Confessions

 I happen to run across some old photos of my daughter. Notice I did not say AD. The pics were HER. She looked so beautiful. So happy. What I see now and talk to ( not very recent) I do not know at all. I feel guilty that I do not feel guilty for having enough of the AD behavoir. She could not make a decent decision for herself any longer no matter what was on the line. I see and recall in the photos a responsible young lady. Wawzoo how that has changed. I am so glad that before her drug use I did produce a kind, beautiful, caring, smart, driven person, who could make good choices and be responsible. Two very different people...very different times. Glad I have them to reflect on. I am able to see the seperate people now. I thank God I now can. I am greatful I had her the true her for 15 years. I am glad she is alive. I love her and always will. I love me too and i have let go of my AD and truely put her in the Lords hands, as I finally see I can not help her any longer. Found out she lost her phone prvledges in jail today because she was mouthy and all. What can a parent do? NOTHING. Claim our memories, ket go and let GOD work on them. Pray alot and never give up hope that the true them return. I have so much to make up for with the rest of my family. May God knit us together again. I am so done that I do not miss her because she is the behavior I hate so much...And I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I know you know what I mean. Such a crazy road and looong. I know it is going to get worse before it gets better...I am setting up an appointment with my doctor, get a heart check up (not feeling too well) buyin hair dye as I am going grey, wonder why LOL, and taking a walk tomorrow if wethaer permits. Thursday I am taking my lil girl to the park to play and maybe I will jpoin in and start making memories really happy ones with her, I gave my AD 22 years tirelessly, devoted, and lovingly...now I must move that energy to myself, my darling lil one, and my hubby. I bet I will not be so tired giving to myself and them as I was with AD because nothing was ever enough for her. I will chose to remember her dancing, singing, drawing, receiving awards etc, I will not dwell on the suck me dry addict anynore because looking past that, she was at one time wonderful. A good friend. A good person. A good girl. My daughter, was and will remain in my mind good. She is not an addict she is who she is, the addict to me is not her nor ever will be. The addict is a monster that took her over. A greedy demonic posession if you will, a creature that took HER away. But I have her in my heart always and that creature can never take that away from me or any other parent,ever..... Not EVER

 Today is my AD 22cnd Bday. She went to jail Tues night for violation house arrest. It is sickening when you are releived your kid is in jail and also sickening that at the same time you are sad. All reason says thank God she is alive, the heart screams we should be having cake right now. I NEVER have a minute to scream or cry because I am never alone with having a little one around. When she is at school it seems I always have junk to do. My hubby is so worn out as I am so he is not helpful in releiving me to get alone time. We are so tired from all this.I want to go into her room and cuddle in her bed but her room makes me sick. She has had multiple sexual partners up there and I can never do a normal flop across the bed and cry as it is filthy up there again. I have in the past 3 days had drug dealers at my door, when she did not answer they were brazen enough to go to my neighbors to use the phone to call her to make a deal. She had her dealer in my home. She snuck him in while we were sleeping, had an ex boyfriend the night before sneak in and had sex with hhim, it was so loud neighbors complained. To top it all off when we were leaving the night before last to see her probation officer, she had a stash of clean urine with her. To make it even worse when I came home after her arrest, I went to her bathroom to lock and close the door until it is cleaned well, and near the sink lie tinfoil with heroin residue....I guess a parting gift for me....not on a pity pot I am just tired of my reputation amoung neighbors being trashed, not that they think it is me but we have all been a close knit community and it is embarrissing. They are not judging me at all infact they are supportive but it is embarrissing anyway. It is hard to stand tall when your kid is going infront of a grand jury. It is sad that such a smart talented person has thrown her life away. It is sad how I feel so sick when I come home that I really want to sell this house and move. I feel bad for my little girl as nobody lets thier kids come to play with her here. I do not know if that will ever change. I am mad, sick, tired and fed up. My AD will NEVER come home to live in my home again. She will be lucky to visit us in our home. I have been so betrayed wether it is my kid or not I will no longer accept the behavior. It is her BDay and I can not even speak to her........I hope in time I can. I hope I can forgive her, find peace again, and live my own life......only time will heal these wounds!

 My Mom disappeared with the car (our only car) for a few days again. She finally came home today, and my Grandmother sent her back out to buy some hydrocodon for her, which I could wring her neck for. I told my Mom before she left that if she disappeared again for a long time I would call the cops, I looked her in the eyes and said I was dead serious. So she went out and about two hours went by and I called the person she was supposed to be with, and was told she had left a while ago. I said ok, if you talk to her tell her that she has twenty minutes before I call the cops. After about 10-15 minutes I hear back from same woman saying that my Mother was on her way home. About an hour went by and I realized that I had no choice but to follow through, so I called the cops. I reported her as a missing person, so they will keep an eye out. I'm incredibly nervous that if she is pulled over she will be holding or driving high or drunk. My imagination is going berserker. I haven't heard anything back yet, but at least I followed through, for best or worse. 

 There are no knocks at my door. No telephones ring. Not even one Christmas card or a New Year wish. Letting go of people from my past has left me with the most empty appointment ledger than I have ever seen. I am not hurting, blue or feel the need for the company I use to keep. Just amazed at the quiet. 

http://addictedtorecovery.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/philip-seymour-hoffman-addiction-overdose/#respond

Please read. It is beautiful and enlightening.

Russell Brand on his addiction

'I cannot accurately convey to you the efficiency of heroin in neutralising pain.

My son and all his buddies went to the casinos about an hour away for a weekend bachelor party.  They left Friday afternoon and every last one of them ran out of money by Saturday afternoon so they came back to town.  They had fun, they had some stories to tell, they got home safe.

In NA they say, "I can't, but we can".  The positive peer pressure to keep a job, have some money, stay out of trouble with the law, has been great to say the least.  These are some of the same people my son has hung around with since he started using, but some of them were just able to stop using when drugs started interfering with their lives.  Some have died.  Some are in jail.  And some are helping my son, one day at a time. 

I am grateful for the 12 steps of NA and NarAnon.