This is the place to get it all out! Tell us what's on your mind. What's the worst thing you've done for your addiction? What's the worst thing that's happened to you because of your addiction? How have you been affected because of someone else's addiction? How has your life as an addict affected the ones you love? Reading and writing these confessions help us realize the impact that the addictions have over all of us. When posting your confession, you can choose to remain anonymous or let others see your profile name as to bring about discussions.
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Another crisis
Last week my son had a three-hour commute home to exile in suburbia on account of a suicide on the tracks of his train line. He went into a mega rage over our failure to buy him a car as well as other things. Today,a Sunday four days later, he was still in a rage having taken a day off work on Friday. I presume he spent his free time getting high. In any event, by today he was apparently out of dope, so he actually had the nerve to ask if we could lend him our car so he could drive 90 miles to replace a damaged cable on his cell phone. Well, he acknowledged, to also buy some pot or whatever his drug of choice is. He was in a frenzy over this, but I convinced my husband NOT to lend him the car or even to give him a ride to a convenient mass transit station. I characterized this as "holding his coat while he destroys himself." Well, the ensuing hysteria should have made it clear to anyone that he has serious addiction problems or the equivalent of addiction in the pot context. Who cares if you are physically dependent or not if you act like you are? So I was having serious problems leashing my mega-co-dependent husband. He has been in training to look the other way at these kinds of problems since he was in diapers, as was I, so I empathize with my husband's peace-at-any price attitude. But we stayed the course although my husband did go with him to buy a cable for his telephone at our expense. In any event, our addict son's response was to smash up our house that he lives in AGAIN. It was only last Tuesday that we paid to have the walls re-textured to prepare for painting. I am SO DONE now. What I want to do is wait until his payday on the 20th, then while he is at work, go to the house, pack his clothing and change the locks on his house. We would then meet him at the transit place, hand him the clothes and tell him to go back to the area where he works and rent a room in a hotel for the night, then get looking for a place to stay permanently. Because he is NOT coming back to our town to stay in our house for even a night. Then I want to contact a realtor who will send in a clean up crew to prepare the house for sale. The housing market has already peaked (my hunch), but we may be able to get out of this ownership problem without losing our shirts. Once the house is sold, there will be no question of his ever living in it again. My husband will probably oppose this but can anyone think of an alternative? Our son has been using the threat of damaging the house (or killing our daughter, but now she has a restraining order) to control and bully us.
Posted: 03/16/2014 1:00 PM
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It is all around me
Last week I went to see my Ad in jail. Sje was so mean I walked out on her. I lessened the phone calls. I sleep well at night because she is safe, then I feel guilty because I slept well. I can hardly write her as I do not know what to say. Nothing in her thinking has changes at all even after being in jail for over a month. She is meaner and angrier than ever. I went to get gas tonight. A little alone time...yea right. I see her ex BF dealer and he runs up tp me to hig me. I threatened him, got her phone and he comes up and hugs me, he was also with the girl who got my AD heroin the night (Christmas eve) when she overdosed at my house. The sight of her flashed me back to that night. She bothered me more than my AD dealer. I told hom to stay away from my AD, again. I can not get away from this living hell that I am living. I want to run sometimes. The more I try to detatch the mmore it haunts me it seems. I do not want to fight anymore. I am tired of fighting when my AD will not even admit she has a prob. She is still telling everyone she is pregnant, although she is not. Have a girl up the road who is preg and addicted to heroin and baby has things wrong with it...seen on ultrasound. I am sooo very tired of the horror this addiction thing inflicts on soooo many people. I just want to not know. Go back to my land of being stupid, inwise, uneducated, untainted, inaffected. i want my family and life back, I want my daughter back. I want what was my normal....I want to breath again....I WANT A DAY WITHOUT SHEDDING A TEAR I an afraid I will always want this.....I am afraid so very afraid that she will never become her again. Over a month with no drugs and she is still acting like an animal, rage and hate....I do not understand.... Posted: 03/14/2014 11:46 PM
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New chapter title
In which Cathy gets a letter from jail and learns that Cate's mug shot was on TV.
Let's just say she did not look like Lindsey Lohan.
Yes. She's in jail. Possession. In a neighboring state. And her mugshot was plastered on the TV stations in that area.
Her problem not mine.
Still I am glad it was not on the local TV stations in my Area.
I was relieved ( that she was in jail and not dead). Then happy ( she finally got caught, arrested, and convicted. And has consequences)
Then depressed. ( oh my she's in jail. She failed. I failed )
And now, ambivalent. Whatever. She got herself there.
I am trying to stay away from the ...and maybe...hope.
Posted: 03/08/2014 10:43 PM
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Whoo Hoo! Boo Hoo!
I'm clean and sober but I'm still bipolar! Yay me! I guess!?!? :) Posted: 03/04/2014 8:32 PM
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A thank you to everyone.
