Confessions

I saw my daughter with addiction last week. It has been so long since I have seen my daughter, the one I love and recognize.  The one who inhabits her body resembles little of the one I love.  So, I distance myself by referring to her in my mind as Formerly Known As... When I think of the Cate I love, the loss is stunning, a magnitude unimaginable heretofore.

Anyway, I did see her last week.  I had a party for my grandson.  My daughter S, his mother, invited her sister Cate. S lives out of town and has been out of town for several years. S has not witnessed much of the addiction nightmare.

Cate arrived on time, so far under the influence, that she was nodding off in the middle of the party. The unrecognizable stranger in our midst. I chose not to make her the focus of the party, and ignored her.

She is 26 and she looked 36, tired, haggard.  She was once a beautiful young woman.  Her addiction is wearing her out.

after Cate left, S commented that she saw nothing of her sister in the person named Cate, and how terribly sad that is.

a few days ago, Cate called from an ER...she had another bout of cellulitis (deep skin infection), again on her face. The last one a few months ago left a 1 inch by 1/4 inch scar/deep pockmark on her nose.  It is literally a chunk out of her face. This one was by her eye.She cried, said she had nothing, nobody, and was homeless.

The next day, she asked me to call a program (residential treatment for homeless women)for her.  I declined.  I said that was up to her, that she would make that call when she was ready.  She said no that I should call.  I replied that I no longer did that; I'd done it for ten years, and it was my effort, not hers.  It was time for her to make the effort and own her life.

I hope she makes that call.  If she does not, she is not long for this world.  She is very ill, Her body and her mind are failing.

All this, and still she uses.

Posted: 04/30/2014 7:30 PM

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