Confessions

 Hi Everyone. I've posted several times previously regarding my 23 year old son Evan. Evan is a heroin addict. I have not had much of a relationship with him at all for the past 2 years. Sure there was lots of incidents with him thru out this time. But, after he did not successfully move past  a 1  week at a "halfway house in Dec....I had enough COMPLETELY. I've done everything I had told him I would do from day 1  of this nightmare. I thought that was the route to go. I told him if my suspicions were right...I would do all I could to save his life. I did that despite the repercussions that had the potential to arise. If he choose to hate me...so be it. I love, loved him enough to know I could live with his dislike of me. Evan has 2 heroin possession charges on his "resume". Both of those charges resulted in my home. I made the calls to the PD. I waited at the door( both times for the officers) . I handed bundles of heroin to them as well on (both occasions). I didn't warn him who was about to arrive. I watched him be searched,  saw more heroin recovered on his body as they cuffed him( both times).  All of this occurred almost 2  years ago. I intended to prove to him that I would not tolerate his poor choices. Back then, I assumed he would stop it right away. That my threats would magically turn his life around. He wouldn't continue. I now know it's not quite that simple. Yet, I don't feel defeated or "stupid" at my misgivings. When he would come around, I'd call the law on him. Just as I said I would. I changed my number because of him. If family betrayed me by giving him my numbers....I'd change it again. If he emailed me ...I forwarded to the PD. So, it's been almost 2  years , this "nightmare". But, the real , very definitive cutoff came in the fall before he did his 1st rehab stay, 33 days. I told him I wouldn't change anything I've been doing (relating) to him until he completed the rehab, successfully conquered his stay at the halfway house.  I talked with his therapist in Nov. @ rehab once I received notice in mail where Evan was , and learned there were questions the therapist wanted to ask me. I called rehab. I asked that therapist not give my number to Evan. He assured me he would not. But, he didn't follow through. Evan began calling me. I did not pickup each time. Occasionally...very rarely honestly. He sounded so good. When he made it to the halfway house...I was so hopeful. But, I know "hopeful". I've seen it before. Once he went to a detox for 5 days then home. My hope faded hours after he returned . Within 2  hours of his return ...I suspected..... I scanned his arms to confirm my suspicions. I didn't have a good visual of him. I saw all I needed to see when I went into the bathroom after he came out. My hope was lost the moment I saw the heroin bundles on my bathroom floor.  That incident is what lead him to his rehab , first try. Rehab came in the fall, he got kicked out of halfway house in Jan after a week. I may have now and then gave "into him" , communicating with him in the beginning. Once he was removed from halfway house....I really stuck to my "guns".  He was cut off in every way possible. That brings me to why I'm writing tonight's posting. After cutting him off fully , not trying to find him since his exit at halfway house he appeared with my brother , in front of my home the other morning. I have not spoken to my brother for months due to his disapproval of  my stance with Evan. Evans very first words to me that morning was " Mom, I didn't do anything really bad but ....can I have you back in my life"? I tell him . ABSOLUTELY not! I informed him ( that I'M) learning to live without him because of his poor choices.  My brother then gets out of car. He says to me " he found my son damn near dead in his bathroom several nights ago". I asked if  now" had my son staying with him". He looks at me and xxx says "yes, I love that boy. I can't be a *****" to him like you have been for months. At that moment, I normally "cave in, ask to much of this , that... begin reinvesting myself in all the details of this madness"'.  For once I said it loudly, proudly that no matter what he had to say to me...I'm confident in doing , saying what I want in relation to my son's sickness. I then told him " your love is only killing him. That roof over his head, that food he provides Evan is only comforting him, allowing himself to remain dependent on drugs , and the freedom to not worry about tomorrow. Until, Evan has been left to figure every aspect of life out on his own....a drug addict he will remain.  He continued to disagree with me . I continued to repeat once again how his love is only kidding him.  I shut the conversation down by reminding him ....I stand strong with my words. I wasn't about to change anything regarding Evan. I got the strength to do that because each of you. In the thoughts. expressed, words, stories shared on here...collectively it has given me the strength to all those who oppose my choices regarding my son. I'm not alone. I can assure you ...had it not be from this site, each of you all who have shared on here...I very much would be alone. It's as if everyone else in my life, family, friends walked away from my life. So, thank you all for being apart of this madness with me. It's so comforting!!! 

Again, thank you !

Posted: 05/25/2014 10:19 PM

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