I asked everyone for help because I was feeling so weakened by an on-going crisis with my son's rage. I was feeling weak, forgot everything I ever knew, panicky, despairing. I felt even weaker and weaker in the face of my son's addiction, caught up in the fantasy that I could will him out of it, buy him out of it. God, if there were still arrranged marriages, I would have bought a wife for him. I actually toyed with the idea of trying to locate a woman from a country where there ARE arranged marriages still. It was a brief moment, but the moment may have been my first clue about how deranged I was becoming. I'm still very sad, but I'm getting better. Intrusive crying diminishing. I didn't actually DO or SAY anything to my son, and my husband and I got back on track more or less. I hate taking things ONE DAY AT A TIME. I only think that way when I have to. Posted: 03/03/2014 6:01 AM
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What the beginning of recovery looks like
Now that my son has 40+ Days clean & sober, I wanted to share what this looks like at the beginning. We tried many times before to pull him from the streets and have him try to recover at home. Each time was a monumental failure. Why? The deal was the exact same as this time. The last attempt was during the Polar Vortex, beginning of January this year. He lasted exactly Half an hour here and the scene was horrid. He came to our home as an active addict and he reeked of booze. His behavior was neurotic, his speech slurred, his attitude was so haughty. That was six weeks ago. Now, he did 3 weeks in jail and he came to our home clean and sober. He was offered the same deal, with same rules and conditions and he has embraced them. He has demonstrated he is sick and tired of being sick and tired with his ACTIONS not just empty words and promises. He is not asking for anything...no more "bus fare" or "fees" or "coffee money." His outlook and expectations are 180 degrees from before. He seeks others in recovery..asks for rides to his meetings..no more "AA is crap and I don't need it." He has been a godsend in helping us as my husband recovers from his stroke and my mother is at the end of her life and very ill. His entire demeanor and presence is so different. He is grateful for all the little things now. My husband seeks his company now and can't wait to sit and watch hockey with him in the evenings. He is finally admitting his vulnerabilities "If I have one drink I will have thirty" and he is finally actively seeking help and support with his health and recovery and staying far away from trigger places and people. The thing that stands out most is WE have not changed...HE did. We have always offered him these same chances but standing firm about not dealing with him until he was clean and sober for a time and until his actions spoke in place of his words...So far this is holding and we have a plan in place for if there is ANY backsliding..one that will be implemented immediately..the plan is not to use it...
Posted: 02/27/2014 10:43 AM
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Happy Birthday
26 years ago today I gave birth to a precious baby boy. He was my pride and joy. It is so difficult to picture him celebrating in prision but atleast I know where he is. I cannot call him or take him out to dinner. I feel so very alone. If he had seccumbed to his addiction I'm sure someone would have called me today to say that they were thinking of us. Posted: 02/25/2014 1:08 PM
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This is awesome!
Posted: 02/24/2014 5:18 PM
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link
Posted: 02/23/2014 5:13 PM
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Good Report
I finally have a good report to give. Our son was in jail for three weeks on DUI and violating reporting for personal recognizance release bond. We didn't bail him out, hire him a lawyer or visit. We did put some money in his commissary account but not in phone account. He called a couple of times and updated us but no conversation about the conditions there. He ended up representing himself (he used to be pre-law) and got a favorable disposition of his case (knocked down to reckless driving and after 3 reports will be expunged). Jail seemed to do him a lot of good. He came to us clean & sober, calm, organized and determined. He felt a sense of real success in that he got through this on his own. He represented himself well and he doesn't want to go back. He has now been clean and sober for 35 days. He is staying with us and he is the son we haven't seen in years (maybe never). At 27, with a clear mind, this is the adult we always knew he could be. He is helping us around the house, he makes all the meals (he loves to cook), he is not asking for anything except not to be on the streets. He is taking hand me downs to wear. He is great company. He is smiling and laughing again (there is that wonderful sense of humor). He is keeping regular hours. He is working out at a gym everyday..I go with him 4 times a week. He is attending two meetings a week and has a sponsor. He is looking for employment and complying with court requirements for reporting and counseling. He is making amends to those he has hurt. He has no interest in being around people "in the life" that are frantically trying to get him to make contact. We know it is early but it is something. My blood pressure dropped 20 points. We have an understanding between us that if he relapses..he will go right to rehab and carry on from there but he feels strong right now. He has been to the bottom and he doesn't like the view..we are hopeful ...this is the best we've had it in 6 years. I know he is sincere. I know it will be a struggle. I hope he has the strength and wisdom to keep this going. We are taking away the uncertainty of where he will lay his head..let's see what he can do with all this. He has a deep hole to dig out of..one day at a time...thanks to this board I found the strength to let go and let God...to change the dynamic...it was the right thing to do..
Posted: 02/21/2014 9:46 PM
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SITE SUPTR
SITE SUPTR