Confessions

My son is going to a bachelor party at a casino this weekend.  That can't be good. 

I'm going to have dinner and a movie with an old highschool friend, do my weekend shopping, and hit up a nar-anon meeting. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

 

Hello AaA friends, Just a quick update for everyone...(even though I know Marty keeps you all well informed. I am coming up on 2.5 years sober, just started my last semester as and undergraduate, and super busy. Sobriety has brought me the opportunity to gain admission to law school in Aug 2014 and I will be venturing up to Boston to go to school. Just wanted to share a story of hope for all those active ads and people who are struggling.... I went from alcoholic/addict to becoming and attorney. Lots of work, meetings, sponsee's, and the 12 steps saved my *** when I was deemed hopeless by drs, family, ect ect. Marty wanted to read my personal statement and I wanted to share it with all so it is posted below.... <3 lil Marty I was under the impression for a period of time that my life was a dichotomy; who I was, and who I want to be. However, the last few years of life I have realized that these two parts of my life are interwoven together, making me the woman I am and want be. As a twenty one year old female I have lived two completely different lives and have persevered in unconventional ways. I spent from the age of fifteen to the beginning of my sophomore year as an undergraduate consumed in personal struggle and hardship. The life that I lived until August 2011 brought me to places I would have never imagined going to emotionally and physically. I nearly had to lose everything, all material possessions, friends, and family before I realized that what I was doing could not get me where I wanted to be. A long road of trial and error led me to a turning point where I had to make a decision to change. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I finally surrendered and accepted the help that I had been disregarding previously. The misery I had faced did not bring me to jails, but to an emotional bottom that a vast amount of people do not experience. My life, two years later has brought me to the world beyond my wildest dreams. My experiences and perseverance has awarded me a diverse perspective that most people my age simply do not acquire. Through my affliction I was blessed with detrimental life lessons and knowledge. The lessoned I learned being homeless, losing countless friends and family from things out of my control has brought me to a spot of incredible motivation to be what I always dreamed, a law student. People always say “wow you seem so much older than you actually are” or “you seem so mature”, the truth is that the road that I took brought me to situations that most twenty- one year old women don't go through, and that most adult don’t see in a lifetime. The problems I had to overcome, the people I've met are not only beneficial to me but beneficial to everybody around me, it has blessed me with a unique perspective on the world and life in general. It’s hard to put into words what I've been through what I've seen and how this whole road brought me to applying to law school. How my recovery has pushed me to this academic goal is ironic however the people who have inspired me to become a law student are the people in my life with a similar or identical malady; people who will not be able to pursue law school because of their personal consequences. My individual story, my hope, and my problem-solving skills are impeccable. My knowledge about how life works, how it doesn't work, and all the different kinds of people in the world that brought me to a point where I help people in a way that not many people who face my same hardship can. Two and a half years of a complete life change is a huge accomplishment and I attribute most of my current success to my transformation. The things I'm doing and the things I've done in the last two years are things that I should have been doing the whole time, however I had to take the path that people do not usually travel to get where I am today; to be who I am today. Small steps toward a legal career like perusing my paralegal certificate, interning for a private law firm, and interning for a Prosecutor are things that seemed unattainable at that critical point in my life in 2011. I got to a point where living life seemed impossible, there was no way to turn things around or go back to who I was. Law school was a distant dream that was fading on a daily basis. Today I am constantly pushing myself to be better daughter, friend, and student to achieve the goals that I thought were slipping away because of my life choices. Today I am trustworthy, compassionate, and capable of overcoming extraordinary hardship; and these are all assets I acquired in my journey. How to be open-minded and how to move forward when life has you down and there seems to be no solution. My community service is not typical community service, I’m not repairing houses in Appalachia or volunteering at soup kitchens but I'm on a daily basis working with people who are in the same spot as I was years ago. I'm a testament to young people that no matter how bad it gets you can always turn your life around. It is possible to achieve your dreams and be a productive member of society, be a student in good standing, and pursue your academic goals. I know my stories not normal and it's not unique but it makes me who I am and that dynamic to see the least. Despite the constant thralls of adversity the only part of my life I held onto was my educational goals. At a point in my life where everything was falling apart, the only stable aspect of my life that was sustaining any hope was my pursuit of knowledge. The amount of support I've received from the fellowship I attend, my family, and Centenary has been outstanding. The changes that they have watched occur in my life and the help that was awarded has blessed me with the motivation to believe in myself to get through the hardest times then and now. In the past three months my father passed away from pancreatic cancer and one of my best friends from high school died a tragic death but I do not tell you this for pity. I firmly believe that maintaining my life change during these times of emotional distress and not letting it stop me from succeeding in school shows my dedication. It depicts the capability to withstand the emotional stress and work load of law school. My father taught me if I want something, if I’m dedicated and passionate about it, I can succeed. So that's what I do, this is what I want to pursue. We all have jobs to do, my job is to work as hard as I can to get into and succeed in law school. I want to prove to myself, to the doctors, to my family who all thought that at one time I was hopeless, that I can do all the things that I always wanted to do. I aspire to help rehabilitate individuals involved in the court system, or give somebody in the court room a different perspective on who they are; what can be done and what cannot be done to help people who are in the same situation as I was. My past strongly motivated the open- minded person writing to you today and all those things make me the hard worker that I am. Fear plays a major part in me writing my personal statement. I'm fearful that someone will read this and not know what it takes to give up a past life and start completely over. I honestly believe that I will end up where I'm supposed to be; if I am admitted here or somewhere else. I've come too far in the last twenty one years to give up now; I'm seen as accountable, willing, and able to overcome everything and anything that gets thrown my way, good or bad. I'm so much more than a GPA or an LSAT. Ralph Waldo Emerson said “The only person you're destined to become is the person you decide to be”, and I am going to be the person who beat the odds, who got into law school and was able to show everyone her true potential.

