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How do I help a crack addict?

My boyfriend is a crack addict. I have been trying to help him get treatment but he still refuses. We been together almost 3 years. I guess that I am a forever optimistic person.  I think I am just stupid to realize that he will never change without him wanting to change. He stays at my place once in a while because I feel it is a safe place for him to be so he won't be around his drug circle of friends. While he is at my place, he rests and eats - it actually looks as if he trying to change his life when he is at my place. He gets his strength back and smiles. But that all changes when he gets cash and he is out the door again for a week. Then he comes back. This is a routine that keeps happening with him and me. When do I give up on him and realize that he will never change? I just feel so bad because I feel if I push him out of my life, he will die because he has no one who REALLY cares for him. Should I feel guilty? He is bringing me down but I just don't know how to stop this cycle of him 'using' me. I care for him but he is bringing me down so much. Bummer! I just want it to stop but I am so scared.

Posted: 07/29/2011 3:22 PM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

Welcome Newbie, we are here to help. We will be caring, supportive and will answer your concerns honestly. You may not want to hear some things we say, but it will be said with compassion and truth. There will be others that will follow me with their replies.

I am not an addict. My adult son is a meth addict. Addiction is a terrible disease and the addict will destroy themselves and everyone around them. That is why it is important that you stop enabling him and start taking care of yourself. It is called detaching with love. If you do not do so you will continue to be brought down, it will have ill effects on your health and your sanity.

Remember: you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. Set up healthy boundaries for dealing with him or show him the door for good. He will drag you to the bottom with him if you let him.

Take care of yourself. Do some nice things for you. And please stop beating yourself up. His addiction is really out of your hands. He has to want change. His first love is crack.

Keep us posted. We care and we want to help you.

 

Posted: 07/29/2011 6:08 PM

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305 Thanks

In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

Crack addicts cannot carry cash and they cannot get bored....  If he wants to change he has to go to meetings; work till he drops; and give you (or another trusted friend) all of his money; and he must stay away from his drug buddies. 

From your post he is not doing any of those things...  He comes to your place to get warm and fed and then right back to it...

I am a big fan of addicts in recovery or addicts making an attempt to get clean... But he doesn't appear to me to be doing anything but abusing  your kindness..

RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: 07/29/2011 6:46 PM

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SOBER COACH
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In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

You have gotten some good and solid advice - trust it as it is all very true. You simply can't change him nor can you give him the willingness to change. Any change in him has got to come from him. As long as he knows that he can come and go as he pleases with you, he will continue to come and go until you say no. As long as he decides to stay active in his addiction and as long as you continue letting him use your residence as a bed and breakfast, this will be your life until one of you changes. The only one you can change is yourself. Unfortunately, his love is crack and I would strongly suggest that you start loving you... Go to some Naranon meetings - there you will acquire the tools you will need to detach from him and take care of yourself. Keep posting here and we will help you in any way that we can. We have all been affected by addiction in some way.

Posted: 07/29/2011 9:54 PM

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GURU
1148 Thanks

In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

There is no such thing as a "Crack" Addict or a "Meth" Addict or a "Heroin" Addict .......................................

The common word there is the key, he is an addict. Addiction is not about the drugs it is a disease of behaviors. Drug use is a symptom of the disease.

He's not going to die because no-one cares about him. The only way he's going to have the need to get clean is through suffering. Hopelessness,dispair and degredation are the keys to the door of recovery. That is the only way for an addict to get in.

Keep letting him "be safe" at your place so he can "get his strength back". You're helping his disease kill him every time you do it.

If he wants to get away from his  Druggy buddies he'll find a way to get into rehab so he can get some clean time and information.

Best wishes.

 

Posted: 07/30/2011 1:45 AM

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1333 Thanks

In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

Dear Newbie,

Great advice from everybody! I love it that you say youare forever optimistic,  Good for you.  Look around your apartment and imagine everything in it gone. Crack addicts need money all the time. Yours, his, your parents' your neighbors'.

Now imagine a dealer at your door at 2:30 am looking for your guy who promised him money for a 20 piece he smoked earlier.

Also, there maybe loads of people sitting on your floor one day when you come home.  And everything left in the apartment has burn marks on it.

I don't know what your life and peace and happiness is worth to you.  I hope it is a lot more than his so-called happiness.  My advice is to move without leaving a forwarding address.  You won't believe how quickly he will have latched on to another nice girl.

 

Posted: 07/30/2011 1:52 AM

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LIFECOACH
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In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

Basically, he blows all of his money on crack, then comes home to be with you for a free place to stay, and meals. Then come payday, he's off to his friends to blow every last thin dime, then back to the free bed and breakfast until next payday. Kick him out! Find a good hard working man who doesn't use at all!  If you are determined to keep him for some odd reason, he will have to change playmates and playgrounds. No more hanging with fellow users, and no more going to places he used. Period!

Posted: 07/30/2011 11:26 AM

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In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

Letting a person go is easier said than done. I try to give advice that will help the person make the best decisions for themselves. He has learned a survival pattern with you. You know it which is why you are feeling this way. You think he will die if you abandon him. Do you really? Or is that something that you say to give you an excuse to hold on. Just think about it for a while. I am a woman (getting older lol) and I am in a relationship with an addict. It is not the hunger and cold nights that I thought would kill him. That is what I TOLD myself when he was hungry, dirty and cold. It is actually the crack that will kill and we know it.

