Creative Corner

Let Me Fall All By Myself

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my *** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion

I feel it's time to repost some of my favorites...

Fear not for I who was will be again,

and when time provides the guide,

I will spring forth with deadly aim,

And bring tumbling down Satans Guise,

I will leave him broke and damaged,

I will stand victorious once more.

I will give you voice to reason,

I will give you talent to praise,

I will remove the blinders of season,

And bring forth a bright new day.

I give you my solemn promise,

This time is close at hand,

Believe in my power inside you,

And the power of belief will be your guide for all of time.

Listen to the visions I give you.

Believe in yourself & you believe in me. Help others & do as best you can... You will overcome any adversity just believe in the power that you have locked inside you by sin and hate and fear... Let go of worldly wants & desires & pray for a view of the world the way you choose... The end is near, how will you choose to be remembered...

 take off the blinders! turn off Mtv! Wake up! Wake up to your demonic disease! your superstars fooled you! corporations schooled you! politics don't give a damn! and your friends are bamboozled! 

wake up to see what others can! wake up to be what none understand! wake up and touch what they think they can't grab! wake up the world!

I have lost the path.

I have come to a dead end.

It's either the good or the bad.

 Sobriety or Wickedness. 

 Because I feel wicked.  This is a never ceasing cycle that doesn't seem to want to end.

 Do I want IT?                       Yeah, I want it!

 Will I get IT?                         I am unsure now.         

 I may be past the point.  I may be a helpless cause. I feel like a LOSER.  I want to be right...and normal.  Will this ever occur?

This is the end result and the feelings of a almost hopeless, desperate methamphetamine addict.  To think that I once had trouble even spelling that word.  I never thought it would become my cheating, soul-diminishing lover.  I never thought I would ever do the dance with TINA.

Bring it on Will    : )

 So, despite all the things you told me on the phone - that I am paranoid because it seems to me you are seeing someone else when you are away; and, that I am insecure!  You arrive at 11 p.m., on a Saturday night.   I am dressed up and anxious to have a great weekend and you watch TV and drink.

You yell "what the f  k is wrong with you" when I drive on the right side of the road (to avoid some pot holes) and reach in my glove box when I am driving - that I am a terrible driver.  There is little traffic in this small town and I have gotten a bit lax so I am paying more attention!  

But, I did keep your property in great order - you rarely did anything when you were here - never weeded.  I cleaned all the windows in your house, cleaned the hard wood floors, etc., when you were drinking and/or sleeping.  None of that seems to work in my favor!  

I have never been with a full blown alcoholic who drinks from the time he wakes up - sleeps and drinks again.  It boggles my mind that you point at me for being "without common sense or intelligence!"

I am working on me - it will take time - I can't believe there is no apology and you think you are perfect.

What Is REAL Addiction Recovery?

I was doing my usual thing on the world’s most famous social website the other day – just cruising along, checking out addiction recovery groups and reading peoples’ comments on the topic, when something disturbing caught my eye. So disturbing, it stopped me in my tracks and forced me to think about the true meaning of recovery. A member of one group went out of his way to post a photo of someone who works in addiction recovery and labeled this person as a murderer. He called the person a lot of other names, as well, but most of them were too obscene to repeat. You might be asking yourself why anyone would do such a thing – especially, a fellow addict in recovery. Well, from all appearances, the poster’s hate-filled attack against this so-called “murderer” was because the counselor uses a psychology-based, non-12 Step approach to treating addiction. This alternative to most conventional programs apparently challenged the poster’s view of recovery. He used slander and defamation of character as ways to convince others that his view of recovery is superior. Sometimes, fire scares caveman.

So what, exactly, is recovery? That’s a tough one. Recovery means different things to different people, depending on what level of sobriety each of us has reached. Someone that quit drinking or using drugs three weeks go is just beginning to view life with a new perspective, while someone with 27 years in recovery has moved way beyond that point. Or, should have, at least. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Addiction recovery is a process. Becoming an addict doesn’t happen overnight, and neither does recovery. Many would say addiction is an incurable disease and that every addict must forever remain in a state of recovery. Others disagree and claim to have made a full recovery and are no longer an addict. While the 12 Steps are the most popular method, many addicts have recovered using alternative approaches, such as psychotherapy, holistic healing, or even healed themselves using sheer willpower. The truth is, people vary, and there is no one-size-fits-all method of addiction recovery. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.

Therein, lies the confusion. So, how do we define recovery? Sometimes, it’s easier to define what something is by first eliminating what it is not.

Recovery is NOT –

·      Criticizing another’s path to sobriety

·      Claiming to be an expert about recovery, and which approach works best

·      Preaching from the recovery pulpit

·      Spreading resentment, anger and hate

·      Beating one another over the head with our own beliefs and opinions

·      Talking the talk without walking the walk

Recovery IS –

·      Acceptance of our own flaws and weaknesses, as well as those of others

·      Open-mindedness to views different from our own

·      Humility – one of the greatest gifts we can receive as recovering addicts, along with learning to appreciate the true meaning of words like gratitude, serenity, inner peace, and forgiveness

·      Moving forward in a positive direction, while helping others do the same

·      Respect - for ourselves and for others

One thing most addicts in recovery can agree with is that addiction is a cold, lonely pit of darkness, at least for those that have hit bottom. Rather than climbing over one another to escape the pit, we ought to join hands and help pull one another to safety. That is the true meaning of recovery.

Dan Farish

Author – 3 Steps To Recovery

www.3stepstorecovery.com

I worry myself and you guys with the problems of our family's addict so much, I would like to take a little space to talk about my addict's brother. My baby boy.

My youngest son CJ is a 5'10 160 lbs. blonde haired blue eyed georgous guy. He is very good looking and an oustanding son, friend, grandchild, cousin, worker and has the gentlest spirit I know.  He is 22  and has a great head on his shoulders and a very kind, forgiving heart. He can be brutally honest and has a very wicked sense of humor.

CJ loves his mama. He has been of tremendous support to me in this past year of turmoil. He worries about my health and state of mind, he has taken off work to carry me to Dr.'s appointments. He calls or texts to just say hi  and I love you Mama. When he is out with friends, enjoying his life he will call to say I'm all right please dont worry. He has dried plenty of tears, cheered me up with jokes and funny stories and just held me when I have been at my weakest . CJ has woke me up removing my glasses, and covering me up with a blanket and  a kiss. I could go on for quite awhile with his kindnesses and stability he offers but I dont want to sound like a personal ad.

I just wanted to start my day with a positive note. See now I feel better. Smiling through happy tears. CJ swells my heart with joy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_PRa_fIVWI

Dear Lord: here’s a prayer for my son.

He is so imperfect, because you are not done.

Heal him Lord for he is so ill,

He has forsaken us both and forgotten your will.

Help him Dear Lord , please touch his heart

For too long ,have we been apart.

Keep him Lord in the palm of your hand

That he is loved, help him understand.

Lord I beg you to lessen his pain,

May he know there is so much to gain.

For a long time he has lived in pure hell,

Whisper now Lord as he sits in a cell.

Love him Dear Lord in the days to come.

Help him my Lord find his way home.