I have two choices for the situation I am in..change it or accept it...

Recently I looked back over my texts with AD Cate.  I saw a pattern: She was fishing.  First she lured me with some kind of plaint.  I'm desperate Mom.  I'm ready to change.  Then she hooked me.  Mom I need you to help me change by...getting me a phone, giving me a ride, etc. Then she'd reel me in...When can we get the phone mom?  Then, getting the phone (or ride, etc), there would be a change...can you loan me 20 bucks?  Can you take me to so and so's house?Somehow, I would be involved in her drug life.  Right where I did not want or need to be.

Once I saw the pattern, I ignored the the lure.  Guess what happened? She blasted me, blamed me for all her problems, for being a bad parent, for not understanding how she did not need treatment, she just needed me to do what she wanted, and how she couldn't go to any program because she wasn't like those other addicts, the professionals there hated her and also did not understand her,  and those programs had rules that she did not need to follow, etc. And she ended her blast with: no matter how bad you treat me, mom, I still love you.

Hurtful, so very hurtful.  And eye opening. Wow.

I am so mad right now..have to get this off my chest. Took AD to get an ID & a phone over the weekend. He called to say he has been clean for a week and put his "sponsor" on the phone to say he has been at meetings and really needs the ID & phone for services. Of course I went and got him these things, took him to lunch. For once, he wasn't drunk or high and seemed very positive. He angled for a hotel stay but I told him he must stay at shelter until sober housing is available. Then, all hell broke loose again today..he made another new account and is writing me his threats and vitriol again. Of all the horrible, nasty and hideous things he has written to me..this pissed me off the most. "Take care, don't let this happen to anyone else that is your job now." Of course..I "let" this happen to him...now he's assigning me the job of preventing this from happening to my 3 other ADULT kids? How? Support them til we die which is what this one always wanted. They are not late-stage alcoholics with heroin & cocaine addiction. Their chances of negotiating this world are a lot better. He also told me we "let" him become this because he didn't have that "winning" personality. Is he this clueless? The sponsor told me he is intellectually smart but emotionally stupid. Ok. But that is not a reason for any of this..lots of people (successful ones at that) fit that description. I just needed to vent...have to block his new account again. He's making my life hell with the phone I just bought him. Ironic. All the rage & threats raining down hard tonight. He says he can't go to shelter because of an "amnesty lockdown." What the h is that? He won't say but says he is freezing to death on the street. I only did what I did because the sponsor said I should. He was supposed to use the phone for employment and services. Now saying he was thrown out of the "only" program in Ann Arbor because the director"hates" him.

Friends, I have been AWOL. From here, from a lot of things and people. Here is why, as I try to put it all in perspective. My AD Cate left her last stint rehab two weeks before she was to be discharged. Yes of course she is back at her drug life. She went back right away. That was months ago. I went into a depression and tried not to think about her. Sounds silly but I spent a lot of energy trying not to think about her. However I am coming around. I have come to believe that the child I so lovingly raised is dead. Her body incredibly scarred by her drug life, is still alive inhabited by a stranger, a person bearing my child's name. Cate was not a perfect daughter, no one is. However I knew her, I loved all of her. This person who is there now is unrecognizeable. This person steals, she shoplifts, she is a stripper and a prostitute, she compulsively lies, and she uses people without conscience. She is a criminal who has been on trial for a felony. My Cate is gone. Too much innocence lost. Once I allowed myself to grieve the loss of my child, I began to free my self. I began to see that my obligation to her is done. I did my part. I was a good parent. She is 27 years old. I have no obligation to her. Yes this is incredibly sad, unbearable at time for I miss my daughter, and all she could have been. It is also liberating. I have nothing to do with her. I have no contracts no promises. I am trudging through. It's my reality.

Slowly, change is taking place--------a mantra in Nar-Anon, but it is true.  Change is taking place in me and through osmosis, my addict.  I've stopped trying to control and he has realized that I'm stronger. 

My son has kept a job for 4 months.  He continues to hang around people who don't use hard drugs.  He is trying to quit smoking (been smoking since age 14 - 10 years).  He's taking showers, walking his dog, and helping take care of my mother. 

He laughs, he's eating well. 

For today, we are all okay. 

Feeling grateful.