Confessions

I am still here, just so busy! I am still working in an adolescent behavioral and addiction rehab. It's is challenging and very stressful. Working on my Addiction counseling certificate. My AD, Melissa is clean and sober since Aug 2011 and in her 2nd year of law school, internships and speaking engagements , giving back. Homeless heroin addict near death to lawyer, it's a great story that we both continue to tell. There is always hope.

Action #7: Stop Being a Control Freak "The most painful truth that a parent of an addict, and especially a mother, will face is - that we are powerless to save our children from themselves. So, we stand at a crossroads with only 2 choices - either spiral into darkness, or stand up and fight. Parents of addicts - choose life!" ~ Valerie Silveira, Author & Speaker

http://www.commonsnews.org/site/site05/story.php?articleno=11929&page=1#.VlHI9l88LCT Great article, an excerpt: They are human. They were kids. Before my friends were junkies, they were your kid's best friend, left wing on the soccer team, homecoming queen. By the time most people can admit they have a problem, they are already in handcuffs. There needs to be a change in the way people look at and treat addicts. MOLLY OSOWSKI, age 20, originally wrote this piece as a letter to the DA and the judge for her ex-boyfriend’s case. Originally published in The Commons issue #299 (Wednesday, April 1, 2015). This story appeared on page D1. If you'd like to share this story on your website, please feel free to do so with credit to The Commons and a link back to commonsnews.org. I HAVE BEEN LUCKY to be able to keep a safe enough distance from heroin, but many people I grew up with were not so fortunate. Most of my friends got hooked on dope when they were 15, 16, and 17 years old.

Action #6: Adjust Your Focus "When your nose is pressed up against the window of somebody else’s life and it looks perfect, they probably haven’t cleaned their windows in a while. " ~ Valerie Silveira

The things we do for love The Things We Do For Love October 25, 2015Codependency, Enabling, Letting Go, Love, Self-LoveValerie Silveira The Things We Do for Love By Valerie Silveira, Author “Still Standing After All the Tears: Putting Back the Pieces After All Hell Breaks Loose” www.AddictsFamily.com October 25, 2015 I heard an old song the other day, “The Things We Do For Love.” I got to thinking about the things mothers of addicts do “for love.” We lie. Yes, not just the addicts, we lie too. We lie to ourselves about how bad things are, or that we have some magic ability to save them. We lie to the people around us. You tell a friend, “She’s doing better,” when you know she isn’t. A family member ask how you are, and you say, “I am doing fine,” when your world is falling apart. I lied to my husband, for his own good, I rationalized. I didn’t want him to know that I had opened my wallet one more time, after we agreed that I wouldn’t. We spend years teaching our children to be honest; insisting upon it in our relationships. Then our children are in the belly of their drug addiction Beast, and we start to lie. We make excuses. Mothers of addicts are professional excuse makers. I made excuses for my daughter’s behavior, or lack of action that shocked me just as the words escaped my mouth. We spend money we don’t have. I once put my daughter’s rehab on two credit cards. Of course, at that time, I would have sold blood, or given up a lung to try saving her. How many times have you paid off your child’s tickets, court fees, or given them money in lieu of using those funds for something else you needed? We allow danger into our lives. I hear all the time that addiction is a disease and we should support the addict just as we would if they had another disease. The problem with that argument is that drug addiction causes the “patient” to lie, cheat, steal, and yes, to invite danger into their lives. When the danger enters their lives, it enters ours as well. Would you ever invite a drug dealer into your home, or a gang member, or someone you know you cannot trust in your home? Of course not. I unknowingly allowed a drug dealer, gang member and someone I couldn’t trust into my home. He stole from us, shot my daughter, and changed my life forever – not for the better. I spoke with a mom not too long ago who explained that her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend were living in their basement. They began to smell something that they identified as heroin. Her daughter and the much older boyfriend were smoking heroin in her home! This mother would never have allowed anyone to smoke heroin in her home, yet she found herself unable to put a stop to it. We allow ourselves to be abused. Thankfully, Jordan has never been physical with me. However, she has abused me verbally on several occasions. Worse than that, I have allowed her to manipulate me. I have put up with her lies and attempts to convince me that there was something wrong with me, in an attempt to twist the facts. I allowed by own daughter to emotionally abuse me for years, something I would have never tolerated from anyone else. We choose our addicted child over our other children and our spouses. Most moms would walk over hot coals for their children but as moms of addicts, we wind up choosing our addict over our other children, our spouses, and importantly, ourselves. On a couple of occasions, I attempted to rationalize my focus on Jordan over Sean by explaining to Sean a familiar biblical story – the Prodigal Son. In principle, I understand and agree with the concept in the story. Sean is very bright and he understood as well, but as the non-prodigal child, he was angry. We can tell ourselves whatever we want. We may be physically present in our other children’s lives, but most of us have put our addicted child way before our other children, not just physically, but emotionally, financially and mentally. We live in chaos and drama. I had a fair share of chaos and drama as a child, and I have worked hard to live in a world that is far from both chaos and drama. I made sure that my children lived in a peaceful home, feeling safe and secure. Mission accomplished, until the Drug Addiction Beast showed up. Slowly but surely, my life became filled with chaos and drama. When our children become addicted to drugs, they change. Gone our little girls and boys, who are replaced by one who lies, cheats, steals, and manipulates. Your adolescent, teenager or adult child reverts to a toddler who want their way, no matter what. Standing before you is a stranger, willing to do or say anything to get more drugs. Our children change when they become drug addicts; when they are controlled by the Drug Addiction Beast, and we step into their chosen life of chaos and drama. We change too, when our Codependent Enabler Beast moves in with us. We trade all that we have worked hard to become, to maintain, and accomplish. We no longer live in peace and security. We seldom find joy, balance, and happiness. We sacrifice our health. Instead of living the life we want and deserve, we choose a life of lies, excuses, danger, chaos, drama, financial burden, and choosing our addict over the other people we love. After more than a decade, I woke up I realized how insane this way of life had become. I made a choice to begin loving myself again, and to love the others in my life at least as much as I love Jordan. I changed the things I do for love. How about you?