If you want to hold on no one can stop you. But if you are honest about the reasons that you hold on, the awareness will bring about better decisions. When he is there with you, you are not alone. He needs you when he is there so you feel wanted. He smiles which is nice affection. That is why you do it. You like how you feel when he is there. When he leaves you feel betrayed. He is not betraying you. You already know he is going to leave. You trick yourself into believing he will be so happy he will stay but it never works. He is an addict first, not your boyfriend first.

Again, it is truly your decision.

Posted: 08/01/2011 8:39 PM

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In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

 I can so relate to this woman. My boyfriend was clean for over 2 years. One year of that in prison for stealing a car while using crack! He seemed very changed, motivated, and I had only ever known him when he was clean. Well, we got in an argument, and he used. Then this became more than once, and yes, we argued, but it often felt like he was edgey, and provocative. I would bite and "blow up" then he took off, often for the whole night. The edgey, nasty moods were usually when he got money or was going to get money. To cut to the chase, I moved out of my own home and took all my valuables. I had a weird feeling it was headed to him stealing from me. And sadly I was right. I came by my house to feed my animals and the air conditioner was gone! He had no job to pay to replace it. I called the cops so he had a consequence. I had started al-anon, got a sponsor, and was sick of enabling him. Well when the cops came he said I hit him and a  witchy woman cop put me in handcuffs and roughed me up and I got to spend a couple of days in jail! They never even filed the stolen item report and he left town before I got out of jail. The state since dropped all charges against me. He has emailed me and he sounds very sorry and ashamed. That he is looking for a job. What I want to hear is that he is looking for treatment. He never says that. He says he should have gone to jail, not me. I miss him. The good him a lot. I cry. But I KNOW he cant move back in because my things I have worked hard for will go unless he shows he has stopped. That would take time. So to that lady who lets her boyfriend stay there.....hide your things. I NEVER thought my man would take anything from me. Would NEVER have believed it. But one night something weird happened and an expensive stand up airconditioner was gone and there were signs of a scuffle in my home! I have guessed that he owed money to a crack dealer and they followed him home. He wont talk about it. He had no car, so someone came with a car to move such a heavy thing...he was riding a bike that night. Yes, he has lost his license before. He has no car. Basically he has very little of value. I gave him a camera for Christmas which he loved and took so many photos on.....until a crack binge and that with so many pictures of me and our dog, two things he said he loved so very much...well it was gone for crack. I hate crack. I never knew anyone on it before. We are not kids either. I am 51 and he is 47. Its so sad. And sadder yet, is I miss him and wonder how he is and what he is doing. His tracfone is out of minutes...he emails me when he can get to a computer and says he is ashamed, sorry, and loves me....thank God he has not asked to move back in. I would like to see him but he cant live with me anymore. Its too crazy. So please be careful all you women who love a crack addict. Yes, I know, you wonder why am I with him. He has so many good qualities and he was so kind and good to me when he was clean....but will he ever be again???? I am trying to be good to myself. Got my hair done. Trying to eat better. See the good in myself and stop worrying so much about him.... thanks to for letting me vent

Posted: 10/15/2011 10:23 PM

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1 Thanks

In Response to: How do I help a crack addict?

 I can so relate to this woman. My boyfriend was clean for over 2 years. One year of that in prison for stealing a car while using crack! He seemed very changed, motivated, and I had only ever known him when he was clean. Well, we got in an argument, and he used. Then this became more than once, and yes, we argued, but it often felt like he was edgey, and provocative. I would bite and "blow up" then he took off, often for the whole night. The edgey, nasty moods were usually when he got money or was going to get money. To cut to the chase, I moved out of my own home and took all my valuables. I had a weird feeling it was headed to him stealing from me. And sadly I was right. I came by my house to feed my animals and the air conditioner was gone! He had no job to pay to replace it. I called the cops so he had a consequence. I had started al-anon, got a sponsor, and was sick of enabling him. Well when the cops came he said I hit him and a  witchy woman cop put me in handcuffs and roughed me up and I got to spend a couple of days in jail! They never even filed the stolen item report and he left town before I got out of jail. The state since dropped all charges against me. He has emailed me and he sounds very sorry and ashamed. That he is looking for a job. What I want to hear is that he is looking for treatment. He never says that. He says he should have gone to jail, not me. I miss him. The good him a lot. I cry. But I KNOW he cant move back in because my things I have worked hard for will go unless he shows he has stopped. That would take time. So to that lady who lets her boyfriend stay there.....hide your things. I NEVER thought my man would take anything from me. Would NEVER have believed it. But one night something weird happened and an expensive stand up airconditioner was gone and there were signs of a scuffle in my home! I have guessed that he owed money to a crack dealer and they followed him home. He wont talk about it. He had no car, so someone came with a car to move such a heavy thing...he was riding a bike that night. Yes, he has lost his license before. He has no car. Basically he has very little of value. I gave him a camera for Christmas which he loved and took so many photos on.....until a crack binge and that with so many pictures of me and our dog, two things he said he loved so very much...well it was gone for crack. I hate crack. I never knew anyone on it before. We are not kids either. I am 51 and he is 47. Its so sad. And sadder yet, is I miss him and wonder how he is and what he is doing. His tracfone is out of minutes...he emails me when he can get to a computer and says he is ashamed, sorry, and loves me....thank God he has not asked to move back in. I would like to see him but he cant live with me anymore. Its too crazy. So please be careful all you women who love a crack addict. Yes, I know, you wonder why am I with him. He has so many good qualities and he was so kind and good to me when he was clean....but will he ever be again???? I am trying to be good to myself. Got my hair done. Trying to eat better. See the good in myself and stop worrying so much about him.... thanks to for letting me vent

Posted: 10/15/2011 10:29 PM

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