness only comes when one gets down on their knees, repeatedly, and prays for the other person's salvation........with all due respect, screw that! I'll get down on my knees and pray for me or for my children, for strength to overcome my flaws and for their happiness despite the mockery that has been made of the nuclear family that they were promised. I'll pray that the love that they were all given so abundantly early in their lives (by BOTH of us) was adequate for them to KNOW on a gut level what that love feels like and to find it for themselves. I'll pray that I will become the example of what strength and serenity looks like. As far as praying for his salvation, I've long since relinquished my misguided belief that it was my role to "save" him, to rescue him, to inspire him. I'll continue practicing the art of "getting out of the way" and trusting that there is a plan for him that he is 100% responsible for........and if he chooses to do some knee-bending praying for himself that is his choice, and his alone. I don't even profess to know that praying is the 'right' answer for him (or anyone else for that matter)........it's not my call to make. A friend and I were discussing this today, and this analogy came up in conversation and it seems so appropriate. By no means am I calling my husband, the father of my children, the man I married a "dog" nor was he a "pet", but this analogy DOES seem to fit (and please don't bash me for this!) There is a difference between a stray dog and a feral dog. Strays were once family pets. Since they were socialized in the past, they are usually willing to accept handling fairly soon after being trapped. They may need to be trapped if they have been living on their own for a period of time, during which they may have learned to be wary of some people. After eating a few meals, and making some new human and dog friends, most strays will become pets again. For a long time, my "domesticated" husband was getting to be more like a stray........he would return and he could be loving. A feral may never be able to enjoy human touch and companionship. When people take ferals into their homes, the dogs often have good social skills with other dogs and are willing to be part of a dog group living in a home. Some are even willing to use a dog door to eliminate outside. But, they often hide if a human enters the room. Most ferals can be handled for necessary medical needs such as sedation for surgeries, blood draws for tests or sedation for grooming. feral dogs live wherever there is habitat and a food source. Most commonly, they live in parks, under abandoned buildings, in rural wooded areas, beneath freeways, etc. They live in hiding, and are often seen only at a distance. They generally move about during the times when humans are indoors – in the evening, night and early morning hours. The adult dogs are primarily silent, since drawing attention to themselves often brings danger. Many ferals are seen by the general public as either dangerous or diseased. How can a feral dog be helped? In general, feral dogs should remain in their original outdoor environment. You can help the dogs by setting up and maintaining feeding stations, and by providing shelter, such as dog houses, for them. You can also improve their lives by doing trap/neuter/return (TNR). TNR involves trapping the dogs; transporting them to a veterinarian to be vaccinated, treated for parasites, and spayed or neutered; and returning them to their home environment. Spay/neuter prevents the dogs from breeding, and it also reduces wandering and fighting. This is the most accurate description of how a loving husband seems to his family once meth addiction takes root. While I have a kind heart (I really do)........and I may feel for the dog and provide it some water and a meal.........you can be damned sure I'm not putting out my hand for fear of being bitten and it's a healthy fear/precaution. The dog wouldn't "mean" to, it would be instinctual. And God only knows where that dog has been. But he doesn't belong in our family, especially with lives and hearts at stake. So, this is where my head is at, a year after learning that meth was part of our life, a year into our separation, and on our 10th wedding anniversary. Damn.

Posted: 06/22/2011 1:06 AM

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Serenity

I met this man 9 years ago.  I felt for him.  His common law wife left him with 4 kids.  He convienced me he loved me and so did the kids, I ended up loving them all.  The youngest was 4 at the time. I gave them everything and did everything for them.  Maybe I wanted them to love me.  I don't know anymore.  The kids turned on me and their dad 3 years ago and went and lived with their mom.  We had rules and she did not.  They would be respectful one day and the next they would call and tell me they hated me.  Their dad became a addicted and it was my fault.  He slept around on me and it was my fault.  He died and it was my fault.  He lost everything that was important to me on his addictions.  I fought to save him, but they could care less.  They don't see that at all.  They have no idea what I went through for 3 years.  I have forgiven him for the drama he put me through because I have to let go so I can live.  I guess it just really bothers me to think what I had done for those children and I want to spread their fathers ashes as a family but they want them all and not to have me or his family around when they do it.  I have the ashes and today refuse to give them to them as their mother wants to be there with just the children.  Well she was not his wife.  I was.  I just don't know what to do.  Right now they stay with me and in court but it is so sad to think that we have to go to this extreme.  Hugs brenda

Posted: 06/21/2011 12:57 PM

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Good Bye Mr. Cocaine

 Dear Mr. Cocaine

        For so many years you had me tied up and cowering inside of myself.  You had managed to take EVERYTHING that I held dear.  My life and the lives of my family   you left in shambles.

I once thought you were my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD!    What a LIE that was!!

 I thought you gave me COMFORT???? WHAT A CROC THAT WAS!!!!

You melted the pounds off me til I was no more than an 118lb skeleton,  being YOUR FRIEND MADE me physically sick.. ALL THE TIME!  AND  the times  I  didn't  feel  sick, were too short lived to have noticed them.   I AM FREE NOW!!!! YOU WILL NOT CONQUER ME AGAIN!!!  The people I thought to be forever lost to me are starting to come back.   YAYYYYYY!!!!   It takes time and effort to start loving yourself and to have others become comfortable with your recovery  BUT  - I take it -  ONE DAY AT A TIME AND I don't try to do it for ANYONE ELSE!!!! ME IS WHO MATTERS MOST....in my recovery.  I have me BACK!! I don't know who that is at times but I will be patient on this new journey, I'm learning everyday  how to cope without drugs to numb me.   IN FACT I AM THANKFUL THAT I'M NOT USING... THANK YOU CREATOR FOR MY LIFE AND THE WONDERFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE NOW 

Posted: 06/20/2011 8:30 AM

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