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Follow up on my post from two days ago.
My family is in crisis today. Our son has been enraged over one thing or another ever since the bad review at work. Today, he told us that he is not going to pay rent because of a debt he incurred when we called paramedics about a suicide threat he made a few years back. It was a manipulative threat, but I felt I had no choice. He had health insurance at the time, but did not tell any one at the county hospital, hence a big bill now in collection. I got so angry that I sent him the following email with this as the title: "NO PHONE, NO WATER, NO GARBAGE PICK UP, NO GARDENER, NO CAR because of non-registration." In the text, I reminded him that I had broken off contact with my dead beat narcissistic alcoholic father in 1971 after not seeing him since 1962. My son will probably vandalize our house and I am so prepared to sell it "as is" afterwards. There go a couple of hundred thousand dollars. We've already lost $10,000 on it this year because of low rent, repair expenses, and payment of utilities. Meanwhile, my husband is puttering around our house and apparently hardly reacting to the crisis at all. You guys think I'm co-dependent -- compared to my husband I am the tough love champion of the universe. My husband's relationship to his brother was very like our relationship to our son...both of them (and the father of the brothers) organized their lives around drugs and/or alcohol (mostly drugs). I am so upset I am shaking with anger as I write this. At this point, I hardly care if my son gets into a 1,200-step program: I am done. I fear this may mean the end of my marriage, as my husband has always put the addicts in his life ahead of me and my daughter even though he loves us dearly. He cannot see how we are all being damaged. Time is all we have and so much of our time has been embittered and twisted already.
Posted: 11/04/2015 2:08 PM
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In Response to: Follow up on my post from two days ago. I agree..if he had valid coverage at the time of service they will submit the charges, leaving only deductibles & co-pay amounts. You also need to get an order of eviction..give your son 30 days to vacate the property..nobody can afford to kiss off hundreds of thousands of dollars. I imagine this rental property is helping secure the future for you & your husband. Also think of how your daughter must feel about the damage to her family..she is going to pull farther & farther away. I had to let my son sleep outside if that's all he could muster..as long as he was an active addict, things only got worse for all of us. The ONLY progress I have seen was when we COMPLETELY stepped out. Your son has been an adult for a long time..the time for half measures is OVER! Treat him as you would any other deadbeat, destructive tenant. 30 days to grow up..if he refuses to do that, the consequences are his, not yours, not your husband's and not your daughter. Go be the mom your daughter needs, live your life. You will probably be very surprised at the result. As my post above states..I sure am. But it may take time. He may suffer..his choice. Posted: 11/10/2015 10:11 AM
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In Response to: Follow up on my post from two days ago. I'm sorry but sending your son angry messages doesn't have any sort of effect on him. He doesn't care. I room use you this as I am a recovering addict and I understand where he's at. He's simply trying to get you worked up and trying to manipulate you and the angrier you get the more you're feeding into his drama. You are the parent, you are not his friend and you are not his therapist. You cannot show him your anger or resentment towards him. He is going to behave in whatever way he has to in order to manipulate you. If he doesn't want to pay rent then he needs to learn the hard way that when adults don't pay rent they simply do not have a place to live. Don't show him hostility, just stay calm and keep a cool head on your shoulders. Be firm on your position and proceed with whatever it takes to get him out or put guidelines out for him that are not to be broken. If he doesn't follow your guidelines then he doesn't deserve your kindness. You're strong and you are in control of what you choose to put up with. Don't enable, don't negotiate, and don't feed into his emotionally unstable manipulation tactics. He pays rent or he goes. Eventually he will hit his rock bottom and he will do what he has to in order to get his life together. That's how you show your love for him. Be there to love him... But know that you must maintain your happiness and distance yourself from his negativity. Focus on yourself and your marriage, he will just simply have to find out that their are consequences to his actions. Good luck.... Take a deep breath and be the best version of yourself you can be. You can't control him you can only control you! Posted: 02/04/2016 10:06 AM
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