Creative Corner

The following post is from Valerie who was having trouble with this posting correctly.

‎"Forgiveness comes when you lose the hope of changing the past" - unknown

I "forgive" only because I'm tired of his actions negatively affecting me.

I forgive to the extent that I am trying to accept that I cannot change the past, and wishing I could has kept me handcuffed.

I forgive because NOT forgiving only keeps me entwined in the dysfunction of this relationship. I actually think I may be forgiving myself more than I'm forgiving him........for loving and needing him so much that I stopped doing what was best for me and my children, and for playing right into this game I didn't realize I was even in that turned the best of me into the worst of me (some may understand that).......and not realizing my part in all of this until it nearly took my life. I forgive him because to continue to be hurt by his actions, his apathy, his lack of empathy, his narcissism is to continue to hurt myself. I've come to learn that "he" doesn't do it to me intentionally (well, sometimes he does, but the majority of the time he is just being who he now is........perhaps who he always has been deep down). I CHOSE to see the best in him. I still do at times, because that feels much better to me. I loved who I believed him to be.

"Forgiving" him does not, by any means, mean forgetting. It DOES mean not dwelling on it........it means getting on with a life that I hold hope for being once again beautiful and serene and joyous. It means being able to look at him, spend some time with him when I need to or the kids need to without becoming all emotionally entangled (still struggling with that, especially on days like today, our 10th anniversary). It means keeping myself in emotional "check" when I even start to think that there is any more here than what meets the eye. It means to quit reading a higher meaning into his blatantly dismissive actions (how long have I said to myself and others things like "he's really a good man, he doesn't really mean that, he's just in a lot of pain, he really does love me/the kids", blah, blah, blah............) It means stopping the natural instinct I have to assume that either me or the kids really do mean something to him, something that he's just not able to express but must surely feel. If we do (and I believe that we do to the degree that he is able to feel those feelings)........I've come to accept that really, it's not enough for me, nor is it good for me. I know for a fact that it is not good enough for my children..........both him while ruled by addiction and me while ruled by my addiction to him.

"Forgiving" is RELEASING the hope of changing the past, of changing him, of changing circumstances to coerce him into being who I think he is capable of or 'should' be..........releasing the hold I have given him on me..........and saying goodbye to the dark side of me that has surfaced in my relationship with him. I've now given a decade of my life, and to a large degree my children's lives, to him...........and he really wasn't even there emotionally the majority of the time.

I disagree with someone who recently said something to the effect that forgiveness only comes when one gets down on their knees, repeatedly, and prays for the other person's salvation........with all due respect, screw that! I'll get down on my knees and pray for me or for my children, for strength to overcome my flaws and for their happiness despite the mockery that has been made of the nuclear family that they were promised. I'll pray that the love that they were all given so abundantly early in their lives (by BOTH of us) was adequate for them to KNOW on a gut level what that love feels like and to find it for themselves. I'll pray that I will become the example of what strength and serenity looks like. As far as praying for his salvation, I've long since relinquished my misguided belief that it was my role to "save" him, to rescue him, to inspire him. I'll continue practicing the art of "getting out of the way" and trusting that there is a plan for him that he is 100% responsible for........and if he chooses to do some knee-bending praying for himself that is his choice, and his alone. I don't even profess to know that praying is the 'right' answer for him (or anyone else for that matter)........it's not my call to make.

A friend and I were discussing this today, and this analogy came up in conversation and it seems so appropriate. By no means am I calling my husband, the father of my children, the man I married a "dog" nor was he a "pet", but this analogy DOES seem to fit (and please don't bash me for this!) There is a difference between a stray dog and a feral dog. Strays were once family pets. Since they were socialized in the past, they are usually willing to accept handling fairly soon after being trapped. They may need to be trapped if they have been living on their own for a period of time, during which they may have learned to be wary of some people. After eating a few meals, and making some new human and dog friends, most strays will become pets again. For a long time, my "domesticated" husband was getting to be more like a stray........he would return and he could be loving. A feral may never be able to enjoy human touch and companionship. When people take ferals into their homes, the dogs often have good social skills with other dogs and are willing to be part of a dog group living in a home. Some are even willing to use a dog door to eliminate outside. But, they often hide if a human enters the room. Most ferals can be handled for necessary medical needs such as sedation for surgeries, blood draws for tests or sedation for grooming. feral dogs live wherever there is habitat and a food source. Most commonly, they live in parks, under abandoned buildings, in rural wooded areas, beneath freeways, etc. They live in hiding, and are often seen only at a distance. They generally move about during the times when humans are indoors – in the evening, night and early morning hours. The adult dogs are primarily silent, since drawing attention to themselves often brings danger. Many ferals are seen by the general public as either dangerous or diseased. How can a feral dog be helped? In general, feral dogs should remain in their original outdoor environment. You can help the dogs by setting up and maintaining feeding stations, and by providing shelter, such as dog houses, for them. You can also improve their lives by doing trap/neuter/return (TNR). TNR involves trapping the dogs; transporting them to a veterinarian to be vaccinated, treated for parasites, and spayed or neutered; and returning them to their home environment. Spay/neuter prevents the dogs from breeding, and it also reduces wandering and fighting. This is the most accurate description of how a loving husband seems to his family once meth addiction takes root. While I have a kind heart (I really do)........and I may feel for the dog and provide it some water and a meal.........you can be damned sure I'm not putting out my hand for fear of being bitten and it's a healthy fear/precaution. The dog wouldn't "mean" to, it would be instinctual. And God only knows where that dog has been. But he doesn't belong in our family, especially with lives and hearts at stake.

So, this is where my head is at, a year after learning that meth was part of our life, a year into our separation, and on our 10th wedding anniversary. Damn.

Posted: 06/27/2011 6:21 AM

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