My AD has been in a Substance abuse treatment facility-halfway house for the past six weeks.

It has been a great joy in my life to have our weekly visits, for I know the child I love is with me.

I also know she could be gone tomorrow, so it makes our visits so much sweeter.

I am just rrying to live one day at a time.

Action #4: Build Your Circle of Strength "When your battle is won, the people that you expected to be standing with you, may not be there. You may be bloodied & scarred, but you will be standing! And you will not be alone. When you look to your right and to your left, there will be a row of people standing shoulder to shoulder with you. Some of them you do not even know right now." ~ Valerie Silveira

For a minute, I want to imagine what my family would be like should my son cease addictive behaviors. My husband would be very happy and not ask for much more. I would be happy, but I would still have lots of disappointments. 1) He would still be at a disadvantage in the labor market; 2) still have health and learning problems; 3) still have the restraining order against approaching his sister, my daughter. My daughter does not anticipate any healing of her feelings toward her brother. Finally, I have to think about the last 15 to 20 years and all we have been through. The struggle has not brought me enlightenment or anything close. Instead, my chronic depression has been re-ignited and my family has been damaged. There is no computer that will restart the family back to when things started to go wrong. I do not feel as though I am special because I am being tested much less that I have passed some sort of metaphysical test and never will no matter what. I used to think of myself as a strong person and I think others thought of me that way too. What I have actually learned is that I am really rather fragile and that I spend a lot of time hiding that from other people. I spend a lot of time thinking about the past, find the thoughts intrusive. I wish I could be the person I was once. I realize that others here have worse problems, that many have worse problems, a thought that used to help me get a grip on unattractive qualities like self-pity. One thing that's good: my son has had the same job for two and a half years, he may be doing well, he's beginning to condemn others for being irresponsible and is becoming less irresponsible that he used to be. But he's still growing up slow and I'm getting old fast 68 years old next month. Are there stages to old age, one being giving up on all the people and things one cared about once?

Well im still here doing fair but still wondering why im still a fool u would think of all the **** I've been trough id be smart by know , so im wondering what is my purpose on this earth . I Keep doing the same crap , I must be retarded or mentally insane . This addiction seems like is winning in my stay on this earth I wish one day before I die I like to see my soul to be free just for me so I can say I have beaten the devil in me. Dog the addict To all my friends here hope you all are doing well.